


Zero

by TheBordelineNonAlcoholicWriter



Category: Ouran High School Host Club - All Media Types
Genre: Abuse, Attempted Rape/Non-Con, Everyone Needs A Hug, Explicit Sexual Content, F/M, LGBTQ Character, M/M, Murder, Self-Mutilation, Slow Burn, Supernatural - Freeform, Superpowers, Violence, idontknowhowtotag, zero-verse
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2020-11-02
Updated: 2020-12-21
Packaged: 2021-03-09 07:07:59
Rating: Mature
Warnings: Graphic Depictions Of Violence
Chapters: 6
Words: 80,624
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/27347125
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/TheBordelineNonAlcoholicWriter/pseuds/TheBordelineNonAlcoholicWriter
Summary: In a cruel world where people with powers have come up from nowhere, people are just trying to do what they think they have to do.(I have no idea how to summarize this).
Relationships: Hitachiin Hikaru/Original Female Character(s), Hitachiin Kaoru/Ootori Kyouya
Kudos: 2





	1. J.B

**Author's Note:**

> A/N: This story is inspired by a dream I had but it's probably also subconsciously inspired by the Darker than Black Anime (even if I disliked the ending). One scene in this chapter is almost word for word taken from my dream but I'm not going to spoil my own fic here.
> 
> TRIGGER WARNING: This story contains self-mutilation, suicide, themes of abuse and such. I don't think it's as bad as my previous work but I still think it's worth bringing up. Also, I wrote smut. I wouldn't be surprised if you all will think I'm a girl.
> 
> OBLIGATORY MENTION: English is not my first language and I have a difficult time keeping British English and American English apart. So I apologize in advance. I also don't really like romance most of the time and I'm apparently crazy enough to write it anyway. I also didn't read through this as many times as I probably should have.
> 
> Will be trying to post on Mondays. The fic is finished by the time I'm posting this so keeping up with that schedule shouldn't be too difficult.

This routine of theirs was definitely so embedded into their heads that it could technically count as something instinctual, a second nature if you will. Fifteen to twenty young men, no,  _ boys _ , were seated around a large oval-shaped table. They were clothed in white pants held up by grey belts, long grey boots, and white oversized t-shirts neatly tucked into the pants. The clothes had the same color scheme as the room (and pretty much the same as the whole building). Only one boy had a slight division in his clothing today, Kaoru, who wore shorts of course. Not something he would have preferred considers how cold the room was today.

Every boy had a glass with a white, almost translucent, liquid in it. Kaoru noted that his drink looked slightly whiter than the other's, but that wasn't really important. The only person in the room without a glass was the older gentleman who sat in front of Kaoru and his twin brother. The man didn't have the same job as the others. The man was above them, their superior. He was only there to make sure that everyone drank their drinks and that everyone understood what they were supposed to do after that. Quite a useless man when you think about it. People in his position always talk about how soldiers are expendable, which is true to a certain extent, but not  _ everyone  _ has the physical or mental capacity to be a soldier. However, almost everyone could give orders as long as you have a brain, but men like him liked to forget about that.

The man, Grim Hendersen, let his eyes wander around to look at everyone around the table. His eyes stopped briefly on Jiro, a nervous-looking boy who had his eyes fixated on his drink like he thought it was going to kill him. This kind of nervosity didn't come from a man who hadn't done this before. On the contrary, Jiro had been doing this for many years. It didn't get easier for everyone with time, for many it got worse. So much worse. Kaoru's brother, Hikaru, once asked Kaoru how long he thought it would take for Jiro to break. Hikaru immediately regretted the question of course; realizing the effect it had on Kaoru, but it was too late for damage control.

"Does anyone need me to go over something again?" Hendersen asked. "Remember boys: no shame in asking again, but a lot of shame if you fuck up because you didn't ask".

No one said a word. Kaoru really hoped that it was because everyone was up to date and not because no one was too afraid to admit that they didn't understand their mission. Some of the boys hadn't done this for that long and might not have realized how severe messing up was there.

Hendersen smiled. "Then I can gladly say that any fuck up is your own fault and you will personally experience the consequences of making them". Silence, again. "Good. Drink up boys. Make sure to get every last drop and then hurry back to your rooms". He had eye contact with Kaoru for a brief second and Kaoru didn't know wherever to give him a sheepish smile or an apologetic one.

He didn't have time to decide before Hendersen looked back at the other boys: "Do well boys".

Kaoru wasn't really known for being quick when he was supposed to hurry to his and Hikaru's room.

Everyone grabbed their glasses and drank until there was nothing left. Some of them tried way too hard to get as much of the liquid as possible. It really wasn't that important to get it all. Their superiors probably just didn't want them to waste the serum. Hikaru snickered at the grossed out expression on Kaoru's face because of the taste and earned a knee in the moneymaker when he had put down his own glass.

"Don't fool around!" Hendersen almost roared at the twins and both of them answered:

"I'm sorry sir!" at the same time, albeit Hikaru's voice was a little more high pitched than usual.

Hendersen mumbled: "Those stupid twins" under his breath before dismissing the group.

Kaoru was too nauseous to be able to walk without assistance from his brother. They stopped outside of the meeting room so Kaoru could lean against the wall for a bit and rest his worried stomach.

Hikaru now looked a bit worried. "They didn't poison you, did they?" He asked in a half joking, half serious way.

"That would be counterproductive", Kaoru answered and clenched the fabric of his shirt on his stomach. "They just accidentally messed up the flavor for me again. I have to talk to them about that after the mission".

"After the mission? Won't this kind of  _ ruin  _ the mission? Because you're supposed to be as alert and sane as possible ?" Hikaru asked.

Kaoru shook his head. "This is already going away, I will be fine for the mission. This isn't a big deal Hikaru, stop acting like it is". Hikaru just looked at him without saying anything. "You don't need to wait for me. Go back to our room and I'll be there in a bit. Only  _ my  _ excuse will be valid if both of us don't make it in time. You would get in trouble".

Hikaru looked like he wanted to argue, but a stern look from Kaoru made him give that up before even opening his mouth.

"Are you sure that it's okay for me to leave?" Hikaru finally asked.

"Yes! Just go, I'll be fine", Kaoru exclaimed and Hikaru cooed at how adorable his brother was for trying to be bossy before finally leaving.

Kaoru closed his eyes and took several deep breaths while massaging his stomach. He didn't know why he reacted so strongly to certain tastes. He knew that most people could get nauseous from the food they didn't like, but so far he was the only one he knew who was like this.

When his stomach had settled down enough; he decided to finally, but slowly, walk to his and Hikaru's shared room. However, he realized that he should probably have gone sooner when his vision turned blurry for a few seconds before going clear again.

_ "Fuck, not again", _ he thought. He had to hurry up before the amount of time between his vision being blurry and going back to normal reduced.

He had once heard one doctor compared this to contractions, but Kaoru sure wasn't about to pop out a baby.

He tried to move faster, but his whole body felt way too heavy. Passing out on the floor again didn't sound that appealing, but his body wasn't working with him.

When he finally saw the door; his body couldn't keep up anymore and his eyes couldn't even stay open (or maybe they were open, but his vision disappeared). He collapsed into a pathetic heap on the floor. The last thing he felt was the pain in his head from it hitting the metallic floor before he lost consciousness.

**...**

He woke up in an old wooden bed in a rather small and unfamiliar room. It was very cold, which wasn't surprising considering how bare his legs were. Apparently, they didn't dress their subjects well enough here, maybe because someone was a pervert.

He noticed a full body mirror in the corner of his eye. It was pretty much the only piece of furniture in the room apart from an old dresser and the bed. So appearance was of importance, even above comfort.

Kaoru stood up; feeling like his limbs had grown longer. So this person was taller than him? He walked over to the mirror but couldn't see his face in it because of a giant smudge covering the top half of the mirror. He wasn't sure if that was actually dirt or if it was his own brain compensating for how little this person looked at themself... or herself. He was definitely in the body of a woman. Her skin was light, caucasian maybe. Her body was skinny, yet curvy. A lot of boys would definitely find her rather attractive. Kaoru couldn't see her hair so it was either non-existent or in a hairstyle that was too short for him to able to see in the mirror. She also had very inappropriate clothing for the temperature in the room; some sort of long sleeved leotard in a thick fabric. She had knee-high winter boots and gloves but this outfit was definitely for another purpose than being warm. Despite not being able to see her head, he could feel a helmet that was so tight that he got a headache from the pressure. Was it supposed to be this tight or didn't they have big enough helmets for her fat head? Maybe that was a little mean. Kaoru also noticed a sharper pain in his temples every time he moved his head in a certain way. Not the same kind of pain you got from pressure unless the pressure was very bad.

He was just about to lower himself to see if he could get to see how the girl looked when the door opened. An older man, dressed in clothing more appropriate for the weather, gave Kaoru a stern look.

"It's time to get to work, get up from your bed", he said. He took a few steps back and turned around. Kaoru knew that the only reason the man thought that he was still in bed was because the girl he now was laid in bed when this memory took place.

When you inhabit people's memories, you can move around in a way that the person in the memory originally didn't as long as the person had enough memories of the surroundings for you to do so. However, you had to be careful and actually do exactly as the person did in order to actually get the info of what they actually experienced. For example, if this girl will know some important intel, you will miss it if you don't go where she was when it happened. Luckily you can feel where she is supposed to go from her bodily memory. However, Kaoru's and the other boys' mission was to actually look around as much as possible. Finding out the name of the person you were in the memory was a good thing too, but not a necessity in this case. Kaoru knew that it was expected of him to find out though, so he was going to try to do that.

Kaoru left the mirror and walked out of his room. The man started to move and Kaoru followed.

"You are going to work with the tubes today, blonde", the man said. "Yes, we did say that you were too clumsy to work there, but we need someone to take over while Kaitlyn is battling her disease".

Kaoru couldn't  _ imagine  _ how anyone, let alone a girl dressed in a leotard, could get sick here. The man continued to talk:

"Yes we do have others, much better and suitable subjects than you, who can replace her but we decided to give you another chance". Kaoru didn't have to answer him, the man would still just talk like he did in the girl's memory regardless. "And if you show yourself worthless again, we have to really demote you".

" _ Pretty much kill her or worse" _ , Kaoru thought.

They stopped in front of two large doors. "And it could be a shame to get rid of this", the man said and slapped Kaoru's rear. Kaoru felt his cheeks burn with anger and he wanted to tell the man off, but that would be pretty useless. The man opened the door with a key card and smirked at Kaoru before leaving.

"If I ever meet him I have to tell him that he technically molested a  _ man _ ", Kaoru said while rubbing his rear. "The man had fucking gorilla arms, holy shit".

He let his hands dangle at his sides and straightened his posture before walking further into the huge room. It looked like a mix between a lab and a factory. At least twenty scientists were doing their research at several desks against one of the walls at one end of the room, and a big machine that looked like it could belong in a fudge packing factory was at the other end of the room. Consider how blurry everything looked in the science end compared to the factory part, it wasn't hard to tell even without the bodily memory where to go. It kind of bummed him out because what the scientists were doing looked like way more useful information. Hopefully, he could still find something interesting with the tubes.

He walked over to the factory part of the room and saw seven people there, including another person with the same warm uniform as the man who brought him there. Among the ones who looked to be in the same position as him, he determined it to be four other girls and two boys. The boys' clothing wasn't that different from the girls'; their leotards just went down a little further (about mid thigh length). Maybe the person in charge just really had a fetish for legs no matter who they belonged to? Interesting, but probably not relevant information.

The man in the uniform walked over to Kaoru with an expression that made Kaoru fear that he was going to be sexually assaulted again.

"So you're here again, little girl?" It sounded like he had been smoking for quite a while. "You're gonna be a good girl and not drop tubes this time?"

" _ I might drop them on your head" _ , Kaoru thought. Why did he have to be a girl if there were already boys here? Why does the universe want to make things harder for him all the time?

The man wrapped an arm around his waist, with his hand resting dangerously low on Kaoru's hip.

"That's a good girl. You just have to put those tubes in the freezer over there".

" _ Yeah, no. I'm going to check out the tubes more thoroughly and not do that shit" _ , Kaoru thought.

The pervert squeezed Kaoru before leaving him to his own devices. Kaoru knew that he wasn't inhabiting someone important on this mission this time and it didn't sit well with him. Yes, some of the boys had to have less useful positions from time to time. Partly because you couldn't really choose a specific person when you hijack memories. You could only send a bunch of "memory jumpers" to a specific location. That's just how it worked. sometimes missions had to be re-done because no one got anything useful. It usually worked better that way because then you could remove all the people who had already had their memories probed (no, Kaoru didn't understand how that worked). However, it wasn't exactly fun to do this so Kaoru would rather not do it again if he absolutely didn't have to.

Kaoru walked over to the machine and saw a bunch of crates on a treadmill. Several tubes were lined up in the crates, labeled with names (probably DNA then). All names were blurry to some extent because the girl's lack of interest hadn't printed them very well in her memory. He could still read the labels closer to him while the ones further away were pretty much unreadable. It didn't help his headache in the least.

He quickly discovered one name that wasn't blurry at all, a girl's name; Joseline Broadly, probably the girl's name. Kaoru focused on it for a few seconds to make sure that it would be remembered before looking at the other tubes. He assumed wrong when he at first thought that only the tubes close to him were readable. Yes, that was correct on a general level, but a few names here and there were far more readable than others; Lee May, Victor Stevens, Hanna Young and Akem Black. He focuses on them too before deciding to have a look around. That plan was immediately interrupted as soon as he turned to his right. A massive blurry cloud that looked like it was filled with electricity stood in front of him; something that really wasn't supposed to be happening. It tried to talk to him, but its voice was too muffled for him to be able to tell what it was saying. The voice sounded awful like it was from a malfunctioning robot that needed to change batteries.

He was stricken with a headache way worse than the one he already had. It felt like someone was cracking his skull from the inside and the pain made him almost want to vomit. Was this really supposed to be happening? No something was definitely wrong.

He turned around, but it did nothing except make him not look at the cloud anymore. It became worse when his vision started to go from clear to blurry with barely any seconds in between. He wasn't supposed to leave yet, his body was definitely  _ forcing _ him to go back.

"Come on! Not now, I've got things to do still! I can do this!" He yelled at no one. He tried to fight it, but it didn't take long for his vision to go black. The last thing he heard before losing consciousness was that someone was definitely yelling at the girl for dropping tubes again. She would probably not be alive for long if the threat wasn't just a scare tactic.

**...**

He woke up on the floor, back in his own body. His head was definitely in someone's lap and the person he was lying on had a heated conversation with another man who was leaning over him. He couldn't really tell who the people were, but he could tell that none of them was Hikaru because he would still be on the mission.

"He is awake!" Kaoru's human pillow exclaimed. The voice was familiar, but that didn't say much considering how many people he vaguely knew there.

"Good because that means that he is well, I guess", said the other man. "But it's very bad because it means that his fucking mission is incomplete!"

"Not necessarily! Look what he did when we were arguing!"

"Not arguing, discu-". The other man leaned down and put his fingers on Kaoru's leg. Kaoru hissed at the pain and the man retrieved his now bloody hand with a quiet apology.

Kaoru looked down at the place on his leg where the man had touched and he saw the letters "JB" carved into his skin among other, smaller, initials. He was still clutching his ring with the hidden blade in his hand. His vision was very blurry and he had a horrible headache, but he smiled. He hadn't completely failed at his mission, he could still go and report.

"G...Grimes", Kaoru mumbled. "G... Grimes... Grimes".

The men stopped talking. Kaoru hadn't even noticed that they started to argue again.

"Are you sure about that?" His human pillow didn't sound too pleased with that. "You're not in a very good shape, Kaoru". This person knew which twin was which, but again, that didn't tell Kaoru anything considering that everyone could tell at that moment that he was Kaoru.

"You heard the boy", The other man said; sounding pleased. "You can check that head of yours afterward". Kaoru felt hands under his arms and his upper body was lifted from the floor. "The longer we wait, the more likely is he to forget what the hell those letters on his thigh means. We, him and the ones who found him, will get crap for that. You know that".

The person on the floor sighed before standing up and grabbing Kaoru's legs to help to carry him.

"Let's go then", the person said; sounding defeated.

They carried Kaoru all the way to Grimes' office while trying to keep Kaoru awake. Grimes wasn't the highest ranked boss, but he was boss for everyone else at the base. He was Hendersen's superior as well as Kaoru's and he was the man who you had to take the information from the mission to. Apparently, he liked to make sure that he got all the information personally (thanks to prior incompetence).

One of the people carrying Kaoru knocked on the door and opened it when Grimes said that they could enter.

"What happened to him?" Grimes asked; more curious than worried since Kaoru had looked a lot worse.

"He passed out before entering his room, we assume", one of the people carrying him answered.

Kaoru couldn't bother to try to separate the two because he felt like shit.

"That happens, but he usually doesn't bleed. Maybe we should baby proof the hallway so the little one doesn't hurt his little head", said Grimes with a smirk.

That was a jab at both his height and his injury. He

* * *

was a small man for his age and he was unfortunately not growing anymore. Grimes wasn't a psychopath, he wouldn't make fun of Kaoru if he knew the younger male was in genuine danger.

"The... the d-drink", Kaoru said; determined to not take the blame that wasn't his.

"Did they mess with that again? I work with idiots who don't know how to mix two liquids properly. Soon you don't have to take that drink anymore luckily. You two! Put Kaoru on the couch and go and get people from the hospital area", Grimes said and Kaoru was put down carefully on the couch before he and Grimes were the only ones in the room.

Grimes stood up from behind his desk and walked over to Kaoru. Kaoru whined when he was put in a sitting position, but the whine died out when a glass of water was put in his face and he was forced to drink. He drank eagerly but he did almost choke a couple of times.

"So", Grimes said and put down the glass on the table. "What do the letters on your leg mean? Did you get names?"

"Y... yes. Joseline Broadly... Lee May... Vi-victor S-stevens, Hanna Young and Akem Black", Kaoru answered and swallowed a couple of times to try to get rid of the gagging. It really felt like he was going to throw up, how fucking hard did he hit his head?

Kaoru could hear that Grimes was writing down something (his vision wasn't back yet).

"I assume you were the first one?" Grimes asked and Kaoru nodded. "Good. Can you promise me that you come to me if you have more to tell me later because I'm not sure that I can get much more from you right now?".

Kaoru forced himself to nod.

"Very well", Grimes said. "You're lucky that the med bay is here". After he said that; there was a knock on the door. "Come in and get him before he passes out again! We don't need brain damage on this one!"

" _ I feel so important that I'm referred to as 'this one'" _ , Kaoru thought bitterly.

Hands, more gentle than Grimes', lifted him up from the couch and carried him out of the room. He was put on a stretcher and wheeled towards the hospital area... he assumed.

* * *

With only the echo of the headache left with two painkillers and a glass of water in his hands, Kaoru walked towards his room. He wasn't very happy because of how short and unsuccessful his mission was, but at least he wouldn't get the blame for it. He wasn't sure how fair that was considering that the drink being disgusting shouldn't ruin his mission because of the fact that he was literally out of his own body. However, Kaoru couldn't recall doing something wrong.

Kaoru walked towards the doors to his and Hikaru's room and they opened when he was close enough. He entered and saw his brother unconscious on his bed; he was still on his mission.

There wasn't much in their tiny room, just two beds on the opposite walls of each, two nightstands, a mirror, a door to a small bathroom that didn't have a bathtub, two chairs with a little table and a small desk. Kaoru looked at the notepad and pen on Hikaru's nightstand with jealousy as he lightly massaged the still sore part of his thigh. Some people in life were definitely handed better cards.

Kaoru put the pills in his mouth and swallowed them with half of the content of his glass before putting it down on his nightstand. Normally those kinds of meds would make you drowsy, but Kaoru had discovered a long time ago that he was rather resilient towards any medication that made him tired or sleepy. Hikaru was the same and it had its pros and cons for both of them.

Kaoru sat down on his bed and his thoughts immediately drifted towards a certain part of his mission that he had forgotten until now, that blurry thing that sent him right back to his body again. What was that? It couldn't have been a part of the girl's actual memory... maybe it was lack thereof instead? Like the girl couldn't actually recall who she talked to at that moment so his brain was trying to compensate like it might have done in the mirror? No, that didn't make sense. Kaoru had been through annoying "memory compensations" before and they never sent him back, they were just... you know,  _ there _ . It usually wasn't important information or traumatic events because those were usually too important for the person, whose memories they infiltrate, to forget. If he hadn't been so out of it before he could have asked his superior about it and he wouldn't have been sitting there with all these thoughts in his head. He would have to ask about it later and try to not dwell on it too much now.

Hikaru groaned and Kaoru turned his attention to him. The other boy sat up, looking exhausted, and started to write things down on his notepad. Kaoru noted how much Hikaru wrote down and it made him feel jealous again. This time because of his own failures and unimportant mission.

Hikaru put down the pen and turned to Kaoru with a tired smile.

"I see you got back before me. That doesn't happen often", Hikaru commented and Kaoru debated whether to tell him that he passed out in the hallway again or to stay silent. "I guess I win this time, little brother". Hikaru looked way too smug for Kaoru's liking.

They had this game. A game of who had the longest mission. It was stupid and didn't use any skills or anything but chance really…. or Kaoru  _ was _ more prone to long missions, so it wasn't  _ really  _ just by chance. Somehow Hikaru still wanted to play that game. Kaoru assumed that it was because Hikaru needed it for “sanity” reasons. Like he needed the game they had played since they were children to find a reason behind even the most pointless missions. It was quite harmless though so Kaoru didn't complain.

"I guess you won this time", Kaoru said, smiling back.

He decided to tell Hikaru that he hadn't reached their room on time, even if he didn't want Hikaru to feel like shit for leaving him behind. Mostly because Hikaru would find out anyway, either because their superiors would tell him or the word about it would finally reach him… or because he ought to see the bandage around his head anytime now.

Kaoru pointed at his head and said: "You did have an unfair advantage though".

Hikaru's smile disappeared. He stood up and walked over to Kaoru with a concerned look on his face. "You hurt yourself this time", He said quietly. He placed his hands on Kaoru's cheeks and maneuvered his head to take a closer look at him. The worry in his eyes really affected Kaoru, it always did.

"It's not that bad", Kaoru assured and winched when Hikaru accidentally touched his head wound. Hikaru quietly apologized and removed his hands. "I will be alright, just sore for a few days".

"I should have waited for you".

"You would have gotten in trouble. I am not getting shit for this either way, but you have to look out for yourself as well".

"You still got hurt".

"You and I both know that keeping me from getting hurt is futile", Kaoru said and the twins stared at each other silently for a few seconds.

Hikaru's eyes traveled down Kaoru's body until they landed on what he was looking for.

"I see there won't be any space left on your right thigh soon", he commented. He tried to not make it sound like he was worried. "I have started to wonder, Kaoru. What happens when there is no space left on your body?"

"Then I'll continue on my face", Kaoru answered as nonchalantly as he could and Hikaru didn't look too happy about that answer.

"And are you okay with that?" " _ Because I'm certainly not _ " was left unsaid.

Kaoru sighed and looked down at the ground. "It's not like I actually have a choice in the matter, do I?" He responded with a hint of annoyance in his voice.

He really didn't want to think about this until he really couldn't ignore it anymore.

Hikaru hesitated before asking his next question: "And what happens when you don't have any space on your face left?"

"We will get an answer to that when the time comes, won't we?" Kaoru said, a little more harsh than he had intended.

He hated having this conversation, he hated having to think about the future. Hikaru wouldn't understand, he wasn't in the same position and he wouldn't be any time soon.

The door to the twins' room opened and a man stepped in. Kaoru hadn't bothered to learn his name and he knew that Hikaru hadn't either.

"I'm here for your data", the tall man said with the same monotone voice as he always had. "Only from Hikaru this time?" He added and the shame in Kaoru's face told the man that the other twin was Hikaru so he turned to him.

Hikaru walked to the nightstand and picked up the notepad and gave it to the man.

"Here it is. But you know that Kaoru would have been just as useful as usual if he got the chance", Hikaru said sternly.

The man took the notepad and looked at Kaoru with a softer look.

"I know", he said quietly before leaving the room.

Hikaru looked at Kaoru with a raised eyebrow. "What was that about?"

"Relax brother", Kaoru said with a teasing smile. "I'm not close to him in any way. He might just feel sympathy or pity for me".

"I don't know", Hikaru said skeptically. "I don't like how he eyed you".

"You're overreacting".

"I recognize that look. So many people have eyed you like that before and it turned out that they wanted something  _ special  _ from you".

"They eye you the same way too", Kaoru said and pinched Hikaru's cheek. "We look the same, you and I. They just stop looking at you as soon as you open your mouth".

Kaoru walked over to his bed while Hikaru was rubbing his cheek and looking at Kaoru with a pout. Hikaru murmured something about that people would leave Kaoru alone if Kaoru actually tried to show that other people's advances weren't welcomed.

Kaoru lied down on his bed and closed his eyes.

"You're acting like they all want to force themselves on me. It's just looks, nothing more. We are just the closest to something female-resembling in this place".

"Not the best ego boost", Hikaru commented with a scrunched up face and sat down on his own bed.

"You wouldn't have complained if it was women instead who looked at us".

Hikaru had a goofy smile on his face. "Guilty as charged… I haven't seen a woman in so long though. You think I will ever get the chance with a girl? I doubt it, only in my dreams".

"I am very aware of those dreams of yours", Kaoru said and Hikaru looked sheepishly at the floor. "But we might not be useful forever, so you might find a girl when we're disposable".

"That could take until we're old farts", Hikaru whined. "Besides, do we know for sure what will happen to us when there is no more use of us?"

"Stop it, Hikaru. We're not getting killed, that's just a foolish rumor. Don't be silly", Kaoru chuckled. "Now go to bed. I'm tired and I can see that you're tired as well".

Hikaru smiled at him and lied down on his own bed. "You're right about that one", Hikaru yawned. "And you're probably right about the killing thing as well".

"I  _ am  _ right about that as well. Goodnight Hika".

"Night, Kao".

* * *

Hikaru once asked Kaoru why Kaoru did this even if there was an obvious answer, it felt great.

Kaoru moaned louder as the other, older, man thrusted harder into him. It always got rougher when he was desperate for release (which Kaoru  _ really  _ didn't complain about). Fingers were digging into his hips so hard that he could already feel the crescent moon indents forming and his body was pushed farther into the mattress every time the other man shoved himself inside of Kaoru so hard that Kaoru was sure that he would be able to  _ feel _ him for the rest of the week.

It became harder for Kaoru to keep his hands on the bed frame above his head. He really wanted to either grip the sheet or, even better, his lover. However, that wasn't allowed so he wasn't going to do either of those things. These rules weren't in place because his friend(?) had a bondage kink, although it wouldn't be a surprise if he indeed loved tying up his toys _.  _ The man just didn't like to be touched… nor did he remember to touch others it seemed.

Kaoru slowly removed one hand from the bed frame to get himself off but had to put it back again when a hard thrust almost caused his head to collide with the hard surface. It was a miracle that he was even able to prevent the collision from happening because of how his vision turned white when the hard member inside of him hit just the right spot with brutal force.

"F-fuck!" Kaoru groaned and earned a smug look and a  _ breathless _ chuckle.

It made Kaoru a little satisfied that he was giving his lover pleasure as well even though he always had to remain a pillow princess.

Again, Kaoru tried to slowly lower his hand towards his crotch (making sure that the other man didn't think that he was about to touch him instead). He wrapped his fingers around himself and tried to stroke at the same pace as the thrusts, but it became increasingly more difficult because of how much his smaller body moved while he was being manhandled.

The violent "assault" on his g-spot and the pressure on his dick made him come pretty quickly while the other man, with way more experience, could go on for a little longer. Kaoru's semen splattered all over his stomach and after a few more minutes, he felt the other man still inside of him as he also came. Kaoru knew all too well how delighted and smug the older man was by the fact that there were no condoms around. Both were clean anyway and doing it raw seemed more pleasurable (Kaoru assumed, it's not like he had ever tried it with protection).

The other man collapsed on top of Kaoru and breathed heavily into his neck, which sent shivers down Kaoru's spine. These moments were the closest thing to an embrace Kaoru had ever received from anyone who wasn't his brother. Which sounded really sad, especially since he really enjoyed these moments despite how sticky and uncomfortable he felt.

They had been doing this for a while now and why he agreed to be used like this was a mystery. Kaoru was only really meant to be a warm, still and obedient body for the man to take out his sexual frustrations on. The man barely remembered to touch him down there to help him cum and no touches between them were affectionate at all. To a certain degree, Kaoru didn't mind being treated like this because it made it feel  _ kinkier  _ in a way, to be treated like a sex toy, but it didn't feel so nice that the other boy didn't seem to care about his needs at all. Kaoru wasn't sure if he would feel like this with any other lover or if he was starting to fall for the guy, and he really hoped that it was the first option because an unrequited love was the last thing he needed. Especially from someone who probably barely even saw him as a friend.

The larger body on top of him let out a groan as he lifted himself from the bed and pulled out of Kaoru. He stood up and started to try to fix the wrinkles in his button down shirt, but quickly gave up when he saw the stains on the fabric. Something he could have avoided if he ever had sex without a shirt on. Kaoru wanted to see him shirtless but that was another boundary that Kaoru refused to cross because he didn't want to make the guy uncomfortable.

"You should have worn a less fancy shirt", Kaoru teased. "Now you've got me all over it".

He didn't feel like leaving the bed yet, he still laid on the white sheets with his legs spread as he felt cum drip out of him. It felt disgusting and erotic at the same time and he suspected that something was wrong with him because he had never heard that anyone else enjoy this part of the aftermath.

"Well you had me worked up so I didn't have the time to change… and if you don't stop doing that I'm going to be worked up again so you won't be able to walk properly back to your room".

Kaoru was used to not being wanted at times he wasn't useful so it didn't make sense that he felt disappointed that he, again, wasn't allowed to stay after sex. He tried to ignore that disappointment though because casual sex was all this was.

"I'm literally not doing anything though,  _ doctor Ootori _ ", Kaoru said the last part with his mischievous voice and spread his legs a little farther apart.

Kyoya looked at him hungrily before averting his eyes.

"Don't say it like that, I want to be able to take my own profession seriously without thinking about this. Besides, it's bad for both of us if we go for another round right now. It's already late at it is".

"I'm still bathing in the afterglow though and I need to wash this out", Kaoru gestured down at the mess between his legs. "So if you want me out of here, you better help me up".

"You have no shame at all", Kyoya murmured and looked at Kaoru again, being careful not to look too far down his body. "At least you have stopped acting like a virgin every time we have sex".

"I have told you! I didn't get laid that often before you came around so I had no time to get used to this!"

"Maybe this is why you didn't get it so often, they wanted you to squirm like a  _ pure _ and  _ untouched  _ virgin every time they took you", Kyoya teased and Kaoru looked at him with wide eyes.

"Just… just… were you going to do the same if you weren't so freaking horny all the time?"

"Let's just get you cleaned up", Kyoya said, dodging the question, and Kaoru felt a little smug.

Kyoya put on his black boxers and grabbed the rag he always had nearby for these situations. Kaoru yelped as Kyoya started to wipe away the aftermath of their encounter off Kaoru's stomach and thighs and Kaoru made a slightly louder sound as he started to wipe away some from  _ down there _ as well.

"Is this part of another fetish you have? Because I'm not wearing a diaper", Kaoru said while trying to hide his embarrassment.

"I'm not letting you drip this on my floor and carpet", Kyoya said with just a hint of a smirk on his face. "And you're too useless to do anything right now".

" _ I'm always cleaning up for myself, you usually just give me the rag",  _ Kaoru thought but decided to keep quiet about. Kyoya was trying to make it seem like he was doing this because he thought that the younger boy couldn't, but Kaoru had been way more out of it other times and was still seen as being capable of cleaning himself.

Kyoya suddenly placed a gentle hand on his thigh and rubbed his thumb over the recent scabs. He looked like he was trying to figure something out but he didn't have all the puzzle pieces.

"These are new", he finally said without looking away from the carvings on the skin.

It was somewhat affectionate and Kaoru didn't know what to think about it.

"I have had new ones before. This is not the first time. Pretty sure I've had scars that are older than our f - for longer than we have known each other".

"You can say friendship. You have never walked on eggshells around me before and you don't have to do it now".

"Well, you didn't want to get any friends here so I didn't know what to say", Kaoru said and closed his legs so Kyoya wasn't touching him anymore. "Besides it doesn't matter. What I call us will not be what you would call us".

"What do you mean?" Kyoya said and finally looked him in the eyes.

"Like I said before, you didn't want friends here and you're not about to take that back. You're stubborn".

"That I am", Kyoya confirmed and returned his eyes back to Kaoru's thigh as Kaoru sat up and grabbed his shirt from the ground. "I can't really read any of the other wounds anymore but the letters JB stands out. What does that stand for?"

" _ This is uncommon, he usually doesn't try to talk about this if I have shown no interest in talking about it",  _ Kaoru thought and stood up from the bed to pick up the rest of his clothes.

"It's not an old ex-boyfriend that I still haven't gotten over if you think that", Kaoru said nonchalantly and accidentally dropped one of his socks so he had to bend over to pick it up.

"Are you purposely trying to make me worked up again?" Kyoya murmured dangerously.

It sent shivers down Kaoru's back and he was very tempted to make Kyoya lose his cool, but he didn't want to keep the older male awake for too long. Apparently, from what he had heard, Kyoya wasn't a very fun person to be around in the morning.

"Not everything I do is for your enjoyment,  _ perv _ ", Kaoru chuckled and stood up. "I'll use your shower quickly before I leave".

Kaoru was walking towards Kyoya's bathroom but stopped when Kyoya opened his mouth again.

"I didn't think you carved down the name of someone dear to you", he said quietly. "It wouldn't make sense considering how many names and numbers you have already put on your body".

"But you were hinting at that I'm a crazy self-harmer", Kaoru snapped back, a little ruder than he had to. "But I'm still sane. I've had some other doctors trying to be knights and talk to my superiors without knowing shit. Nothing happens because nothing is wrong".

"Other doctors? Are we your type?" Kyoya asked in a slightly accusatory way.

"I usually don't fuck my doctors no. Not that you have the right to be offended over just being picked because you're a kink though", Kaoru rolled his eyes and entered the bathroom.

Kaoru turned on the water in the shower. He grabbed the showerhead and immediately started to wash his lower body even if the water was still ice cold. Normally, he would take his sweet time because he liked how he could pretend to be a  _ normal  _ teenager hooking up with a  _ normal  _ friend with benefits (or whatever he and Kyoya were) under  _ normal  _ circumstances. Unfortunately, Kaoru didn't have the privilege to have that life though.

Kaoru turned off the water and put the showerhead back when he was clean enough and dried himself with a towel that had obviously already been used, but he didn't care.

Fully dressed, he exited the bathroom and walked over to the front door to put on his shoes. He stopped bothering to say goodbye a long time ago. Kyoya usually started to prepare himself for bed, read a book or do some work on his computer every time and just didn't seem interested in him when he left; he never returned the goodbyes so it was just pointless.

Kaoru suddenly felt a hand in his hair and he got so surprised that he stumbled over the shoe he was trying to put on and fell backward so Kyoya had to catch him and stabilize him.

"What was that for?" Kaoru asked and turned around to look (up) at him. "Hair pulling was off limits in the bedroom so it's off limits outside of the bedroom as well", he joked.

"I wasn't pulling it. I was just noticing that you didn't wash your hair. It was pretty much mattered to your forehead a couple of minutes ago so you probably would want to clean it", Kyoya said nonchalantly and raised an eyebrow. "Is it because you don't want to shower your hair twice in a row anymore?"

"What do you mean?"

"Well my shampoo has a very strong scent and I never smell it on you those times I meet you the day after we spent the night together", Kyoya said matter of factly. "My guess is that Hikaru doesn't want you to smell like me so he makes you shower when you get back. Am I correct?"

"It wouldn't look good if other people found out that we were having sex, you know. Especially for you, aren't you supposed to be a professional who doesn't fuck anyone in the military, to which you're supposed to be working for?"

"That's true. However-". Kyoya leaned against the door frame. "-I know your brother is part of the reason. This doesn't sound like anything he  _ wouldn't _ do".

"True that". Kaoru turned around and knelt down to put on his shoes, correctly this time. "Doesn't matter. I prefer taking more thorough showers in the morning anyway".

"It is pretty late", Kyoya agreed as he glanced at the clock on the wall above his desk.

"Yeah, so I won't keep you from your sleep any longer".

Kaoru stood up and opened the front door and walked out in the hallway.

"You're out faster than usual", Kyoya commented. "Did I actually cross a boundary?"

Kaoru was too tired in the head to hear if Kyoya said it teasingly, if he was annoyed or if he was genuinely concerned.

"Good night, doctor", Kaoru turned to him and smiled before he started walking away.

Kyoya said a quiet good night back before closing the door behind him. That was a first, but Kyoya couldn't really pretend not to see him leave this time around.

Kaoru walked through the hallway to the elevator and stepped inside. He went up a couple of levels before quickly exiting the, too small for his liking, room. He always felt really uncomfortable being in elevators. Small spaces that could fall several stories when accidents happened didn't sound that appealing to him, but he was too sore and tired to take the stairs.

Kaoru heard moaning from one of the Boys in his group's room when he walked through the corridor towards his own room. It really wasn't that uncommon for some guys to "experiment" because… well, guys are horny. It was usually fine because there was no risk for pregnancy (because no girls). Obviously, it was forbidden for them to have intercourse with someone in a position of power since it could make the relationships less  _ professional _ and ruin things… and in many cases, it didn't count as consensual because some of the boys in his group used to be, or currently were,  _ minors  _ and didn't always understand that they didn't have to have sex with someone just because it was their superior. Someone who was used to obey orders from someone could have a hard time disobeying because they often didn't know their own rights. So it was very clear that those kinds of relationships weren't allowed. However, it wasn't as clear if it was okay for Kaoru to sleep with a doctor. Doctors didn't really have any authority over the Boys but they could leave this place whenever they wanted (if they took leave of course) and it seemed like no one wanted the Boys to be with those kinds of people.

Kaoru and Kyoya had talked about the outside many times. There was a limit of course to what Kyoya was actually allowed to tell Kaoru and their conversations just barely crossed that line sometimes. Kyoya was always a little taken aback every time Kaoru said that he didn't remember or just didn't know something from the outside that Kyoya was talking about. It always made Kaoru wonder how much Kyoya actually knew about Kaoru's situation. Obviously, there were things that would have surprised Kaoru if Kyoya had known about his situation, but why would Kaoru know about the latest tech when he wasn't even allowed to have a phone? The Boys were only allowed a radio that played songs that were carefully picked out and they were allowed to see a few chosen movies. Things they all had agreed to a long time ago.

Kaoru walked past the other Boys' rooms and finally entered his own. Hikaru was immediately on him with his hands on Kaoru's shoulders and his face in his hair.

"I only showered with water", Kaoru said, irritated. "I'll take a proper shower in the morning".

"You still stink like him". Hikaru glared at him and lightly pushed him in the direction of the bathroom.

Kaoru turned around to glare at him. "You're being ridiculous. Especially since you could only smell him when you were burying your nose in my hair. I really just want to go asleep. I promise I will shower in the  _ morning _ ".

They glared at each other for a while before Hikaru yawned. "Fine. Go to bed smelling like the guy who uses you".

"Hikaru", Kaoru said his name like he couldn't believe what he was hearing (which he could). "That was completely unnecessary. He's not using me more than I'm using him. No one is leading anyone on".

"Using each other for what?" Hikaru crossed his arms and raised an eyebrow.

"Orgasms", Kaoru bluntly answered and smirked at the disgusted look on his brother's face.

"I shouldn't have asked", Hikaru said and gagged. "I don't know what I expected to hear".

"There is nothing deeper between him and I so cut me and him some slack".

Kaoru dragged himself to his bed and laid down. He faced the wall so all Hikaru could see was his back.

"I'm sorry for what I said, alright?" Kaoru heard Hikaru say. The apology was pretty much worthless, Kaoru knew that Hikaru would continue harassing him and Kyoya about this like he had done for such a long time. "I'm just worried about you getting hurt".

" _ You and I both know that's not the whole truth" _ , Kaoru thought but was too tired to voice any of it.

"I hope I can be alone in my dreams tonight", Kaoru said instead, not wanting to go over the same argument again.

"You're talking like you can control your dreams", Hikaru answered with a sigh of defeat and Kaoru heard how he lied down on his own bed.

"You know what I mean", Kaoru murmured and closed his eyes. Hikaru sighed again and they didn't speak to each other for the rest of the time they were awake.

* * *

Kaoru knocked on the door to general Rai's office and heard a burly voice tell him to enter.

Rai looked up at Kaoru from his paper and smiled. The man was in his mid fifties, had really short grey hair and a well trained body. Rai was a rather unpredictable man who's mood could quickly change from happy to angry within a second, but still a nice man in Kaoru's opinion. And not only because Kaoru used to have a crush on him when he went through puberty after seeing the man shirtless while training (don't judge, the man was attractive for his age).

"Hi there, little Kaoru", Rai said. He stood up and walked around his desk to properly welcome his visitor. "Hoping for good news?"

"You know it". Kaoru smiled back. "I was told to come here instead of being impatient and coming here on my own accord. So I'm very hopeful".

"Rightfully so, my boy!" The old man exclaimed.

He had a habit of referring to Kaoru as any variation of "tiny" or "young". Which felt both weird and good at the same time. On one hand, it felt a bit emasculating and on the other, it felt very affectionate in a non romantic way (the last part used to annoy Kaoru when he was 13, and very confused and horny of course).

Kaoru's smile widened. "So I'm approved?"

"Yes! You're approved for some fieldwork. Me helping you work out sure paid off, huh? Obviously you won't be going into war but you can come on some missions".

"That's all I'm asking for, general".

"You can call me Hans, little one", Rai said and hit him so hard on his lower back that he had to stabilize himself before he fell over.

"I keep forgetting, sir", Kaoru said with a chuckle.

It was a lie. He did only use Rai's last name on purpose because then he wouldn't use him calling him by his first name as disrespect later when he went into his angry moods. Kaoru took every measure needed to not get on his bad side when he was angry.

Rai picked up a paper from his desk and handed it to Kaoru.

"This is your approval in written form. Hopefully, you won't need to keep sending these, but I want to make sure that you understand the situation. Do you know what this means? Why you're suddenly allowed to do something even remotely dangerous?"

"Because I'm becoming more and more expendable?"

"Don't look so sad, my boy! There is no fun and freedom when you're precious. I mean you can finally do this, and right on time to be able to accompany your brother as well".

"I just… it's all I've heard, you know. That it's important to be useful. Soon they won't need me at all".

Rai put his hands on Kaoru's shoulders.

"You will always be a valuable soldier no matter what, short one. You don't crack like every Boy does eventually and you have been extremely helpful. In fact, don't tell anyone this, but I think you and your brother's first field mission is to  _ physically  _ come with us to the base you recently visited through memories".

"What? Really!? Then I can compensate for the shitty data I brought back!"

"It wasn't shitty though", Rai said and squeezed Kaoru's shoulders before letting go. "It was not as valuable as what others had, but it did help to prove a theory they have been working on. Because as you know, we don't know what they are trying to do over there".

Kaoru suddenly remembered the weird electric cloud he had seen at the last memory dive. Would this mission give him answers about that too? Shouldn't he tell his superiors about this like he had forgotten to do? But what if they pulled him out of his mission? _Should_ he be pulled out?

" _ Maybe I could tell Rai. He is secretive, he'll know what to do and he alone doesn't have the power to remove me from the mission". _

"General, about the mission. I saw something really weird that I can't explain and I want your opinion on if it's even worth mentioning to Grimes or not".

Rai looked him up and down to analyze his body language to see how serious this matter was to Kaoru.

"Shouldn't you have shared  _ all _ the details with Grimes? Isn't leaving important details out against the rules".

"I had a head injury during the report, general, and forgot about it. Besides, as I said, I don't know if it's significant or not", Kaoru explained.

Rai crossed his arms and leaned against his desk.

"Well, what did you see, kid?"

"I saw something that didn't belong in the memory".

"That's impossible".

"I'm serious, general. I saw a huge electric cloud, but not electric as in lightning. It was electric like electricity from some sort of machine…. the background was really blurry around it as well now when I think about it and it tried to talk to me but I couldn't understand what it was saying".

"Couldn't understand because it was a different language or?"

"No, it was like I was underwater and someone, a robot or something, above the surface was trying to communicate with me… it also was what took me out of the memory much earlier than what was intended", Kaoru said and straightened his back.

He wanted to sit down in the armchair in front of the desk, but Rai hadn't told him that it was allowed yet. Rai already looked more serious than before so he really didn't want to push it… maybe this was a bad idea. Kaoru had been struck before in the middle of a fit of rage, but it wasn't a very serious injury. But that didn't mean that he wanted to be struck again. Kaoru adding the last part probably increased the likelihood of him getting hit again, but he needed to convince the other man that this wasn't normal.

Rai sighed in a way that told Kaoru that he thought Kaoru was an idiot. Of course, it sounded like a serious matter that any sane person should have reported already.

"Kaoru, I really hope your bad memory is the biggest reason why you didn't tell Grimes as soon as you could about this". Rai shook his head and then looked straight into Kaoru's eyes. "Sometimes you get me a little frustrated… if you were my kid, I would have spanked you".

Initially, Kaoru was shocked by what he said before he started to laugh. Rai couldn't be that angry if he joked like that… or at least Kaoru assumed it was a joke.

"I don't think people discipline teenagers like that", Kaoru chuckled.

"You don't know much about raising children, so how would you know?" Rai teased.

"Some of the doctors talk about how they punish their kids every time the boys and I misbehave and I've only heard them doing that to kids… besides, teenagers could start to like it a little bit too much".

Kaoru didn't actually like the idea of parents hitting their children, but he didn't want to risk making Rai  _ actually  _ angry this time so he joked along with him.

"Yeah, you're right. I would have spanked you if you were my disobedient wife as well". Rai burst out laughing.

"General Rai!" Kaoru exclaimed. "Why does it feel like you haven't gotten laid in a while?"

"That's because I haven't, but back to what we talked about before". Rai's expression turned serious again, but not in a way that scared Kaoru. "I think it's stupid of you to not have gone to Grimes… but it would be more stupid for you to tell him now when you're approved for fieldwork".

"Why? Do you really think they wouldn't let me go for  _ this _ ?"

"I don't think, I  _ know _ ". Rai somewhat gently pushed Kaoru down on the armchair and sat down on his desk. "They were already hesitant about letting you memory dive there, kid".

"What? Why?" Did they actually know that this could happen? Was there someone who was out for him? A  _ zero _ ? But what had Kaoru done to deserve that? Yes, he had been in strangers' memories, but they couldn't prove that  _ he  _ was doing that. Besides, he didn't really have an identity left outside of the military. Everything about him was classified.

"Do you remember something called project takeover?" Rai asked and Kaoru's eyes widened before he looked down at the floor with a sad expression.

"By 0 Light? Yes", Kaoru answered with a monotone voice. "They were pretty big back in the day".

Rai didn't have to say more, Kaoru knew all about that.

"They were a nuisance that actually had great potential to do damage, but got disbanded years ago".

"Does this mean that they are back? And the lab they… did I visit their base? This feels very out of character for them"

"You sure did, boy. Jumping into someone's memories while having your own memories about the same place isn't the best thing. Right? You told me that".

"I did. Memories or strong associations that are just as powerful on the mind".

"Isn't that why the boys aren't allowed any contact with the outside world? So your own minds will be like clean slates?"

"At least that's part of the reason why those of the boys who have been here since the beginning don't know much about the outside", Kaoru said and rubbed his temples. "But I don't understand how my memory could taint my mission because I have never been to that place before".

"I don't have the answers… and if you want to go on this mission you can't ask anyone else about this either".

"So I have to choose between doing something I have wanted to do for a while and figuring out this mystery?"

"Look, you can ask Grimes about that afterward and pray he believes the bullshit that you forgot all about it until this mission reminded you. You will most likely be punished, but not as severe as I would be if you told anyone that I know about this. Don't tell anyone that you came to me with this unless you choose to go and tell Grimes right away now".

"I won't tell, I promise", Kaoru assured him. He really didn't see any reason as to why he should tell anyone that Rai knew about this. And not just because it felt like Rai was subconsciously threatening him. "I… I think I'll keep quiet about this. We worked so hard for me to get this opportunity".

"Good boy", Rai pat his head. "Now, if there's nothing else then you are dismissed".

Kaoru stood up and thanked Rai for his time before quickly leaving his office.

He felt rather unsatisfied by the conversation, but at least he knew his options now. Hopefully not telling Grimes about what he saw, for now, wouldn't make things too hard for him later. He just had to sound really convincing when he would tell Grimes after the mission that he hadn't been able to remember until then. Kaoru did get a head injury after all so it could help him sound more believable.

This still isn't as mind boggling as the fact that 0 light could be back… was it really safe for the twins to go there? Kaoru really had to tell Hikaru about 0 Light at least, even if he never intended on telling him about what happened during the memory dive. His brother deserved to know and give his own opinion on the matter… maybe Kaoru had to tell him about the electric cloud, but only if Hikaru asked too many questions.

A familiar soft sound echoed in the corridors. It meant that it was either time to plan for another memory mission or go on another memory mission. Consider that he just recently returned from one, the first option sounded most likely.

" _I'll tell Hikaru about this later"_ , Kaoru thought and disappeared down the hallway.


	2. Chapter 2. Why?

**Chapter 2. Why?**

"Good morning, doctor", Kaoru said when he entered the "room" Kyoya was in.

It wasn't really considered a room because it only had three walls, a cubicle. It was time for the Boys to have checkups with their respective doctors. The doctors' quarter was in a giant room with ten to twelve smaller "rooms" attached to each other in the middle of it. Around the cluster of "rooms" were machines and desks where the scientists usually hung out.

"I have told you not to say it like that", Kyoya said and gestured with his hand to Kaoru to sit down. "I will be checking your head and taking blood today. No need for a more thorough checkup this time because you had one earlier this week".

"Trying to get rid of me early I see". Kaoru teased after jumping up on the examination table.

Kyoya frowned. "I think I'm supposed to look at your head before taking your blood, Kaoru".

Kaoru looked a little confused at that.

"But my head injury isn't that serious so it can wait".

"Isn't that something for me to judge?" Kyoya carefully grabbed Kaoru's head and started to unwrap the bandages.

"Yeah I guess you're the doc here", Kaoru said sheepishly. "Must be nice to take every chance you get to touch young handsome men".

"You're the only young handsome man I'm touching", Kyoya said, absentminded, as he removed the last part of the wrapping to check the wound. "It looks like it has healed well. We'll just keep a big band-aid on it to make sure that it doesn't get infected".

"Really?"

"Yes, you're gonna be alright".

"No, I mean am I really the only guy you're with here? Is it because it's easier having only one person to sleep with?"

"Keep it down", Kyoya hissed and looked around quickly before his eyes returned to Kaoru. "And yes, one person is more manageable".

"I don't know about that. I feel like I'm testing your patience a lot". Kaoru made sure to not show that he had hoped that Kyoya had another reason for only being with him and no one else.

"Not in an annoying way", Kyoya answered with a smirk. "Now let's take blood".

Kyoya walked over to his desk and prepared a needle and ten small containers. He brought everything to Kaoru and put a sphygmomanometer on Kaoru's arm. Kaoru felt more and more pressure around his arm as Kyoya started to feel around for a good vein. Apparently, he had found one because he swabbed the spot, deflated the sphygmomanometer and inserted the needle into Kaoru's arm. Kaoru flinched but breathed out in relief when Kyoya attached one of the containers to the other end of the needle and blood instantly started to fill it.

"It's a relief that you're not one of those doctors that have to poke me with a needle five times in each arm before being able to draw blood", Kaoru said when he saw Kyoya's questioning look.

"That might change soon" Kyoya murmured without taking his eyes off the needle in Kaoru's arm. He switched to another container and put the blood filled one on a certain kind of tray that moved in a way so the blood was constantly in motion. "We use up your good veins fast. You're giving blood often".

"I kind of have to", Kaoru responded and shrugged with one shoulder to not disrupt Kyoya's work.

They sat in silence for a few minutes as Kyoya took the blood he needed. Then he put a cotton ball on the needle before he slowly removed the sharp object from the younger boy's vein. Kaoru flinched and Kyoya put a piece of medical tape over the cotton ball to keep it in place while the small wound was healing.

"There, all done", Kyoya said hesitantly. "If you don't mind me asking, how did you get the head injury?"

Kaoru was taken aback by the probing in his life.

"You actually want to know?"

"Yes, unless you just tell me to check your file again".

That was usually what Kaoru said whenever Kyoya asked for things that weren't necessarily classified. Kaoru didn't understand why the older guy hadn't read anything more than his medical file considering how curious he was.

"No, I can talk about this one now", Kaoru said and laid his hands on his lap. "You know what my mission here is, right?"

"Yes, you are a part of a group of young males, that are just referred to as the Boys, who are drinking a serum that makes you fall asleep and appear in other people's memories. The military has found a way to make sure that you're only going into the memories of a certain chosen group of people, but they can't yet choose exactly which individuals you are using. Hence why there are so many of you… you are also only able to do this because you're somehow using the power of a zero that was probably discarded long ago". Kyoya sat down next to Kaoru and waited for him to get to the point.

"Very good, you listen well", Kaoru purred and put a hand on Kyoya's neck which made Kyoya flinch.

However, Kaoru could see that Kyoya didn't just react like that because he was getting turned on and quickly removed his hand. He wasn't supposed to touch the doctor above the belt or without consent after all.

"But we take the drink in our meeting room and have to hurry back to our own rooms before we fall asleep… and I didn't do that in time so I bashed my head in on the floor… not the first time I haven't gotten back in time, but the first time I started to bleed from it".

"That makes sense, I was wondering why someone who falls asleep for a living manages to injure himself", Kyoya said and cleared his throat.

"Did you think that I got into a fight with one of the Boys or something?" Kaoru joked.

"Maybe, there aren't many other options".

"You're right about that". Kaoru stood up. "If we're done here, I'll just… ".

"How are your other wounds healing?" Kyoya asked.

"I only got a head injury from the fall".

"That's not what I'm talking about".

Ever since they last slept together, it had felt like Kyoya was extra wary around him. Kaoru assumed it was because of the scars and what having a body full of scars usually implied. Kaoru's arms, lower stomach plus a few spots on his hands and feet were full of them by now so it made sense for Kyoya to wonder. It sure did surprise Kyoya the first time he saw them.

The two men usually acted like they didn't know each other outside of the appointments and "booty calls", but Kaoru swore Kyoya looked at him more often with concerned looks. Maybe he had done it before as well and Kaoru just didn't notice until now. He really couldn't tell. It helped to convince Kaoru that Kyoya did in fact care for him as a friend (which felt nice even if Kaoru had started to slowly accept that he wanted more).

"You mean those on my thigh? They are healing just fine. Probably going to scar like the others", Kaoru answered honestly and nonchalantly.

He wanted Kyoya to drop the subject already. It's not like he was actually allowed to give too many details about what he did.

"Is there no way to prevent that from happening?" Kyoya asked hesitantly. "I have heard talking about things might help".

Kaoru started to become annoyed with him again, outright glaring now.

"You always think you know what's best. If this was actually a problem and talking to someone actually helped then I would have done that a long ago. And I can't tell you about what's happening because I'm not allowed to and it could make things more difficult for both of us".

"First of all, I highly doubt that you have any professional person here to talk to, considering all the breakdowns that have happened in your group", Kyoya spat at him. "And I have a difficult time seeing how this is classified and not just something you don't want to tell me. You could just have said that it's personal".

"I'm not lying to you, Kyoya! Yes, it's personal but since when did people like me have a personal life!?"

"Is this behavior caused by a reaction to the serum?" Kyoya ignored his outburst. "Is that why it's to no avail to talk to a psychologist? Why do you have to give more blood than the other boys? Is this bad reaction why you're the only one who doesn't break down after a while?"

"Kyoya, seriously knock it off", Kaoru said in such a serious and tired way that it visibly shocked Kyoya. "You will NEVER hear the answers from me. My own twin only knows about this because he has been around me all my life so I can't hide things from him. You will learn the truth when the people in charge choose to. Which will be pretty soon so don't worry".

They looked at each other intensely in silence.

"So you promise me that they will actually tell me about this?" Kyoya asked.

Kyoya wanted to put an end to the argument. Kaoru's mind went back and forth between Kyoya actually not wanting to hurt him or Kyoya just not wanting to lose a warm body as the reason why he didn't probe further.

"Yes, I promise… you sure must be very curious about this for some reason. Because, like you said before, you didn't come here to meet people to care about so you don't actually care about me, remember?"

And that finished the conversation, Kaoru already knew. Kyoya looked rather conflicted for a few minutes like he wasn't sure what approach was appropriate. However, sometimes the older man was rather predictable because of his own stubbornness. Hence why Kaoru knew that Kyoya was going to end the conversation right there.

"You're right", Kyoya murmured and started to put away the equipment he had previously used on Kaoru. "You can go now. I have other things to do and I assume that you do too".

Kyoya wasn't looking at him and it made him feel uneasy. Had he been too rude to him during their conversation? Did he say something particularly wrong? It couldn't have been the last thing he said, could it?

Kyoya had told him that so many times previously, told him that he didn't care for anyone there and was at the base only for business. All his loved ones were back home, like his flamboyant best friend he sometimes talked about. Tamaki, or whatever his name was. It didn't matter if he saw Kaoru as a friend or not, he was just temporary. A temporary person to talk to, a temporary person to fuck. Kyoya would one day forever, or just temporarily, leave and find a husband. No more need for Kaoru then. Kaoru hoped that Kyoya left forever if he found someone he wanted to spend his life with because Kaoru really didn't think that he could watch that.

"Am I coming over tonight?" Kaoru asked and tried to swallow the lump in his throat. He hoped that Kyoya didn't turn to look at him in case he wasn't hiding his distress as good as he hoped. "You haven't gotten laid in a couple of days".

"Not tonight, I'm going to be busy" Kyoya answered and his voice sounded cold in Kaoru's ears.

Kaoru couldn't actually know if it was an excuse or not. It probably wasn't because Kyoya had been allowed to take part in the research team lately so he had more to do. Still, Kaoru couldn't help but feel rejected.

He turned away from Kyoya and started to leave.

"But come over tomorrow", Kyoya said and Kaoru stopped in his tracks. "But prepare yourself because, like you said, we haven't done anything in a while".

Kaoru slowly nodded but wasn't actually sure if Kyoya was looking at him or not so he mumbled a reply before finally leaving.

Honestly, Kyoya telling him to come the day after felt somehow worse than the rejection, now when Kaoru actually thought about it. The fact that Kyoya was willing to use his body after hurting him by crossing the line didn't sit well with him. Of course, it was just an overreaction on Kaoru's part. From Kyoya's point of view, he just showed Kaoru that they were still good despite their argument. Kaoru sure couldn't be content with anything, always wanting more. What exactly did Kyoya have to do so Kaoru didn't feel hurt? Kaoru knew exactly what, but that would never happen.

Kaoru was met by a suspicious look from Hikaru when he finally got back to their room.

"You took long", Hikaru said, like he was accusing Kaoru of something really bad.

"I always have more things to check, you know that", Kaoru said. He really wasn't in a mood to handle his brother's overprotectiveness right now. "And this time I also had a new injury to look at… and I had a casual conversation with my doctor". There was no point in lying to him, especially when he already knew the truth.

"What were you two talking about?"

"Why do you have to know everything I do? Why can't I have more than one friend?" Kaoru inquired, angry, and walked past his brother to his bed.

"I was just asking because I was curious. I'm not asking about every minute of your life", Hikaru said and rolled his eyes. It made Kaoru even angrier that Hikaru was either pretending or in denial about how bad he actually was.

Hikaru always asked several, accusatory, questions every time Kaoru tried to be social with anyone he didn't have to be social with. Kaoru couldn't even talk to the Boys in his group that has known the twins since before they entered the military, like Jiro, without Hikaru becoming angry.

In a way, Kaoru could understand it. Kaoru was all Hikaru had, after all, the only person he hadn't lost. They understood each other better than anyone else could and had been through so much shit together.

"It's not just you being curious and you know that", Kaoru said, a little softer than before. "You don't like that I want to get to know other people".

"Not when other people are Ootori fucking Kyoya".

"Why is it so bad that I'm friends with him?"

"Because you want to be more than friends!"

"Who fucking cares!?" Kaoru exclaimed. Once again there was no point in lying about this either. "It's just a one-sided crush, so what? I'm getting hurt either way".

"Not as much as you will be!"

"What are you talking about!?"

"HAVEN'T THOUGHT ABOUT WHAT'S GOING TO HAPPEN WHEN THE WHOLE MILITARY KNOW WHAT WE HAVE DONE!?" Hikaru screamed and Kaoru froze. "You haven't, have you!? Remember how everyone who has known, or at least learned some of it, have treated you? Treated us!? I'm the only loved one who still loves you while knowing everything about you. What hurts the most? Being rejected because he doesn't see you as a boyfriend, or rejected because he thinks you're a horrible person? … Kaoru?"

The lump Kaoru had in his throat from the previous conversation was borderline choking him at this point. The tears he had managed to hold back before flew freely now. If he hadn't been so stressed and emotionally exhausted beforehand he would probably just have been angry and not crying.

He hadn't thought about this. The only thing he might have thought about is that he would feel relief when Kyoya finally got his answers about the scars. He hadn't thought about exactly how much more Kyoya would be told. It's was stupid of him to forget. Kaoru was worse than any Zero. Maybe Kyoya wouldn't know about exactly everything, but enough for him to realize that he was lucky to not have fallen for Kaoru.

"Kaoru, fuck. I'm so sorry for being so harsh. I shouldn't have… fuck". Hikaru wrapped his arms around Kaoru who didn't try to push him away. "I'm sorry, I… look, I know you really like the guy but… we aren't meant to love anyone-". "Or be loved". "-and Kyoya told us that we didn't mean shit to him already… I'm sorry".

"He… he does care a l-little about me", Kaoru sobbed, at least he wanted to believe it. "Th-that's what makes th-this w-worse. Don't say s-sorry… you-you're right".

"I shouldn't have screamed at you though", Hikaru said. "I know you're stressed. Besides the doctor's appointments you both have, you have your secrets coming out plus our very first mission out there. You have a lot to think about".

Hikaru had been both excited and worried when he learned that Kaoru was going to go with him on the mission to the lab they had visited in other people's memories. The worry grew when Kaoru had told him about the electric cloud and for a moment Kaoru had feared that Hikaru would tell on him to keep him at the base. However, Hikaru wasn't that stupid. He knew that it wouldn't go well for Kaoru if he snitched. Hikaru would probably just be kept at the base for his own safety while Kaoru would be punished for keeping quiet. Of course, Kaoru didn't tell that the general knew about it this.

"I guess I do", Kaoru answered and laughed through the tears. "I will get over him eventually. Not the first stupid crush I've had".

"Must be hard, being such a homo around so many hot men".

"Shut up", Kaoru said and both laughed this time. Kaoru had finally calmed down enough for the waterworks to stop.

Hikaru used his hand to dry his brother's eyes and cheeks.

"How much do you bet on that we'll get accused of domestic abuse again because I yelled?"

"Not that I have anything to bet with, but I think that we'll get notified shortly".

And exactly 20 minutes later a guard came to do exactly that.

* * *

It was always obvious that the Boys didn't belong with the others every time they walked through the dining room. Everyone else thought that they were so much more important than the Boys even if most couldn't do what the Boys did but anyone could be a jackass giving orders.

Kaoru and the rest of the Boys sat down at their usual table away from the scientists, doctors and superiors. Kyoya acted like he and Kyoya didn't know each other like normal, but Kaoru did catch Kyoya giving him a look before quickly looking away. Kaoru wasn't sure if Kyoya looked concerned, curious, suspicious or whatever. He didn't have the time to properly see. Obviously, he hoped for the first one, even if it made him feel even more guilty for all the secrets. Kaoru didn't deserve him.

"I'm going to get a few paper towels because this looks really messy", Hikaru said and pointed at the goo on his tray. "You want some too, Kao?"

"Yeah, sure. Thanks". Kaoru smiled at him as he left the table.

The smile was replaced with a frown as it felt like someone was staring at him. He looked at Kyoya's table again, but it wasn't him so he returned his eyes back to his own table and looked around until they landed on a familiar blonde to his left. Yes, he should have noticed someone that close sooner.

"How's it going, Jiro?" Kaoru carefully asked.

All of the boys knew that Jiro was close to a dangerous breakdown. There was also a rumor that he might not be allowed to do any more memory diving any time soon. Something that probably didn't make Jiro's situation any better. Hikaru was the Boy who was the least concerned about being useful, but that was only because of certain circumstances. For everyone else, being useless was almost equal to being dead. So Jiro was like a walking corpse. They literally didn't have a life outside of the military and no one really knew what happened to the ones who the military didn't need anymore. Most seemed to think that they weren't told what would happen because the answer was that they would be killed. Kaoru didn't think so… at least not most of the time. He suspected that they weren't told what would happen because the superiors didn't want to risk giving the Boys a reason to want to retire. Maybe retirement meant actually leaving the army to live in the outside world and a bunch of reckless horny guys were very curious beings. That's just a theory though.

"I'm alright, Kaoru… considering the circumstances". Jiro answered and cleared his throat. "If alright means that I'm not currently having a panic attack".

He sounded just as nice as usual, but there was something odd about him. It almost felt like he was angry, which wasn't a surprise. Kaoru had seen all kinds of feelings in the Boys who were freaking out. Unfortunately, not many of those boys stayed long after said freakouts… actually, none of them stayed after their freakouts, now when Kaoru thought about it. It made him feel sad for Jiro because Jiro was actually someone he liked.

"I'm… really sorry to hear about your distress", Kaoru said.

He wasn't actually sure of what he was supposed to say…. Wait. There was something about Jiro that felt different. He had seen the other boy many times before (they had known each other for a long time after all) but this was the first time he actually took a good look at him.

"What's with that look?" Jiro asked while chewing on the already chewed up area around the nail on his index finger.

He had clearly been nervously chewing and picking at the wounds around all of his nails. One of them had left a little bloodstain on his sleeve.

"It's just… something familiar".

"Well I hope so", Jiro chuckled but his face looked stone-like. "I have been here for as long as you have".

"Yeah! Wow, sometimes I forget that I'm not the only OG boy. How many of us are actually left?"

"That's a hard question", Jiro said. "In the Boys, there are only me, you, Hikaru and Kibiki".

"The only Japanese boys in the group", Kaoru commented with a chuckle.

"Exactly. I believe you remember why?" Jiro said and Kaoru stopped smiling. "Anyway. That's how many OG members are left in our group, but at least two, maybe three, are being used in other ways, as you already know".

"They are apart from us because of their usefulness and for their safety", Kaoru said. "If I remember things correctly".

"Yes. Which was a very smart decision". Jiro turned away and looked down at his own food. He sighed and started to slowly eat the goo.

Kaoru felt a little uneasy by the conversation now. But what did you expect from talking to someone who was slowly losing his mind?

Hikaru finally returned and sat down next to him.

"Here you go, little brother", Hikaru said and handed Kaoru a paper towel. "What's with that look?"

"Just a lot to think about" Kaoru answered and pokes the goo with his fork.

"I understand", Hikaru said. "This pre-breakup phase must a pain in the ass at a time like this".

"We aren't boyfriends, we never were".

"Would it feel much different if you were?"

"I guess not", Kaoru mumbled.

He really wanted to tell Kyoya the truth as soon as possible just to get it over with. Kyoya wouldn't take the news well, he might even hurt Kaoru because becoming violent was a natural response to being angry or betrayed. At least in Kaoru's experience. He really didn't like that and he really didn't want to see Kyoya like that, but he might. Or maybe he did want Kyoya to hit him so he could be punished for lying to him. He really couldn't decide which one was the worst.

"How do you think he'll react, Hikaru?" Kaoru asked. "I know he will get angry, but do you think he'll get violent kind of angry or disappointed and silent kind of angry?"

"Do you really want to talk about this?" Hikaru frowned. Kaoru knew that Hikaru was secretly stoked that Kaoru and Kyoya wouldn't have anything outside of a professional relationship anymore, but Hikaru still cared about Kaoru's feelings and didn't want him to be more hurt by this.

"I can't be silent with my thoughts", Kaoru answered.

"If you honestly want my opinion about what he will do… I honestly think he'll just pretend like you two never happened. Maybe he'll continue on like he is just your doctor or ask to switch place with another doctor… I'm really sorry".

"No, you're probably right", Kaoru said sadly and looked down at the table. "He might maybe, MAYBE scold me for not rejecting him knowing what kind of person I am. But he will most likely pretend that I'm nothing to him, he's kind of good at that".

Hikaru wrapped an arm around his shoulders.

"He doesn't deserve you either way. You need someone who isn't treating you like nothing". Hikaru now had a scowl on his face.

"Like I said before, we have never been together. And even if we were, we would still have to pretend that we aren't. I don't think it's allowed for us to be together", Kaoru mumbled. "Besides, you or I dating anyone? That's a joke".

"All of the Boys could date each other", Hikaru joked and Kaoru chuckled. "I'm obviously not going to join. You all can have your homosexual orgy while I'm sitting in the next room jerking off to a magazine I have stolen from one of the doctors".

"You sure you won't one day cave in and ask one of the Boys for a blow job while having your eyes closed", Kaoru said and looked up at him.

"I survived puberty without being that desperate", Hikaru said and cackled. "I think I can manage my coming adult years as well".

Hikaru suddenly looked away from Kaoru and started to look angry. Kaoru frowned and looked in the same direction as his brother. It was Kyoya of course. He and Hikaru were staring at each other… or more like glaring. Kaoru knew why Hikaru glared, but why did Kyoya glare back?

Kyoya looked at Kaoru instead and his expression immediately turned softer and more curious. Now Kaoru understood that Kyoya was wondering why he looked so distraught and why Hikaru was trying to comfort him. Kaoru couldn't come up with another reason because why else would Kyoya show interest in this? … and why would he even notice in the first place? Consider that he thought that Kaoru was a self-harmer, he probably thought that Kaoru's current distress meant that he was starting to get suicidal… however, the fact was still that Kyoya actually (probably) worried about him. That was good enough for Kaoru.

Kaoru smiled at him in return to show (lie) that he was fine. Kyoya nodded with a small smile back before returning to the conversation his colleges were having. Kaoru looked down at his food again and Hikaru glared at Kyoya for a few more seconds before looking back to Kaoru.

"What was that all about, Kaoru?" Hikaru asked, still a little angry. "Why was he looking at you now?"

"He was not trying to send me a mental booty call if that's what you think", Kaoru said with a small chuckle. "Just ignore him, Hikaru".

"How can I when that pervert is trying to put his nose where it doesn't belong?" Hikaru said and gave Kyoya another, quick, glare. "He has no right to know anything about you if he won't be able to handle the truth".

"I guess not", Kaoru mumbled and put his fork back on the table. He had lost his appetite. "Can't he know the truth sooner so this nightmare can end?"

"You could also break off your 'friends with benefits'- thing before that", Hikaru suggested. "You are not obligated to continue if it's not right for you".

"I know".

"But you're not going to be the one to end it, right?"

"No".

* * *

It was late but not so late that the Boys had to go to bed yet. Most of them still did because they had training the day after, early in the morning to keep their bodies in shape in case of emergency and you wanted to get as much sleep as possible. The ones who didn't go to sleep yet hung out in the Boys' common room. A place where you could play board games, sometimes watch movies, listen to music, draw, read books and just socialize.

The twins were currently the only ones there. One of the new Boys had just left the room after just finishing a book that Kaoru had read several times. The brothers were tired but Kaoru didn't want to go to bed yet. He was supposed to go to Kyoya's room the night after and he was full of guilt and anxiety over having to pretend like everything was normal.

"I really need to go to sleep now", Hikaru said, tired, and put his pencil back where it belonged. He had tried to come up with something to draw for a while now but his paper was still blank.

All the twins ever did draw was clothes, because they were so fascinated by what they saw in the magazines or how the clothes were described in the books. They tried to draw other things as well - hence why Hikaru couldn't come up with anything - because they were always made fun of for that. Kyoya never did comment anything negative about their drawings though. He once accidentally saw one dress that Kaoru was drawing and said that it looked like something rich people wear and that it was a good design that could be better with practice.

"Stop thinking about him", Kaoru mentally told himself.

"You look like you're going to pass out, Hikaru", Kaoru said with a yawn. "So I agree with your body that you need to go to sleep".

"Are you coming with me? You probably look just as tired as me", Hikaru asked.

Just when Kaoru was about to answer, he was hit by a numbness that made it harder for him to see, hear and feel and he became way more tired than before, but yet more awake at the same time. It was like he was exhausted and so full of energy that he was unable to fall asleep. It was hard to explain because it wasn't something you normally experience.

"No, I think I want to stay a little longer", Kaoru said but it wasn't at all what he wanted to say. "I won't be here for long, I promise".

"What the fuck is going on? No, I want to go with him. I'm tired as hell. Why am I saying this crap?"

"Do you really want to be alone right now?" Hikaru asked. "And staying up later than this isn't ideal. Both you and I need extra training for our upcoming fieldwork, remember?"

"Like I said, I won't be up for much longer. I just remembered that general Rai was asking for me and I'm already late as it is".

"What the fuck!? I can't even move on my own accord!... What are you trying to do to me!?"

"Jeeeesus Christ Kaoru. You better fucking hurry before he bashes your head in for being late", Hikaru exclaimed with wide eyes.

"Yes, so I need to go now", Kaoru said (again) against his will.

"That's a pretty good excuse. None of the boys would question anything if you're supposed to hurry to Rai. What are you trying to do?"

Kaoru nodded at Hikaru and both exited the common room together. They waved to each other before going in opposite directions.

Kaoru wanted to fight his body, but it had betrayed him. Someone else was in charge for now and it could only mean bad things.

He walked farther and farther away from the common room, down four staircases and through a small hallway towards meeting room number 6.

"What are you trying to do!? You have never taken over my body before, what are you planning to do with me, Jiro?"

Kaoru walked into the meeting room and locked the door behind him. Jiro was sitting on a chair close to the door with his eyes closed. He looked more peaceful than he had looked in quite a while.

Jiro made Kaoru walk over to the wall opposite of the door and made him sit down on one of the chairs there. The blonde boy opened his eyes and all the senses that were previously dulled down returned to Kaoru. He moved his hands in small circles to make sure that he was the one in charge before he turned to Jiro with a puzzled look.

"What is the meaning of this?" Kaoru asked.

"You still remember that I'm a zero? That I'm doing this?" Jiro mused. "So you're not completely oblivious to reality?"

Jiro didn't sound psychotic or like any of those crazy villains in the cartoons the Boys were allowed to watch. He looked annoyed and angry, not like he was going to laugh like a maniac or anything like that.

"Of course I remember", Kaoru said, he was quite annoyed too. "But I don't understand why you used your powers on me to get me here when you could just have asked to talk with me privately".

Jiro picked up a rather long splinter, about three inches, from his pocket. He placed the tip of the splinter under the nail on his index finger and pushed it in. He winced as the wooden material went all the way through the space under his nail and further into his finger. Kaoru forced himself to keep looking because he didn't want to show weakness, but it wasn't an easy thing to look at.

Jiro let go of the splinter when he thought that a good part of it was in his finger. You could see it in his face that it was extremely painful. He closed his eyes and took a few deep breaths before looking at Kaoru again.

"Did you hope that I was going to forget this? That you had a chance of getting away?" Jiro asked and Kaoru frowned.

"No, Jiro! Why are you so convinced that I have something against you? You are my friend!" Kaoru cried. He noticed that Jiro wasn't removing the splinter, which meant that he was ready to take over Kaoru's body again if he tried to escape. Some Zeros really had to do gross things to be able to use their powers. Or was it only some? Every Zero Kaoru had met had to do something disgusting to themselves.

"Are we actually friends or is Hikaru your only friend, Kaoru?" Jiro asked and rolled his eyes. "Besides, why would I want to be your friend when you have fucked people up?"

"You are not innocent in all this! You have done messed up shit too! Don't forget that". Kaoru refused to let Jiro believe that he was an innocent victim. "You are just as bad as me!"

"Uh, yeah? And what have I done recently that ruin people's lives!?"

But then Kaoru's eyes widened.

"So he's talking about that? But that's not my fault!"

"I'm not in charge of that Jiro, and you know that", Kaoru said. "I'm just giving my help. Everyone knew the risks before-".

"I used to defend you Kaoru, Lord knows I did", Jiro said and groaned in frustration. "I defended you against the Boys who wanted to punish you. Remember those five guys who attacked you? I helped you. I put in a good word for you and helped you make them think it was self-defense. I even spent years telling the Boys that they shouldn't be mad at you, but boy do I regret that now".

"Don't bring up those guys", Kaoru said, almost pleaded. "You know that's a sensitive subject and you fucking know that it was self-defense. They. Attacked. Me".

"I clearly don't care about your feelings anymore Kaoru", Jiro said with a spiteful smile. Maybe there was something psychotic in him after all. "And yes it was self-defense. I won't deny that. The point is that I should just have let people take their anger out on you because you deserve it".

"Why are you saying this? What happened to you?" Kaoru didn't understand.

Jiro had always been a kind and funny person who was always nice to talk to. Just like Jiro also said, he had even defended Kaoru on multiple occasions. Why was he turning on him now… no, wait. It was obvious as to why.

"Are you turning against me because you're breaking down? You're blaming me for this!? Jiro, you knew the risks of doing this to your mind. I was not leading you on. You told me that you knew-".

"It's not fair!" Jiro exclaimed and flew up from his chair. "It's not fucking fair how you're not breaking down when everyone else does! Even your fucking twin is slowly breaking down!"

"He is not!"

"I used to be able to talk to you without him being suspicious of everything we said. Kaoru, he is getting more and more paranoid and you know it", Jiro said and shook his head in disbelief at Kaoru's childish denial. "But that's beside the point. Everyone is losing their mind eventually and you still have your sanity left. You aren't getting any consequences. You. You deserve to have a shattered mind more than anyone else!"

"No consequences? Look at my fucking arms!" Kaoru yelled and pulled up one of his sleeves. "I'm not going through this safe and sound. I have been hurt by this work for a long fucking time and it's not stopping anytime soon!"

"But are you getting nightmares? Are you getting anxiety over every little thing? Is telling your own memories apart from the ones you have visited becoming harder and harder!? Have you found yourself thinking that you're someone whose mind you once visited through a memory!? HAVE YOU EVER LOOKED IN THE MIRROR SEVERAL TIMES A DAY TO MAKE SURE THAT IT'S ACTUALLY YOURSELF THAT YOU'RE SEEING!?" Jiro ran towards Kaoru.

Before Kaoru could react, he had Jiro's bony but strong hands wrapped around his neck. Kaoru stood up and tried to pry his hands away from his throat, but Jiro just rammed Kaoru's head into the wall and tightened his grip. Thanks to Kaoru's head injury, the collision with the wall behind him created an intense headache, and his body was still weak after being under Jiro's control.

He became more and more light headed as he wasn't able to properly inhale more air. He tried to hit Jiro in the face, but he was too weak at the moment. Jiro didn't even seem to care how this put more strain on the splinter in his finger.

Kaoru tried to beg Jiro to let him go, but he couldn't talk. The only thing coming out of his mouth was choked gasps. They were looking into each other's eyes; Kaoru looked at Jiro with watering and pleading eyes and Jiro looked at Kaoru with pure hatred…. wait.

Kaoru clicked on his ring several times until his small hidden blade came out. He was slowly starting to blackout and his thoughts became less coherent because of a lack of oxygen in his brain, but he knew that he had to attack Jiro in a place that would really hurt. Not hurt like a cut up finger, but hurt like something you just can't ignore.

With the last of his strength, Kaoru swung his arm against Jiro's head so the hidden blade dragged along Jiro's face. Jiro screamed and his grip loosened slightly on Kaoru, but it wasn't enough to make sure that Kaoru was safe. Quickly, Kaoru tied his fist and hit Jiro on the eye so the tiny blade penetrated the cornea and went in deeper. Jiro screamed louder this time and let go of Kaoru to cover his bleeding eye. Kaoru fell to the floor and tried to desperately inhale as much air as possible, while slowly crawling away with his weak arms. He didn't care about the blood and goo from Jiro's eye covering his fist, he just needed to get away.

The doors to the room flew open and five soldiers ran in. Kaoru didn't know how they got there so quickly, but he couldn't care less about that right now.

One of the soldiers told Jiro to lay down on the ground and Jiro looked at them with hatred and fear in his eye. The soldier repeated the question and Jiro slowly lowered himself to the floor. However, Kaoru saw how he grabbed the splinter in his finger. He tried to warn the soldiers, but the strength Jiro had while choking him had made him unable to make any noise that didn't sound like a broken whisper.

Within a minute, Jiro yanked the splinter out and closed his only working eye. One of the soldiers immediately froze before turning his gun on the other four.

"No Jiro! Don't do this! There is no turning back if you…!"

The soldier Jiro had taken over shot one soldier in the head so blood splattered on the wall behind him. The other soldiers jumped out of the way to find protection. Jiro managed to accidentally shoot another soldier in the arm instead of the head and the soldier fell to the ground. The soldier on the ground managed to click the reinforcement button on his armor before Jiro's puppet finished the job. Help was on the way.

The other two soldiers tried to protect themselves yet not damage their fellow soldiers fatally. Kaoru assumed that it was because they knew that Jiro had taken over his body and therefore he didn't deserve to die. However, their shots at his arms and legs were futile because Jiro could only feel a certain percentage of his puppet's pain. Kaoru wanted to scream at them to shoot their friend in the head so they wouldn't die, even if it would make him sound heartless and cold. It would also make him a massive hypocrite because he should have in fact told them to shoot Jiro instead, but he wouldn't do that even if he was able to use his voice.

More soldiers stumbled into the room and these soldiers seemed to give no fucks. Two of them gunned down the rouge soldier despite his friends' protests (begging). Jiro opened his eye just as one of the soldiers pointed a gun at him. All the anger in his eyes was replaced with fear.

"N-no, please! I'll-I'll be good. I promise!" He begged while clutching his wounded eye. Jiro would never be able to use that eye again if he was allowed to come out of this alive.

Kaoru himself tried to call for the soldier to stop but his voice wasn't fully back yet.

"Botan Baisotei", the soldier said sternly. "Known as Jiro. You have committed several crimes this evening. Kidnapping, using your zero powers on two soldiers with two accounts of using your powers to kill, which means two accounts of murder and attempted murder plus resisting arrest. You had gone away with an easier sentence if you had just committed kidnapping and using your zero on-".

"I'm begging you!" Jiro exclaimed and raised both of his hands in surrender. "I'm not b-bad. I need help, please! I didn't want to kill them, b-but they would have k-killed me!"

"You fucking idiot, Jiro. They would have retired you! You would have still been able to live if you hadn't been so afraid!"

"We were only asked to kill you if you turned rouge. You're a murderer, Botan".

"Don't call me that by that name! You didn't before, d-don't start n-now. And I was a murderer before! But this wasn't for the same reason, I was, I was".

"Of course you were, you're a zero. Zeros are usually murderers. That's what your powers are for, right?" The soldier said coldly to the sobbing teenager on the floor. "But we have rules here and you know the rules, but you broke them. Stay calm and wait until one of the generals arrive and pray that he has mercy on your fucked up soul".

Kaoru slowly started to crawl towards Jiro, trying to call for him.

Jiro slowly nodded at the soldier with his eyes staring right into the barrel of the gun. He tried to calm himself down despite how terrified he was. He was shaking.

"Yes Jiro, please stay calm. There is a chance that you'll survive this. If you don't freak out, they'll probably assume that your reaction was out of fear and insanity and use this to discharge you. Stay calm, please. The general might not want you dead if he realizes that you're crazy".

"They are not going to let me live", Jiro said and started to hyperventilate. "They are going to kill me". Under his breath, Jiro whispered: "It's never going back". Kaoru was sure that he was the only one who heard that.

"Stay down, Baisotei!" The soldier ordered and the other soldiers pointed their guns at the boy too. By using Jiro's legal name, he made it clear that he had no respect for him. There were several reasons why people refrained from using anything but the name Jiro when talking to or about Jiro. "And for fucks sake, get Kaoru away from him!"

Before Kaoru could try to protest, he felt someone wrap their arm around his body under his armpits and hoist him up before pulling him away. He became more lightheaded when he was forced to stand up so quickly. He wanted to tell them to stop, that he could maybe calm his friend down… his friend who just tried to kill him.

Everything after that went so fast. Jiro's eyes snapped to Kaoru's direction and his hand flew to the splinter on the floor before his bloodied head fell to the ground followed by a loud sound.

Kaoru was in shock for a minute before he started to scream. He sounded like a broken music box and he felt how he was ruining his voice, but he didn't care. He couldn't stop yelling at the dead body about how fucking stupid he was for freaking out, how stupid it was of him to act so stupidly afraid of dying so much that he got himself killed, how stupid it was of him to try to use his powers when there was a change that he wouldn't be killed, stupid, stupid, stupid, stupid!

"Silence him before he permanently damages his vocal cords", the soldier who shot Jiro said to the soldier who held Kaoru, and Kaoru's mouth was covered by a hand before he felt a familiar sting in his neck. The last thing he saw before he lost consciousness was Jiro's eyes. They didn't have the same hatred that they previously held, instead, they looked empty.


	3. After

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> A/N: I feel like my fear of attention and me not wanting to try making things I do popular are connected. Even with the Harry Potter one, I didn't write angst about someone people typically read angst about (and I posted every chapter within two days). I m considering using my "zero idea" in a fandom like Voltron or something one day but I have to have an actual story in mind first ya know. Anyway, enjoy the gay angst.

**Chapter 3. After**

Kaoru felt very stiff in his neck when he woke up; he had a neck brace on. It only took him a few seconds to remember what happened the night before.

"Fucking idiot, Jiro. Why? Why did you have to go and die?"

A shuffling to his left snapped him out of his inner turmoil.

"You're awake!" Hikaru exclaimed and grabbed Kaoru's hand. Kaoru intertwined their fingers and smiled weakly at his brother. "I'm so glad that I remembered there was no way Rai had asked for you last night. The anniversary of his wife's death is coming up this week, he never wants to meet anyone during that time".

So Hikaru was the one who called for help? It made sense but not even Kaoru had remembered that the anniversary of Rai's wife's death was approaching. At least Hikaru's head was clear enough.

With a weak whisper, Kaoru asked: "And h-how did you kn-know th-that I w-w-".

"Was in danger? Rest your voice Kaoru. That p - Jiro sure did a number on you", Hikaru said angrily and clenched his fist, the one not around Kaoru's hand. Hikaru refrained from calling Jiro a piece of shit, Kaoru assumed. "Anyway, when I thought about our conversation I recognized the way you talked. You went from talking like yourself to talking like you read lines the theatre director just handed to you, and I suddenly remembered the old days when he used that power on others".

Kaoru was very lucky that Hikaru was smarter than everyone thought. Still, Kaoru couldn't help but think that Jiro might have been alive if the soldiers Hikaru sent hadn't interfered. Kaoru did successfully take out one of Jiro's eyes so maybe the fight was over after that? No, Jiro was still fully capable of using his powers even with such a severe injury. The blond boy managed to use his powers to kill two soldiers before he was killed himself. But Jiro was calmer before they were interrupted. The soldiers did scare him because he was one of the Boys who thought that they actually got killed if the military didn't want to use them anymore. However, these were just speculations and Kaoru could realize that. Who knew if Jiro actually would have snapped out of it before and not after killing Kaoru? Maybe the boy would never have regretted the murder either, maybe Jiro was already lost?

"You're thinking too much", Hikaru said and brushed some hairs from Kaoru's face. "But I guess that's what to be expected. I can't believe what happened either… I… I just thought I was just paranoid about him for no reason". Considering that Hikaru was paranoid about everyone, Kaoru would still consider it 'for no reason'. "And I'm really sorry for what happened to you… I'm just so glad that you're alive and that you'll be okay".

Would he be okay? Of course, his injuries would heal but his friend almost killed him and then died instead. In front of him.

"H-Hika… tell K-kyoya that I won't be able to… for a while", Kaoru said and his throat hurt so much.

"Stop talking, I can hear your vocal cords snapping", Hikaru said sternly. "You want me to tell Kyoya that you two won't be able to play for a while?" Kaoru gave him a small nod, the neck brace restricting his head movements. "Will you stay quiet if I promise to do it?" Another small nod from Kaoru. "Okay, I'll talk to the pervert for you. I just hope that he won't think that I'm you".

Kaoru had an image in his head of Kyoya trying to sleep with Hikaru who was screaming at him to get away. He chuckled at the mental image but immediately regretted doing so when the feeling of razor blades dragging over the insides of his throat erupted. It wasn't easy to feel jealous of the made up scenario because he knew that Kyoya and his brother would never happen, even if it was allowed. They couldn't even be in the same room together for very long.

"I want to ask you things like how you are doing", Hikaru said softly. "But, again, I don't want you to use your voice and I think I know the answer".

Kaoru did feel like shit because of what happened, but he actually wanted to ask Hikaru how he was feeling. Hikaru and Jiro might have grown apart because of their own problems, but they had known each other for as long as Jiro and Kaoru had. Yes, Hikaru might have been furious with Jiro at the moment because Jiro did attempt to kill Kaoru after all. But Hikaru would definitely feel bad for his fallen friend when the anger had died down and Kaoru would make sure that he was there for him when that happened. For now, Kaoru wouldn't mention Jiro to Hikaru at all.

"You don't have to stay here for long", Hikaru said. "But you have to take it easy for a couple of days. At least that's what the doctor said".

For a second Kaoru thought that he was talking about Kyoya, but Kyoya didn't work in the hospital area. The Boys' doctors only worked when their patients needed checkups or give blood or something like that. So despite their education and long experience within the medical field, their workload was very limited. Kaoru assumed that limitation could change after the secrets were announced. Because the secrets were the main reason for doctors like Kyoya not being able to do more work.

Some might wonder why Kyoya and his colleges were there in the first place if other doctors could do their job. The reason was that there weren't many doctors there to begin with and only as few as possible knew the secrets, so hiring more doctors doing smaller jobs seemed like the best option. As long as they were kept in the dark of course.

Speaking of Kyoya, he would probably have a lower opinion about zeros now when one of them tried to murder someone in the same building as him. It didn't help that Kyoya did care about Kaoru as well. Personally, Kaoru didn't think that was fair considering that Jiro was out of his mind. Doctors and other soldiers had gone crazy there too and had become violent even without some sort of serum. The only difference between them and Jiro was that Jiro had powers that made his freak outs more intense.

People probably felt relieved that there was one less zero there. There used to be a few more zeros among the Boys, but they had either been moved to another area or died. Apparently, the suicide rate among zeros was very high.

Kaoru yawned; even if his mind was energized by distress, his body was exhausted.

"I probably need to leave soon, but I can stay until you fall asleep", Hikaru said and Kaoru smiled at him before closing his eyes.

It didn't take long for him to fall into the much kinder unconsciousness. Hikaru stroked Kaoru's hair until he was sure that he was sleeping before letting go of his brother's hand. He had mixed emotions about the situation. Of course, he was furious at the person who tried to kill his brother and furious that his brother was wounded. He of course also felt extremely relieved that Kaoru was well, and would have a full recovery, but at the same time scared that he almost lost him. A teeny tiny part of him felt sad about Jiro's fate but he completely refused to think about that. No, Jiro was a murderer who tried to take his twin's life. Jiro didn't deserve his sympathy and grief.

Hikaru looked at the clock and saw that he still had some time before he was expected to go to the late training session, so he decided that he might as well tell Kyoya his brother would be out of commission for a while now. Getting it out of the way.

Hikaru put his hands in his pockets and left the room. He couldn't start a fight with Kyoya, obviously. That would just hurt Kaoru more and Kaoru really didn't need that right now. His brother was literally recovering from attempted murder. Hikaru had to stay civil, at least this time. He still didn't trust the guy but even he had enough common sense to realize that now wasn't the time.

He started to walk down the stairs and through the corridor to the doctors' dorm. He wasn't actually sure which room was Kyoya's but he could probably figure it out when he got there. Hopefully, Kyoya was actually in his room so he hadn't come there in vain.

Hikaru arrived in a small hallway with several doors, noticing that the rooms had last names on them as well as room numbers.

He didn't have to walk for long before he found the door with the name "K. Ootori" on it. Kyoya was one of two Japanese doctors there so him sharing a surname with someone else was highly unlikely.

Hikaru knocked and internally rejoiced at the realization that he wasn't wasting his time when he heard Kyoya unlock the door from the other side. The door opened and Kyoya looked Hikaru up and down before looking at him in distrust.

"What are you doing here, Hikaru? Don't you have somewhere else to be?" Kyoya asked, coldly.

Hikaru was tempted to try to pretend that he was Kaoru at that moment. This fucker didn't deserve his brother. Kaoru should be the one to break off their arrangement, not him. But impersonating Kaoru wouldn't work if Kyoya could tell them apart. A little part of him also realized how fucked up that idea was to begin with.

"How long did it take for you to realize it was me?" Hikaru teased and leaned against the doorframe.

"Not long. I just had to take a better look at you", Kyoya responded and crossed his arms. "Now, why are you here? You're not going to childishly tell me to stay away from your brother, I hope. You don't talk for him".

Hikaru really wanted to hit him but held back.

"No, but I do actually have a message from him".

"Are you sure it's actually from him?" Apparently, Kyoya had expected Hikaru to go through a similar plan to the one Hikaru had previously considered… how dared he?

"I'm trying to do him a favor, asshole", Hikaru said and rolled his eyes even if he didn't have the right to be angry at someone suspecting him of being dishonest. "I'm just here to say that he won't come over tonight, or for the rest of the week probably".

"Oh really?" Kyoya asked skeptically. "And why couldn't he tell me himself? … is he angry at me?" Hikaru swore that Kyoya actually sounded worried at the end of the sentence.

Hikaru again wanted to lie to him, but he didn't want to hurt Kaoru further so he decided not to: "No, he wants to come back. He's just a little… preoccupied at the moment".

"Did something happen to him?" Kyoya asked with a frown.

Fuck, Hikaru forgot to ask Kaoru how much he actually wanted Kyoya to know. Kyoya would probably find out the truth eventually, but Hikaru wasn't sure if he should be the one to tell him. He also couldn't deny that it was rather satisfying to keep something over Kyoya's head.

"You have to ask him when you see each other", Hikaru responded. "And don't give me that look, I'm not keeping this from you to be spiteful".

"You haven't exactly given me any reasons to believe you, Hikaru", Kyoya said sternly. "You have tried to lie before to keep me away from him".

"So don't trust me then, I don't care". Hikaru shrugged. "I did what I came to do. I'm out of here".

Kyoya almost stopped Hikaru when the younger male walked away but prevented himself from doing so. He didn't want to start a huge fight with him and besides, Hikaru wouldn't have been so calm if Kaoru was actually in danger. So there was no need to expect the worst. He could wait for an answer. Still, what happened to Kaoru?

Kyoya closed the door, locked it and walked farther into his apartment. Kaoru was most likely busy preparing for a mission or training, but what if he wasn't actually busy and just couldn't come up with an excuse as to why he couldn't come? Or maybe he had managed to hurt himself again? The logical part of his brain reminded him that Hikaru would have been freaking out more if that was true.

"Maybe Hikaru had already freaked out and was calmer now?" No, stop that.

Maybe Kaoru just had an infection in one of his self-inflicted wounds and didn't want to bring it up with Kyoya because of their previous conversations? Kaoru might have been tired of Kyoya bringing up his scars all the time. Especially when there was a chance that Kyoya's guess was correct.

The doctor, who had previously brought to his attention that Kaoru gave more blood than the other Boys, said that Kyoya's theory made sense. That the reason why Kaoru had to give more blood was that he had a bad reaction to the serum and the higher ups wanted to know why. The Boys had been using a zero's powers to work for the military, why wouldn't one of them start to take on sacrificial zero behaviors? Kyoya hoped that they would eventually find out why Kaoru did that so he could stop hurting himself.

Kyoya sat down at his desk in front of his computer. He tried to continue what he was doing before Hikaru came and interrupted him, but it was difficult. What exactly would take a week for Kaoru to do? Why would he have to stay away for a whole week? His mind couldn't stop wandering to the worst case scenarios but, yet again, the logical part of his brain had to pull him away from those stupid thoughts.

* * *

Okay, the logical part of his brain wasn't so logical after all. In fact, it was quite stupid and the emotional part of his brain was correct.

Kyoya was reminded by a previous conversation he and Kaoru had about people like Kaoru not having a private life. Kyoya didn't know if Kaoru wanted what happened to him to leak or not, but it did and spread like a wildfire just the day after Hikaru had visited him.

Everyone knew that there were zeros in the military, but Kyoya didn't think they actually had zeros among normal people. Which had clearly been a stupid idea because one of them went rogue and attacked Kaoru. Kyoya wanted to complain to his boss, but apparently he would have known about Jiro if he had actually tried to read the available files… he was never going to admit that to Kaoru though.

Right now Kyoya was sitting with his colleagues at their usual table in the dining hall. His eyes were casually wandering to Kaoru and the bruises around his neck. Hikaru didn't notice him staring this time because he was too busy fussing over Kaoru.

It felt unreal that the perpetrator had been sitting next to Kaoru all this time (not that Kyoya stared at Kaoru often). The seat next to Kaoru was now empty. Everyone knew about Jiro's fate and most either didn't care or thought that putting him down was the right choice. However, Kyoya could tell by the fact that Kaoru glanced sadly at the empty seat or spaced out that the redhead wasn't one of them.

Those two have known each other for a long time after all. Even if Kyoya wasn't very fond of the boy who tried to kill Kaoru, he still would be careful with how he talked about him around the hurt party. Even if Jiro was a zero. Kaoru wouldn't appreciate hearing bad things about that boy right now…. Even if he did try to kill him. That was still a hard concept to grasp; That Kaoru almost died. A part of him wanted to think that Jiro didn't have much of a chance at killing Kaoru anyway, but that didn't make sense. Kaoru against someone who could possess other people? Kaoru was the one who didn't have a chance.

"Can't look away from the twin?" One of Kyoya's colleges, Shinohara, asked him. "I suppose him getting attacked is the most exciting thing that has happened. At least in a while. But he is your patient, so him being injured might not be as exciting for you".

Kyoya turned to look at Shinohara. "He is my patient but I was still not told about him being attacked. I should have been there to help him", Kyoya said, honestly. He did feel very useless in this situation.

"That's not your job, Ootori", Rosengard chimed in. "Your job is to just do checkups and take his blood".

Rosengard was one of the doctors Kyoya usually talked to. Perhaps because he reminded him of his closest friend back home. He was the one who said that Kyoya's theory was probably correct.

"We're pretty limited. If you wanted to show your skills rather than getting money, you should have worked at a normal hospital", Shinohara said with a shrug. "You should be glad that you don't have to do more for your patient. Jackson wouldn't have had a good time taking care of Baisotei Botan's break down".

"Who?" Kyoya asked, confused.

"That's Jiro's real name. Sorry, I thought you knew that", Shinohara explained.

The name Baisotei did sound familiar to Kyoya, so perhaps he had heard of it before.

Rosengard chuckled. "We say the first names before the last names here".

"Poor you who have to be around weird Japanese people", Shinohara said sarcastically and rolled his eyes.

"Don't use the race card", Rosengard chastised, forgetting that 'Japanese' wasn't a race. "Besides, Kyoya doesn't read any file that he doesn't have to. He probably doesn't even know about the other zero in the Boys. The one who can teleport".

Kyoya turned in his direction so quickly that his neck hurt.

"There is another one?"

"See, what did I tell you", Rosengard told Shinohara with a smirk. "Yes, the last one we have in that department. They put zeros they can't use all the time among the expendables. There used to be more zeros in the Boys… actually most of them were because the Boys were originally used for their own powers. But that didn't work so well".

"Having someone who can control others and someone who can teleport doesn't sound like 'expendables' to me", Kyoya murmured and started to look around suspiciously at the Boys' table like he could figure out who the other zero was. "Why aren't the military using them for their powers? … or did they and I just didn't know because I don't read the files?".

"Not every zero works like the one with the memory dive powers. Most zeros can't actually share their powers with others, unfortunately", Shinohara explained. "And they couldn't be used as spies either. There are ways to see if someone is possessed by a zero so Botan wouldn't have been able to use his powers without giving himself away. And apparently using teleportation craves a bigger sacrifice than the usual zero power does, hence why that zero can't be used that often. Quite a useless power to have in that case".

"You both seem awfully calm, being around zeros", Kyoya commented.

"They are usually pretty harmless", Shinohara said. "Most of them are orphans, so they are just desperate to find a place where they belong. They usually go bad because they trusted the wrong people to take care of them or because they feel alone".

"Sounds a lot like children", Kyoya noted quietly.

"Well, how old do you think Botan Baisotei was?" Shinohara asked.

Rosengard shook his head. "Zeros doesn't work exactly like normal kids. They have a psychological need to hurt others. Hence why they are orphans in the first place".

"That's a normal misconception", Jackson chimed in; he decided to finally join the conversation. "They have a psychological need to use their powers, not necessarily use their powers to hurt other people. The reason why they're orphans is that no one wants something like that as a child. And if they're orphans because they murdered their parents, it's because they either weren't able to control their powers or because they perceived their parents as dangerous".

"But in a study conducted by professor George Montgomery-".

"That study conducted over ten years ago with only two or three zeros?" Jackson cut Rosengard off. "That study isn't recognized in the scientific community in recent years because it was too biased and not well executed. The zeros in the study were murderers but it wasn't said who they killed or when. It turned out that they didn't actually kill their parents and that they were abused before their first kills. Many other studies have debunked the 'killer at birth' theory many times since then. Look, I don't like most zeros either, but at least hate them for the right reason".

"What is the right reason?" Shinohara asked and cleared his throat.

Rosengard was silent; he probably didn't have a rebuttal.

"Fear mostly". Jackson shrugged. "I mean, some of them could kill really easily. Just see what my patient almost did".

Kyoya decided to ask something he had been thinking about for the last few minutes: "What do you think about all this? You were his personal doctor after all".

"I didn't know him that well", Jackson said as nonchalantly as possible, but Kyoya didn't buy that attitude. "But he was nice before he flipped out. I won't deny that".

* * *

Kaoru was glad that people started to reduce their amount of staring at his throat. He knew it would die down pretty quickly, quicker than they did with his scars. If only the actual bruising could disappear just as fast as other people's interest in them. Unfortunately, that wouldn't be the case. At least his voice was back so he could be thankful for that.

Kaoru stood in front of his bathroom mirror and traced his fingers over the discolored skin. Even if he wasn't thankful for the gift Jiro had left him with, he was still mourning.

Kaoru sighed and unlocked the door to leave the room but his eyes caught a glimpse of his neck in the mirror again. It hit him once more, that he almost died. That's usually where his train of thoughts went eventually.

He hadn't thought much about the future nor the end of his life much before. Only that he should be as useful as possible so he didn't have to think about it. Would he be an old man with scars all over his face with a broken mind that had finally caught up to him? Would he be put down like Jiro? Would he do like the zeros before him and eventually commit suicide? The last one sounded very possible if Hikaru lost his mind and had to be put down as well… was there really nothing else than his brother that he lived for? It would make sense, what else was there to his life?

The bathroom door opened. "You have to stop looking at that", Hikaru said and gently took the hand Kaoru had on his neck. "It only makes you sadder. You're more fixated on the bruises than you are on your scars".

Hikaru slowly pulled Kaoru by the hand out of the bathroom and sat him down on a chair. He then let go of Kaoru's hand and laid down on his own bed.

"It's not the same thing", Kaoru said with a sigh. "The scars are something I just have to live with and they're not dangerous. What happened to me the other night on the other hand… ".

"You're also still feeling sorry for B-".

"Oh Kami, Hikaru. At least use the correct name when you talk about him!" Kaoru exclaimed angrily and Hikaru raised his hands in surrender.

"Okay, okay, you still feel sorry for Jiro and I don't understand why".

It always sounded way too forced when Hikaru tried to use Jiro's birth name. Kaoru didn't want to disrespect Jiro like that and he wouldn't let Hikaru do it as well even if he was angry. Besides, Hikaru would regret the disrespect later when he would finally allow himself to grieve.

"You know why I feel for him, Hikaru. He wasn't thinking straight. The memory diving was making him mad. He could have gotten better". Kaoru crossed his arms. "You know that he's not a bad person".

"Really? He sure acted like one!"

"You're just being emotional! Don't act like memory diving doesn't affect you too".

"It fucking doesn't!"

They glared at each other for a few seconds. Hikaru turned around in his bed so his back was facing Kaoru. Kaoru wanted to call out his childish behavior, but he really wasn't in the mood to fight. Instead, he walked over to his own bed and lied down; facing the wall like Hikaru did. He hoped that sleep would overcome him soon because he didn't want to toss and turn all night. Luckily, if there was a God, he decided to cut Kaoru some slack and Kaoru fell asleep almost immediately.

...

Kaoru stood on top of a small hill. The ground underneath his feet looked like it was covered in grass but it still felt like he was walking on a flat hard surface. The sky was yellow, the sun shined bright and the birds flew with the wind. However, he couldn't feel any of that. He was not warm because of the sun, nor was he chilly from the wind. It felt like he was standing in a lukewarm room. The only sensation he felt was the sensation of some pressure around his neck like he was wearing a collar or something. He didn't think much about it.

"Hi, Kaoru". Kaoru's head snapped in the direction of the voice and saw Jiro. "Well… this is awkward… I'm dead now", Jiro said, like he just told Kaoru that he saw someone pee their pants.

"It's also awkward because you tried to kill me too".

"Yeah, that's true", Jiro said. They smiled at each other and Jiro put his hand on Kaoru's shoulder. "This conversation is surprisingly civil".

"Maybe that's what death does to a guy; makes him sane again", Kaoru joked and Jiro laughed.

"I guess. Makes sense why the zeros before me committed suicide, right?"

"I guess it does", Kaoru answered and put his own hand on Jiro's shoulder. "Must be more pleasant with a quick death though".

"You mean being shot in the head is better than bashing it against the wall?" Jiro asked. "Because I would have to agree… obviously I have only been shot in the head so I have no other deaths to compare mine to".

"Which is probably a good thing. Dying once is enough", Kaoru said and the boys let go of each other. "We haven't talked to each other like this for a long time".

"What do you mean? I don't think we have had this kind of morbid conversation before".

"You know what I mean", Kaoru said quietly and looked down at the ground with a sad expression.

"Don't turn sad on me now. Not when I can finally hold a conversation without being angry or crazy", Jiro joked.

"Debatable", Kaoru teased without looking at him.

"I still meant it when I said that I didn't want you to be sad", Jiro said softly and grabbed Kaoru's shoulders.

"Even if you tried to kill me?" Kaoru asked with a bittersweet laugh.

"Even if I tried to kill you", Jiro reassured quietly.

Both were silent after that. Kaoru didn't know what to think. The logical part of him told him that Jiro only wanted him dead because he needed someone to blame and Kaoru seemed like the best option. It made sense that Jiro wasn't actually mad at him.

"Are you sure about that?" A strange voice from behind him asked, echoing like he was in a big empty room.

"Kaoru", Jiro said, snapping him out of his thoughts. "What's the difference between a dead zero and a normal dead person?"

"I feel like I give you a different answer every time you ask me that", Kaoru murmured.

"It would be quite boring if you answered exactly the same every single time. So what's your answer this time?"

"The difference is that there is a chance that someone will actually mourn the death of a normal person".

"Ouch", Jiro said jokingly. "Wouldn't even another zero mourn a zero's death?"

"Doesn't make the dead zero's life less worthless. No offense, of course, I still mourn you… are you mad at me because of that answer?"

"Eh, more so disappointed", Jiro answered with a shrug. "Feels like we're going in the wrong direction. Would have wanted a more satisfactory answer for the last time I ask the question".

"I'm sorry to disappoint, but technically the last time you asked was years ago. I probably gave a better answer back then that you took to the grave".

"Not much better. But I guess you're right about that being the official last time I asked… if that's how you want to think about it".

"Maybe I could have given you a better answer in the future if you stayed alive long enough".

"Maybe, yeah. I do have an alternative answer to you now though", Jiro said and frowned because Kaoru still looked at the grass instead of him.

"What is it?" Kaoru asked.

"It's…". Jiro became silent and it felt like everything was shifting. The light green grass was now dark and dead and the sun turned to a red moon that stained the sky scarlet. "It's that wherever some die a zero or normal… their life is still less useless than yours, Kaoru".

The hands on Kaoru's shoulders wrapped themselves around Kaoru's neck instead. Kaoru panicked and started to try to pry away the fingers but his limbs were too weak. He finally looked up at Jiro's face, but it wasn't Jiro anymore. It was Kyoya.

"Just wait", Kyoya said. "Soon I won't care for you anymore either… and it's not because I'm insane, you…"...

...

Kaoru woke up; cold and sweaty. He was hyperventilating and his heart was beating fast. It was still too early to be awake, but Kaoru was not planning on falling asleep again anytime soon.

He looked around the room until his eyes landed on Hikaru. Kaoru was suddenly filled with fury instead of fear. He leaped out of his bed and into his brother's. Hikaru startled awake and raised his hand to protect himself from the weak punches Kaoru was directing in his way. Kaoru didn't use a lot of force, partly because he was too exhausted and partly because he deep down didn't want to hurt his brother (too badly). However, the punches still hurt.

"Wha-what the fuck are you doing!?" Hikaru exclaimed. He wanted to push Kaoru, but he wasn't fully awake yet and was still slow.

"You didn't fucking leave me alone!"

"What are you talking about!?"

"You know what I mean! You know exactly what I'm talking about!"

"I don't! You're acting fucking crazy!"

"If you didn't do anything then show me!" Kaoru demanded.

"I don't-".

"I SAID SHOW ME!"

Hikaru finally managed to push Kaoru off of him so the younger twin hit the ground.

"Are you alright?" Hikaru asked when Kaoru didn't do anything that indicated that he was going to stand up. "I didn't push too hard, did I?"

"You know what? Fuck it". Kaoru flew up from the ground and stormed out of the room with Hikaru calling after him.

Kaoru didn't care right now, he didn't care if he freaked out and attacked his brother, nor did he care about the mistakes he unavoidably would do next. He wasn't even sure where he was going. Going to Kyoya was tempting but he really didn't want to bother the other man. Also, he should probably see him less often so the rejection wouldn't be as painful. But God, he was already hurting now.

Kaoru stopped his mindless wandering when he heard someone singing quietly. It was dark in the hallway but a quick look around told him that he was outside of Rai's office. Apparently, Kaoru was so pathetic that this was the best option after Hikaru and Kyoya. The office door was slightly open and Kaoru discovered pretty quickly that it was there the singing came from.

"Sir?" Kaoru called, confused with not an inch of anger left in his body. "Have you been dri - isn't it late?"

Kaoru had to be extra careful now when the general was drunk. The chance of seriously pissing him off had increased greatly.

"K-Kaoru?" The general called.

"Yes, sir, it's me", Kaoru answered back.

"C-come here here". It sounded more like a plea rather than an order.

"Are you alright, sir?" Kaoru asked and stepped into the room.

He closed the door behind him and turned on the lights. A red faced Rai, who was sitting behind his desk with a huge bottle in front of him, blinked a couple of times to adjust to the sudden brightness. The man looked broken. Despite that, Kaoru couldn't see any signs of crying on his face, but maybe he was just good at hiding it.

Kaoru had been around him when he was drunk before, but it was mostly at work parties (if you could even call them that, it was mostly large meetings with healthy snacks and "adult juice"). It was not a pleasant experience. Rai usually kept to himself around the time of the anniversary of his wife's death. Kaoru should probably not have been there for his own sake, but maybe he could help? He did owe that to him after all.

"I don't want to be alone", Rai said. Unlike other drunk people, he could still talk almost like he wasn't drunk at all. Sometimes it was difficult to see if he had drunk too much or not.

"You're not alone, I'm here", Kaoru said softly and walked over to the desk.

He made sure to not get too close or sit down. It was even more important now to not do anything to provoke the older male.

"You know what true love is, Kaoru?"

"No, sir".

"That's right, little boy. You don't know how it feels to have anyone besides your brother loving you". Rai didn't sound like he was trying to be mean, more like he stated a simple fact. Still, it did hurt at least a little. It wouldn't usually have bothered him that much, but the circumstances were different.

"I don't, sir, no", Kaoru answered.

"I don't think you will ever understand", Rai said with a hiccup. "But it's the best thing that could happen to you, in a period of time, and the worst thing that could happen to you after that period of time is over. I know that I'm not exactly young, but she wasn't old enough to die yet".

"She wasn't, no". It was difficult for Kaoru to know when he was supposed to speak and what he was supposed to say. Saying nothing at all was not an option, he had to show that he was truly listening.

"She didn't do anything dangerous either, unlike people in your situation. She just existed and she became ill. She did nothing".

"Death is very unfair, sir, I agree". Kaoru tried to sound as caring and calm as he could but internally he was freaking out. The way Rai talked suggested that he could get into a murderous rage like Jiro had previously. He could only hope for the best.

"All of you should have died before her".

"... Yes, sir". It felt like Kaoru was almost encouraging Rai to kill him now, but disagreeing with the older male would definitely make it worse.

General Rai looked at Kaoru for a few seconds before smiling softly and beckoning him to walk closer. Without hesitation, Kaoru complied and tensed up when Rai wrapped his arms around his middle.

"I haven't hugged anyone in a while", the drunk man whispered and buried his face in Kaoru's stomach.

This wasn't at all what Kaoru had expected. Even if the situation made him very uncomfortable, it was way better than what Kaoru had feared so he had no relevant complaints. Instead, he put his arms loosely around Rai's shoulder in an awkward hug. He wasn't exactly sure about how long they would stay like this. Hopefully not too long. The high temperature in his body caused by the stress from his uneasy sleep was gone and the wind hitting the now cold sweat on his exposed legs and arms made him chilly. Not the most appropriate outfit for the occasion, but he did just wake up and Rai hadn't mentioned his clothes yet.

"This is a little weird", Rai said.

"Because you usually don't hug men or because you're hugging me?"

He decided to try to lighten up the conversation when it seems like they were in the clear for now.

"Both I guess… mostly the first option so don't be discouraged by your first try at comforting someone who is not lacking as much testosterone as you are". He was talking about Hikaru.

"I can assure you that I have testosterone. Do you see tits on me?"

"No, but I see barely hairy legs, little one", Rai teased and put a hand on the naked part of Kaoru's thigh to emphasize what he meant.

"I have blonde body hair. My head hair used to be that color too when I was born".

"-And you're Asian. That doesn't help to make you more masculine", Rai commented with a chuckle and Kaoru didn't feel brave enough right now to call him out for that comment… not that he would have been brave enough to call him out otherwise.

Kaoru had to constantly remind himself that Rai was intoxicated. It was odd that Rai didn't act the way drunk people normally act with the slurred speech and all, but boy did he become more emotional. At least awkward hugs weren't the worst thing that could happen.

Rai's hand was still on his leg. Kaoru assumed that Rai was just too exhausted to move at all at this point but a cold shiver ran down his spine when the general started to massage the spot instead.

"What are you doing, sir?" Kaoru asked and hoped that he was just overreacting due to his own tiredness.

"Nothing bad", Rai murmured sleepily. The arm that was still wrapped around Kaoru's middle started to play with the hem of his shirt.

"I'm still a boy, sir", Kaoru reminded him, trying to stay calm but at the same time mentally preparing himself to push Rai away and get to the help button under Rai's desk.

The original purpose of the help button was to alarm the guards if Rai ever was ever attacked… but in the last few years, it had also become a way to alarm the guards if Rai was the one attacking as well. Rai being the attacker was a given during the anniversary of his wife's death. Who he was attacking every year was a mystery to Kaoru. He wasn't sure exactly who Rai was attacking who wasn't part of the boys. Maybe someone else below him in rank but Kaoru highly doubted he would ever attack any doctors.

"Not when the light is off", Rai answered. "I can pretend that you're someone else. I will pretend that you're someone else".

Taking advantage of the fact that Rai wasn't using his full strength yet to hold him still, Kaoru put his hands on Rai's chest gently, to not raise alarm, before pushing him harshly from his chair down to the ground. The force behind the action was necessary because the way Rai talked didn't indicate that Kaoru had any choice on the matter. Running away would be futile if Rai got up in time and clicked the button on his desk that locked the door. Sending for the guards seemed like a better idea.

Rai recovered quickly from the initial shock and flew up from the ground with rage written all over his face. It was far too risky to get to the help button right now because it was too close to the general; Kaoru had to lure him away. Rai took steps closer to Kaoru as Kaoru quickly backed away from his oncoming attacks.

"I'm sorry… that was stupid of me", Kaoru apologized slowly with his heart beating frantically in his chest. "I am not completely awake yet so my brain doesn't work as decently as usual. I'm sorry, please!" His excuses and pleas fell upon deaf ears. Instead, Rai clicked the door locking button on his desk and continued to slowly follow Kaoru.

Kaoru stopped moving when his back was one meter away from the door and launched himself to the side as Rai was about to push him into the hard surface. Kaoru fell to the floor, jumped back up again, ran as fast as he could to the desk and jumped over it. The bottle was knocked down and shattered into pieces, the liquid started to soak the carpet. He landed on the office chair and fell off it when the chair rolled backward. Kaoru's left shoulder and elbow hit the ground harder than the rest of him and the impact sent an electric shock throughout the rest of the arm. Luckily, nothing felt broken.

Kaoru quickly sat up and clicked the big red button on the control panel. He dared to crawl to the side so he could peak at Rai from the end of the desk to see why he wasn't currently on him. The older male was faster and stronger in every way so Kaoru shouldn't just be injured by his own fall at this point. Whatever slight ounce of hope he might have had disappeared when he saw Rai push down one of the big bookcases in front of the door. The books fell to the floor and Rai was far too angry to care about it. The general must have thought that Kaoru was going after the unlock button, which was a testament to how drunk he actually was. Normally, he would have understood that he would have gone for the red button like everyone else had in similar situations. However, this was still really, really bad. It would be much harder for Kaoru to get out and much harder for the guards to get in.

Rai turned around to look at Kaoru and Kaoru quickly retracted and looked at the button again. He rejoiced when he saw that the little light inside of it was on; that meant that help was on the way.

Kaoru heard a loud 'bang', which made him jump in surprise and look up. Rai had slammed down his hands on the surface of the wooden desk to either scare Kaoru or get his attention. In return, Kaoru picked up the metal trash can, stood up and threw it at Rai's face to distract him while he ran past him. Unfortunately, Rai managed to block it with his hands and grabbed Kaoru's arm harshly before he could get far. Kaoru tried to pry his fingers off him but it was no use. He could only try to embrace himself for impact. Rai tied the fist that wasn't holding onto Kaoru and hit him right in the stomach to reduce his ability to fight back for at least a few seconds. It felt like Kaoru was about to throw up and he didn't have much time to fight to get his breath back before Rai threw him on the desk and started to throw punches at his face.

Every hit inflicted more and more pain. Every time Rai's fist touched his face, a severe sting flared up before the area turned really warm like his face was burning. Kaoru continued to beg him to stop and used his free arm to protect himself, but Rai just ignored his words and took both of his smaller hands into one of his much bigger ones before continuing the assault.

The tears and his own swelling flesh made it harder to see and he fought to not choke on his own nosebleed and mouth blood. He was no longer able to beg and soon he wouldn't be able to struggle either.

A loud banging on the office door, and someone calling for the general with a stern voice, temporarily distracted Rai. Kaoru saw his chance to get away in that short second and decided to act instantly. He couldn't use all of his force in the position he was in, but he mustered up as much of his strength as he could to knee Rai in the groan with his left leg. Rai groaned and let go of Kaoru's sore wrists so he could cover his hurt private parts. Kaoru took advantage of that moment as well and used his right leg to kick him in the chest so he fell backward and hit his head on the ground.

"Help!" Kaoru yelled and coughed when some of his blood went down his throat. "Please help me! Quick!"

He was continuously, and against his will, swallowing his own blood, which made his throat sore and raw. There wasn't anything hurting inside of his mouth so he concluded that the blood only came from his nose, but a lot of it went back down his throat instead of out of his nostrils. Disgusting but at least he hadn't lost any teeth. He had never been so thankful for intoxication.

Not having Rai immediately pound on him again made him worried so he looked in Rai's direction and was relieved to see that he wasn't unconscious. Rai wasn't unharmed of course because his head was bleeding, but he was sitting up wide awake with his hand on his forehead; Kaoru hadn't accidentally killed him. It wasn't clear if Rai planned to attack again or if he had enough… the look in his eyes definitely said that he didn't have enough, but his body was hurt. Maybe a little head injury wouldn't really be enough to stop him though.

Kaoru wanted to spit out the blood on the floor instead of constantly swallowing it, but he couldn't risk making the situation worse if there was a chance that the situation would escalate.

Slowly and meticulously, Rai stood up and swayed slightly like he was light headed. Kaoru flinched when Rai took a step closer to him. Rai took another slow and careful step closer to Kaoru and Kaoru ran towards the desk and grabbed the first object he could come across, a pair of scissors.

"Are you going to c-cut my hair?" Rai teased, his speech finally starting to slur, due to the blow to the head rather than the alcohol. "Or s-stab me in the eye t-too? Getting a nasty habit of doing that".

Kaoru lowered the scissors a little, subconsciously.

"I'm sorry, sir", Kaoru whispered. "I don't want you to do anything you'll regret".

"L-last time you s-s… defend yourself", Rai forced out and hit himself in the head to make himself speak more clearly. "Someone d-died".

"That wasn't my intention, sir". Kaoru let go of the scissors so they fell to the carpeted floor before pushing them under the desk with his foot. He was trying to sound as calm and unbothered as possible even if the mention of his late friend made him want to cry. "I'm not going to try to kill you, either intentionally or on accident. Just taking pre-". Kaoru swallowed down a big chunk of curdled blood; again, disgusting. "Precautions, sir".

Kaoru hadn't realized that even if Rai was drunk, he was still aware enough to use Kaoru's guilt over Jiro's death to disarm him. Rai, knowing that his balance was off, decided to be as fast as possible when he launched himself at the boy before he could lose his footing. Kaoru yelped as they fell and he groaned loudly in pain when he landed on the ground with the much larger man on top of him. He was lucky that the carpet was kind of soft because otherwise he would have really damaged his head.

Rai grabbed Kaoru's arms and pinned him to the ground. Kaoru desperately looked for an opening but found none so he decided to play dirty and spit blood in Rai's face. Luckily he hit Rai right in the eye so the older male couldn't just ignore it. Rai swore loudly in pain and disgust, let go of one of Kaoru's hands to wipe away the blood and Kaoru took that moment to punch Rai straight in the face. Kaoru then rolled to the side so Rai lost his balance and fell to the floor. Kaoru stood up and jumped over the desk again, more carefully this time, with Rai right after him. He spotted a door and ran right into the small bathroom and locked the door after him. He heard Rai bang on the door but it seemed sturdy enough to hold him back for at least a short amount of time. At least hopefully long enough for Kaoru to come up with a way to defend himself in case the drunk man managed to come into the bathroom before the guards could stop messing around.

There was another door at the end of the bathroom, leading to a small office bedroom for long work hours, but it was locked when Kaoru tried to open it. Which meant a smaller chance at getting away and a smaller amount of things to defend himself with.

Kaoru looked around frantically to find some sort of weapon: this time determined that he wouldn't chicken out thanks to guilt (he hoped). He opened the cabinet above the sink and found only pill bottles, toothpaste, a toothbrush and some floss. He didn't have much more luck when he looked through the cabinet under the sink and the one next to the shower where he found towels, shampoo, toilet paper and cleaning supplies. He didn't even find a first aid kit that was supposed to be in every bathroom, which instead probably was in the office. Not that he had the time to patch himself up yet, but it still would have been nice.

"Perfect if my intent was to kill myself by overdose and then clean up afterward", Kaoru murmured with an annoyed groan. "But not useful for anything else".

The loud banging on the door continued and Rai started to repeatedly call his name and order him to open the door. Kaoru thought that he even heard him threaten to make sure that he was out of the mission if he didn't open, but Kaoru knew better than to take his words for it. Instead, he continued to look around until his eyes fell on something standing next to the bathtub. His vision was still not the best because of the swelling around his eyes, but when he walked closer he could see that it was another bottle of alcohol. Apparently keeping them around in every room was a necessity for a grieving alcoholic.

Kaoru hurried to the bottle and picked it up. Now he had two choices in front of him; he could either wait behind the door and smash the bottle on Rai's head, and potentially cause him severe head damage, or he could smash parts of the bottle now and use the shards as knives. The first option sounded better just because Rai could get immediate help for his concussion and there was a chance that he would just get knocked out. With the second option he could very easily really hurt Rai, maybe accidentally stab him so he could bleed out and die. It didn't matter how scary Rai could be when he was angry, he didn't deserve to die and Kaoru knew he couldn't live with himself if he was the one to kill him either. Another friend wouldn't die because of him.

Luckily, it didn't seem like he had to plan an attack. A loud crash shook the entire bathroom. The banging on the bathroom door stopped. Kaoru heard the guards yell at Rai to calm down to no avail and fighting clearly ensued. The guards wouldn't kill Rai, maybe sedate him but not kill. The general was worth too much, so Kaoru didn't have to worry that history would repeat itself.

Deciding that he was in the clear, Kaoru breathed out a sigh of relief and spit a huge chunk of spit and blood on the door out of spite. Rai wouldn't know it was from him anyway and it was the only "revenge" he would ever be able to get. Even spitting on the door felt a little too much and he had to fight the urge to clean it up.

Now when Kaoru could finally rest his heart he could feel the damage done to him. Kaoru refused to look in the mirror but he felt a burning numbness all over his face and a sharp pain in his nose. He would clearly have two black eyes as well but at least his nose wasn't bleeding anymore. The disgusting taste of blood and the sore throat still remained, but that would go away with time.

Logically he did the right thing, he knew that. He knew his rights and he had every right to refuse to have sex with his superiors (or anyone for that matter). It was also something Rai himself didn't actually want to do and he would have been disgusted with himself when he sobered up again. So the rejection was the best choice for both of them. However, Kaoru still couldn't help but think that he made the situation so much worse than it could have been. He could have been smarter, acted less scared and emotional, and defused the situation in another way. Like instead of pushing Rai away from him he could have lied and said that he had a sexually transmitted disease of some kind? The general wouldn't have questioned the logic behind that since people assumed that Kaoru was sleeping around. Kaoru could have prevented both of them from getting hurt. He knew that Rai could get violent when angered, especially while drunk, and he still made him angry. You have to accommodate different people and Kaoru failed to do that.

Having the shit beaten out of him again and the emotional turmoil building up again made his eyes water.

"I need I… I just need to wash my mouth!" Kaoru exclaimed desperately and opened the alcohol bottle. "I just need to stop tasting blood, I'll be better! I just need to not look at myself then and I'll just stop thinking".

He knew his thoughts didn't make sense, of course he did. But it felt nice to pretend that making himself feel as normal as possible physically would make the situation better.

Kaoru brought the rim of the bottle to his lips and filled his mouth with the disgusting liquid. He swirled it around for a couple of seconds while his eyes watered from the burn before spitting it out in the sink. The wine red water flushed down the drain. His mouth felt weird but at least the alcoholic taste replaced the previous one in no time. Water would have done the trick too but he didn't think of that until now. Besides, it felt like the alcohol cleaned out his mouth better than water would have despite the not so pleasant aftertaste.

Things didn't get better even if he didn't taste blood anymore. He knew deep down that nothing would just change the situation, but he still felt a sense of hopelessness and disappointment anyway. Going back to his room to get comforted by Hikaru sounded tempting, but it wouldn't be a good idea in the long run. At least it wouldn't be a good idea to go to Hikaru right now.

You had to be careful with how you responded to certain things Hikaru did. For example, if you forgave him or asked for help too quickly after an argument, Hikaru would never learn anything. He would just assume that every fight from there on about the same subject was just Kaoru overreacting and that he was right and would still get his way. So for the sake of Hikaru's personal development (and sanity) Kaoru couldn't go to him yet. Going to the hospital was a logical option but he needed more emotional support right now. His ugly face would heal, nothing was probably broken either because Rai's aim was off thanks to the alcohol. He needed something that could help his emotional turmoil… and his emotional mind knew exactly what that was.

Kaoru put down the bottle on the floor and opened the cabinet above the sink again. Careful to not accidentally get a glimpse of himself in the mirror, he grabbed the toothpaste. He poured some on two of his fingers and started to rub his teeth with it.

Someone knocked on the door. "Is somebody in there? Are you alive?" A voice called, from one of the guards. He didn't sound that he cared much if Kaoru was well or not as long as Rai committed murder.

"I-". It was hard to speak with toothpaste in his mouth so he quickly rinsed his mouth out with some tap water. "I'm alive. Is he gone?"

"He is restrained. You can come out now, we need to check that you don't need any medical attention".

Kaoru walked over to the door and unlocked it. The guard opened it immediately after and his eyes widened when he realized who it was.

"Are you Kaoru?"

"Yes?"

"Dammit, are you alright?" The guard started to check Kaoru's face. "Nothing looks broken here, anywhere else?"

"No, it's only the face", Kaoru answered, bitterly. "Maybe one bruise on the stomach but-".

The guard immediately grabbed his shirt and pulled it upwards so he could examine. The action reminded Kaoru of what Rai tried to do earlier and it made him feel more queasy and desperate to get out of there.

"Nothing serious", the guard noted and let go of the shirt. "I hope you have learned your lesson. You shouldn't be here when he is like this".

"Yeah… I know". Kaoru looked down at the ground.

"Now get out". The guard gestured to him to leave. "Forget that this happened and go to bed… and stop getting yourself into these kinds of situations".

"Okay", Kaoru said, defeated, and left the bathroom.

He took a look around the office while he walked past the desk towards the exit. It was clear that there had been a fight and there was no doubt in his mind that it would look normal there again in no time like nothing had happened.

Two guards were restraining Rai outside in the hallway. Rai sneered at Kaoru when he walked past him with his head down.

"They only care because you're an asset!" Rai exclaimed. "They won't give a fuck what I do to you when they don't need you anymore! Disgusting little freak!"

Kaoru wouldn't have taken that to heart if he didn't care about the man. Hearing these things hurt. Not because he wasn't fully aware that he wouldn't be worth anything anymore in the future, but because of who it was who said it and the intention to hurt him.

He started to walk faster until he was running with Rai yelling after him.

When he was so far away that he couldn't hear Rai anymore, he stopped to catch his breath. He grabbed his own hair harshly while whispering to himself over and over again: "Don't cry, you'll be fine…. Don't cry, you'll be fine… don't cry, you'll be fine".

He let go of his hair and started to walk again. This time he wasn't just trying to get away from Rai. No, he had a direction in mind.

The red head stopped in front of a familiar door. He knocked while trying to swallow the lump in his throat. Kaoru didn't want to think about everything that had been stressing him out lately. He didn't want to think about what happened before, what happened today or what would happen in the future. Just for one moment, he wanted to just not think.

The door opened. The light in the room was still off, which was something Kaoru had hoped for and he immediately pounced on the older male before he could reach the light switch. Kaoru wrapped his arms around Kyoya's neck and pressed his lips roughly against his. Kyoya was shocked for a moment but quickly responded by returning the kiss just as hungrily, pulling the door behind Kaoru close and wrapping his arms around the tinier boy.

Kyoya shoved Kaoru into the door and placed one of his hands on Kaoru's cheek, but immediately retracted it like he had burned himself. He quickly untangled himself from the red head and turned on the lights. The hunger in his eyes turned into shock and horror.

"Kaoru-". He was cut off by Kaoru's lips on his once again.

Kaoru was annoyed that Kyoya didn't kiss him back so he lowered his lips to suck on Kyoya's jaw instead, it was high enough to not freak the older male out. Kyoya grabbed Kaoru's shoulders and yanked him away from him. Kaoru looked up at him with a bothered look only to be met by the disbelief in Kyoya's wide eyes.

"What are you doing? What happened to you?" Kyoya was trying to sound professional and composed but his worry and anger still seeped through the cracks. It comforted Kaoru to see that he cared since he had been treated so coldly.

"You know what I'm doing", Kaoru murmured. "I'm clearly not here to talk about what happened, am I?"

Kaoru tried to get closer again but Kyoya's grip on him was strong enough to hold him back.

"No- what… I'm not going to let you use me as a distraction, Kaoru".

Kyoya sounded a little disappointed and offended. He let go of Kaoru because he stopped trying to jump him. Kaoru couldn't hold back his tears anymore. This. Fucking…

"So what? You're allowed to use me but I d-don't get to return the f-favor?"

Kaoru was full on sobbing now. He felt angry at Kyoya's hypocrisy, yet guilty that he tried to do the same thing. He had no right to ask anything of Kyoya. Kaoru should have never come here. The need for comfort made him forget that.

It felt disgusting to cry in front of someone who wasn't Hikaru, especially because the person he cried in front of was Kyoya. He must have looked so weak and repugnant. Having a beat up ugly face didn't help either. The shame felt unbearable. Why couldn't Rai just have knocked him out cold so he could just have woken up in the infirmary instead of making things worse?

Kaoru turned away from Kyoya with his face down. He refused to look the older male in the eye.

"I'm sorry. I'll just go", Kaoru managed to choke out.

Before he could touch the door handle, he felt Kyoya grab his upper arm firmly but gently. They stayed like that for a few seconds before Kaoru started to try, rather half-assed, to tug his arm back. Kyoya didn't budge, he only pulled Kaoru closer to him and wrapped his other arm around him.

This was a hug, right? Why was Kyoya hugging him? Did he feel guilty? Did he feel pity? Did he just want him to stop crying? No, Kyoya wasn't heartless and if he really didn't want to hear Kaoru cry he would have just let him leave.

Kyoya removed the hand that held onto Kaoru's arm, bent down slightly and grabbed the back of Kaoru's leg before lifting him up bridal style. Kaoru yelped in surprise and held onto Kyoya for dear life.

"Wha-what are you doing!?" Kaoru exclaimed but received no answer.

Kyoya looked determined and Kaoru wasn't sure if that was a good sign or not.

Kyoya carried Kaoru into the bedroom and gently threw him on the bed. Kaoru quickly sat up.

"You don't have to do anything! I shouldn't have tried to-". Kaoru tried to get away again but Kyoya gently pushed him down again. "I'm serious! I… ".

Kyoya lied down on top of Kaoru and pushed his lips against his. The kiss was much sweeter than usual and Kyoya's hands didn't explore his body or tried to undress him while kissing for once either.

Normally, that would have made Kaoru melt on the inside but he was too anxious. Kyoya was probably forcing himself to be like this for, for… for some reason. Maybe he felt guilty or something? Kaoru wasn't sure but it felt wrong, it felt like he was in some unexplainable way using Kyoya. That might have been what he came for but he really didn't have the heart to actually go through with it.

Kyoya stopped kissing the unresponsive boy and crawled down Kaoru's body until he was facing Kaoru's stomach. He looked up at Kaoru who was just about to object again.

"Can I make you feel good?" Kyoya asked quietly, which silenced Kaoru before he could say anything. "Or do you not want me to?"

Kyoya sat up with his hands playing, absent-mindedly, with the zipper of Kaoru's shorts. It was not like Kaoru didn't want to go further. It's just that he wasn't sure what Kyoya's intentions were and how this would affect them. Kyoya was most likely aware that Kaoru didn't think that Kyoya actually wanted to do this. Maybe he intentionally asked if he could make him "feel good" rather than "feel better" just so Kaoru wouldn't freak out. Of course, Kaoru couldn't actually prove that train of thought ever happened. Perhaps Kaoru should try to just trust Kyoya that he wasn't a weak person who just gave in, unlike Kaoru?

Kaoru bit his lip and nodded at him before laying his head down on the bed again.

"Cute", Kyoya murmured under his breath before starting to unzip Kaoru's pants.

Kaoru's face heated up despite not really knowing what Kyoya was talking about. Perhaps he meant that the quiet submission was cute because Kaoru knew for sure that his face wasn't very cute at the moment. He wondered for a moment if he should cover his up face but decided that it would be a bigger mood killer than his appearance. Acting overly self-conscious couldn't be much of a turn on unless you just generally had issues.

Kyoya pulled down Kaoru's shorts, past his ankles, and threw them on the floor. He left Kaoru's body for a few seconds to retrieve the lube he kept in his drawer next to the bed. Then he placed another hard kiss on Kaoru's lips, and Kaoru kissed back this time, before returning to his previous position close to Kaoru's crouch.

This wasn't usually how they did things. This time around Kyoya was slower, more affectionate in a way. Kaoru didn't know how to feel about it. He didn't really think it was unpleasant, but because he couldn't read Kyoya's mind the affection felt kind of fake. Especially if they were just going to fuck as usual.

Just like the shorts, Kaoru's underwear was quickly discarded as well and he flinched when the cold air hit his lower parts. He wasn't really hard yet but that hadn't really stopped them before.

A hand wrapped around his member and Kaoru jolted in surprise at the out of the blue contact. Kaoru raised himself up in his forearms and looked down at the older male.

"Ehm… what are-".

"You're not worked up yet", Kyoya said with a small smirk while stroking his length up and down.

Kaoru bit back the small groans that tried to escape his lips. "Th-that haven't be-been important b-before", Kaoru breathed out with a quiet whine.

Kyoya stopped for a second and Kaoru thought that he saw a hint of guilt in his face before Kyoya looked down and continued to stroke him. Kaoru decided to keep quiet and lie back down again. He didn't want to make the situation awkward in any way.

Kyoya stopped moving his hand when Kaoru was half hard and the familiar sound of the cap of the lube bottle echoed silently. Kaoru spread his legs for the next step only to be surprised by something wet and warm around the tip of his member. He yelped in surprise and looked down again only to see the concentration on Kyoya's face as the man slowly took in as much of him into his mouth as he could. Kaoru whined and pressed his arm over his lips to not allow the sounds to escape.

This was something Kaoru hadn't experienced before. On this end at least, he had given oral before a few times but never received. The initial shock made it harder for him to decide if he liked this new sensation or not.

When the older male started to bob his head and suck on him, the shock quickly disappeared and there was no doubt in his mind that he really did like this. Kaoru still muffled his moans in his arm and grabbed the sheets for support.

"Ky-ah", escaped Kaoru's lips when he didn't press his arm against them to silence his noises good enough.

A wet finger was entering him, but the pleasure made it feel less weird than it usually did. On instinct, Kaoru spread his legs apart a little farther and bent them so they were closer to his body. Kyoya pushed in another finger alongside the other one, knowing Kaoru's body enough by now to know that it wouldn't be too much, and started to thrust them in and out of him. Kaoru's moans were harder to hold back when Kyoya quickly found that sweet spot. It wasn't quite the same as having a cock inside of him but the pleasure around his own length more than made up for it.

"K-yoya!" Kaoru cried; this time both of his hands were holding onto the sheets for dear life.

That seemed to encourage Kyoya because he pushed in a third finger and thrust into him more harshly while sucking down more of him. Kaoru's face scrunched up and he whined loudly as he came. Kyoya retrieved his fingers and pulled Kaoru's soft member out of his mouth. He made a face when he swallowed. Kaoru could relate, but it did look hot from this point of view so he could see why Kyoya asked him to swallow instead of spitting it out.

Kyoya had a strange look on his face and Kaoru desperately wanted to hold him, for both of their sake. He knew exactly why he wanted to hold Kyoya but couldn't exactly point out why he was so sure that Kyoya wanted a hug too. Kaoru extended his hands in Kyoya's direction with a pleading look on his face. He didn't care if he looked pathetic and needy or that he was half naked and sweaty.

Kyoya looked at him for a few seconds and Kaoru felt like he was going to cry again, but did his best not to so Kyoya wouldn't either look down on him or feel obligated to give him affection out of guilt. To Kaoru's surprise, Kyoya crawled up his body, lied down next to him and pulled him closer. Kaoru was taken aback for a moment before wrapping his arms around the older male and closed his eyes. He didn't know what this moment meant, but he intended to just enjoy it. In time they wouldn't talk anymore and Kaoru just had to accept that. But at least he could relish and get as much out of the time they had left together as possible.

For once he let himself pretend that Kyoya felt something deeper for him while he stopped pretending that he didn't feel anything much deeper for Kyoya.


	4. Not what you want.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> A/N: I do feel some level of shame from posting smut... buuut not enough to remove all the scenes I've already written. They fit in this story, which these kinds of scenes really didn't in my previous fic. The thing I regret the most is adding internal thoughts. I have no idea what I was thinking. They come up so rarely and could just have been formatted like the rest of the text. Well, too late to change that now.
> 
> I want to make it clear that just because I write the characters a certain way doesn't it mean that I write my opinions. I went into this story wanting it to be messed up. I am usually someone who is very very suspicious when it comes to certain age gaps. So that was (so far I can remember) the part I am most disgusted with.

**Chapter 4. Not what you want.**

Kyoya detangled himself from the embrace and sat up after a few minutes. Kaoru opened his eyes and gave him a puzzled look.

"I'm just going to the bathroom to clean myself up… stay here?" Kyoya said, or more like asked with some uncertainty, and Kaoru nodded.

Kyoya stood up and disappeared into the bathroom. Kaoru really wanted to get out of there because he was scared of what was happening. It felt like something would come that he wasn't prepared for. They would have to either talk about this or awkwardly ignore it and Kaoru didn't find either of those options appealing in the slightest. However, he knew that this would become so much worse if he just up and left now. Kaoru could tell that Kyoya needed him to be there when he came back. It would also feel even more like Kaoru had used Kyoya if he just left after they had sex… speaking of, had Kyoya ever felt bad when he was getting distant after intercourse? No, he probably hadn't even thought about it, going by the guilt and shame on Kyoya's face when Kaoru mentioned that he didn't get much attention during foreplay.

Kaoru leaned over the edge and picked up his underwear before putting them on despite still being covered in some lube. He wanted to feel a little less naked. If they also started to fight he didn't have to fear that he would run angrily out of the room exposed.

Kyoya returned with a first aid kit. Kaoru could see relief in his face when he saw that Kaoru was still on his bed.

"Let me take a look at you now", Kyoya said sternly and sat down on the bed next to Kaoru. "And then you'll tell me exactly what happened".

Kyoya put the medical kit down and tilted Kaoru's head closer to him with his hands. Kaoru could smell the mint in his breath. He really couldn't blame Kyoya for wanting to brush his teeth.

"No serious injuries", Kaoru assured. "Someone already checked".

"That someone couldn't have been a medical professional or someone who really wanted to make sure that you were okay since you still have dried blood on your nose and face". Kyoya removed a package of wet paper towels from the kit. "You should have been properly tended to is all I'm saying".

Kyoya was about to clean Kaoru's forehead with one of the paper towels but Kaoru took it from him and rubbed his face with it himself.

When he was done, Kyoya took it back and wiped a little blood off his chin.

"You had a little left. But it's expected of you to miss that when you don't have a mirror", Kyoya explained and threw the wet paper towel in the bin close to his bed.

Kaoru almost answered that he didn't actually want to look at his face, but decided against it.

"I guess", Kaoru awkwardly answered. He could have made a lame joke about his twin usually being his mirror but he wasn't in the mood. "But see, you didn't need to bring the medical kit".

"You don't have any wounds anywhere else?" Kyoya further inquired and Kaoru shook his head. "That's good. Now tell me what happened and stop trying to avoid the subject. Did another one of the Boys attack you?"

"Is that a guess or do you have any other reason to think that we regularly beat each other up?" Kaoru teased. "Or is this your way of asking if this was the work of another zero?"

"I have no idea what I'm expecting to hear", Kyoya said. "But I don't know who else would get away with beating you up than either one of the Boys or maybe a soldier. Don't tell me that I have to read your file to be able to know what happened".

Kaoru chuckled. "You really should read it though. You won't get the truth about this particular situation from it but you should read it anyway". Kaoru extended his hand towards Kyoya. "I'll tell you what happened if you promise to read my file".

"Why is it so important to you? Aren't you tired of people judging you after just reading your file?" Kyoya frowned. "You just said that the truth about this incident wouldn't be there. Don't you want me to hear things from your perspective?"

"Promise. Me". Kaoru sounded both stern and pleading at the same time.

Kyoya sighed and reluctantly shook Kaoru's hand. "I promise to read it tomorrow. Even if I still don't understand why it's so important". Kyoya let go of Kaoru's hand, which Kaoru later placed in his own lap.

"And I don't understand why it's so hard for you to read the file". Kaoru rolled his eyes. "If you don't read it I won't tell you anything else you ask about. Even if it's things that you can't even find in there, like this. Anyway, this wasn't one of the Boys' doing, it was general Rai. He has a temper, you probably know about that. I shouldn't have been in his office when he was drunk. Lesson learned".

"I have heard about his temper, yes". Kyoya sounded a tad bit angry now. "Apparently, he needs therapy much more than I previously thought if he attacks people when he is drunk".

"He can attack when he's not drunk too", Kaoru chimed in nonchalantly. "That's just a part of who he is. It's just easier to make him angry when he is intoxicated".

"Have he hit you before?"

"Kyoya… ".

"Have he hit you before!?" Kyoya exclaimed and Kaoru flinched and closed his eyes. Kyoya calmed down a bit because of that reaction. "Did you… did you expect me to hit you right now?"

"That's what a lot of people do when they're angry".

"What- no! Only people who need serious help hit others when they are angry! I wouldn't even have hit you if you were the one I was angry at right now".

Kaoru was really confused. "But they told me that this isn't something odd. Everyone knows that Rai becomes violent sometimes. I wouldn't have been hurt if I wasn't with him at a time when he was the most distressed. I was the one who made him angry in the first place!"

"Do you know why none of the doctors have complained about being attacked by him?" Kyoya was clearly trying to control his anger. "It's because we aren't a part of this made up world inside of this base, a world that doesn't follow the same rules as the outside one. The only reason they want to pretend that this behavior is acceptable is because they need and respect Rai. And Rai only attacks people below his rank because it makes it easier for other people to let him be".

"He isn't a cold monster, Kyoya! You weren't there! You don't know what I did to make him angry!"

"It doesn't matter if you made fun of his dead wife or acted like an awful human being. In the outside world, he would have been punished for hurting you like this. Did you attack him first?"

"... I...".

"Was his attack self-defense?"

"Well, no. But I did push him first!"

"Push as in pushing away? Did you push him away because he did something?"

"Yes but-".

"Kaoru, he was the one who made the situation worse. Not you".

"I-I could have told him off!"

"You don't sound very convincing here", Kyoya scoffed. "What it sounds like to me is that you used self-defense and he got pissed at you for going against him. It's scary how much you defend him".

"He is my friend and there nothing is wrong with his behavior! Some people don't need trauma, they are just different".

"Lashing out to the point of hurting another human being with little remorse is not the same as being a little quirky, Kaoru. Stop trying to excuse his behavior. What he is doing is a literal crime. People are only telling you that this is normal because they gain something from it. He is the one who did wrong. This is not your fault".

Kaoru was silent for a few minutes, confused about what he was supposed to think or how to feel.

"Do you think I'm stupid for not believing that I didn't do anything to deserve this?" Kaoru pointed at his own face.

"I don't think you're stupid", Kyoya said sadly. "I think you have been taken advantage of. I might be frustrated that you believe that you deserved this, but I'm not mad at you. This shouldn't have happened… no one should hurt you".

Kyoya's voice sounded so gentle and kind at the end that it broke Kaoru's heart. Kaoru wished he could believe Kyoya so Kyoya wouldn't be upset anymore. That fact that Rai's violent behavior was illegal despite how Kaoru had acted wasn't enough to truly convince him that he wasn't at least just as much to blame for what happened... Was it even illegal? Kyoya wouldn't just lie about Rai breaking the law, but he wouldn't have broken the law if Kaoru hadn't made him angry in the first place… right? He started to question things now. Perhaps he would have been able to see things differently if Hikaru had taken his place?

"Once again, I'm not angry with you", Kyoya said softly and caressed Kaoru's cheek. "I just want to make sure that you don't think that I am".

"Why do you care?" Kaoru spat and leaned backward, away from his touch. He wasn't going to let Kyoya get closer to him if he was just going to push him away in the future again. "You said- ".

"Can you stop using my stubbornness against me?" Kyoya spat back. "Or do you actually believe that I don't believe in you? Because it feels like you're trying to tell me over and over again that I don't really care about you because you want to convince both of us that I don't. I was determined to not care about anyone here and treat everything like just business and you use that to make me stop probing in your business and push me away". Kaoru's eyes widened in surprise and he was speechless. "You know deep down that I care about you. Maybe you don't not always. Maybe you are constantly trying to convince yourself that I'm not… maybe me not showing that I cared for you much before helped you convince yourself that I actually don't".

Realization seemed to hit Kyoya at that moment. Kaoru had never expected to have this conversation. Kyoya was correct. Kaoru had always reminded Kyoya that he wasn't supposed to care about him every time Kyoya got too close and asked too many questions. Kyoya wasn't the only one being distant, not the only one afraid. In any other situation, this conversation would have been a positive thing. Both would have confessed that they cared for each other and maybe a romance could have begun to grow, but that was in a world where Kaoru was a good person who deserved a happy ending. Kaoru really wanted to see if he could make Kyoya care for him in a way that wasn't just friendly, but that was something he couldn't do for both of their sake. Before this point in time, Kaoru had thought mostly about his own heartbreak, but now he had to save Kyoya's feelings as well. It was bad enough that Kyoya cared, but him caring too much would end horribly.

Kaoru chuckled sadly. "How long did it take for you to accept that you cared for a little shit like me?" Kaoru joked.

"Longer than it should have", Kyoya reluctantly admitted. "Me becoming really angry at someone who hurts you was a big clue".

"Maybe you shouldn't fuck someone you have to be around next time if you don't want to cat- start to care", Kaoru teased. He almost said 'catch feelings' and that would have opened a door he didn't want to open.

"Maybe not, but you were just so cute", Kyoya teased and Kaoru's cheeks heated up a little more.

"Th-That's good", Kaoru said and cleared his voice. "It would be quite sad otherwise, that my brother is my only friend here".

"Having one friend isn't sad… but having more can probably be more… enjoyable for you". Kyoya sounded awkward and both sat there in silence for a few minutes.

"I… can I use your bathroom real quick?" Kaoru asked.

"You have never asked before so you don't have to start now".

"It seemed a little impolite to just walk away when we're sitting here bonding".

Kyoya chuckled. "I can see what you mean. Go ahead". Kyoya gave Kaoru one more smile before going over to his desk to work on his computer.

Kaoru sighed and stood up from the bed as well. He walked through the room and into the bathroom. With the door locked behind him, he could finally allow himself to breathe and think, away from Kyoya's line of sight. Was Kyoya disappointed in him for calling him a friend? Was Kaoru supposed to assume that Kyoya meant that he wanted him more than a friend should? Because that wasn't clear to Kaoru. You can care about someone you sleep with without deep feelings being involved… that might not have worked out on Kaoru's part, but he had never experienced any healthy romantic relationships before. Kyoya probably had, he had probably dated several people and had several friends with benefits that he hadn't had feelings for… or maybe he had fallen for previous friends with benefits and it was just an occurring theme for him. No, that didn't sound like Kyoya. It did sound more like the description of Kyoya's best friend.

Kaoru went about his business since he actually did have to use the bathroom. He washed his hands and made the mistake of looking up. Seeing himself in the mirror, he jumped in surprise and made a small noise from the back of his throat. He had refused to look at his face before but now he couldn't look away. It was horrifyingly disgusting. His face was swollen like it had grown twice in size and was covered in a crude pattern of bruises. It made sense why it hurt so much after the initial numbness, but still…So disgusting. Kaoru wasn't sure why his reaction was like this. The relief that he escaped possible death again, or relief that he didn't have any serious injuries, simply didn't exist in his mind at that moment.

Injuries, and most importantly injuries on the face, wasn't new to him. Maybe it was new to this extent, but as someone who had prepared himself for a future with permanent scars over his entire body, these insecurities didn't make a lick of sense. Being around someone he really liked might have been the reason why he was suddenly so bothered about this. That did sound very likely.

A soft knock broke him out of his thoughts.

"Are you okay? You have been there for quite some time now after flushing. Before you ask, yes you can hear the toilet flushing from my room so I wasn't being a creep". Kaoru heard Kyoya from the other side of the door.

"Remind me to never poop in your bathroom ever again then", Kaoru joked, ignoring the question. "Hearing someone using the bathroom sounds like a big mood killer".

"Having an accident in bed because you didn't use the bathroom is an even bigger 'mood killer'". Kyoya chuckled. "If you're wondering about the bottle on the sink… I didn't exactly become unbothered before when I got you off".

Kaoru blushed when he turned his head and saw what bottle Kyoya meant. He hadn't actually noticed it because he was too busy being disgusted with himself, but seeing that Kyoya had to take care of business even when Kaoru looked the way he did felt really flattering… and a little guilt-inducing.

"I never returned the favor", Kaoru uttered.

"You have given more than you have received in the past so don't think about that. Besides, we have plenty of opportunities to satisfy both of us in the future", Kyoya murmured and Kaoru could picture the smug smirk on his face.

"Sounds good to me", Kaoru answered with a grin and unlocked the door. "However, we both should probably go back to sleep. It's late".

Kyoya stood right in front of him when he stepped out of the bathroom. "You won't have a lot of hours left. It's pretty early in the morning", Kyoya said while looking straight into Kaoru's eyes. "You will give your brother quite the scare I'd imagine as well… because of your wounds I mean".

"How can you be so sure that he doesn't already know I'm hurt?"

"I don't think he would have let you out of his sight if that was the case. Besides, if you were able to go to him for the comfort you wouldn't have gone here in the first place". Kyoya wasn't wrong. "I assume you had a fight?"

"We did. But it's nothing you need to worry about".

"So, it was not about you and I?"

"No. This fight was about something ridiculous".

"I think him starting fights over the fact that you have some sort of relationship with anyone but him is ridiculous".

"Of course you do", Kaoru chuckled. "You don't really understand what overprotectiveness does to someone".

"Maybe not… Or maybe I do", Kyoya said quietly, still not breaking eye contact with Kaoru.

Kaoru chuckled again, this time a little more nervously. Not nervous as in scared, he was just a little taken aback and flattered.

"I shouldn't keep you up any longer and I am getting really tired myself".

"You should definitely rest", Kyoya agreed as Kaoru walked past him. "You have had a rough night".

"And I have been quite emotional too". Kaoru paused next to the door and turned to look at Kyoya again. "I didn't plan on crying in front of you like that. Quite embarrassing".

"You were tired and hurt", Kyoya said, picked up Kaoru's shorts from the ground and walked over to him. "Don't think I'm going to look down on you for something like that".

Kaoru blushed again and grabbed the shorts from Kyoya. He mumbled an embarrassed 'thanks' before quickly putting them on.

"I'm not complaining about the sight if you would rather keep them off", Kyoya smirked. "But I assume you didn't want to show off your underwear to everyone you might stumble upon on your way back to your room".

"Yeah", Kaoru said with a nervous laugh. "I forgot about my attire. I'm more tired than I thought… well, I`ll leave now".

"Are you sure that you have the energy to face Hikaru's concern now?"

"He'll be asleep when I get back and I have to face him eventually. Can't ignore him until my face looks normal again, can I?"

"Like you ignored me after you were attacked the previous time?" Kyoya teased but frowned at the guilty expression on Kaoru's face. "Don't look at me like that. I'm just joking. I would have acted the same way if I was in your position. But you don't have to avoid me this time". Kyoya ruffled Kaoru's hair and Kaoru chuckled.

"Yeah… hopefully, people will stop attacking me so I can look normal again soon". Kaoru unconsciously traced his fingers over the yellow bruises on his neck. He almost said 'so I won't look ugly anymore' but decided against it.

"I agree", Kyoya muttered as Kaoru turned around and opened the door. "But once again, Kaoru, none of these attacks were your fault".

Kaoru temporarily stopped in his tracks before stepping out of the room.

"Goodnight, Kyoya".

"Goodnight, Kaoru", Kyoya said warmly. "Try to stop blaming yourself".

Kaoru slowly nodded, knowing that Kyoya could see his head moving up and down from behind, before walking away. He heard Kyoya lock the door behind him and he could finally be truly alone with his thoughts... Did Kyoya want him to stay? Because it sure felt like he was dragging out the conversation. And why was he trying so hard to convince Kaoru to stop blaming himself for what had happened? Sure, if Kyoya truly cared and he was right about Kaoru being innocent then obviously he would make sure that Kaoru didn't take the blame. However, there was a certain desperation in his actions. Normally, the man would have been able to realize that you can't convince someone to change their way of thinking just like that. Maybe a doctor like Kyoya was just tired of seeing people in the same position as Kaoru and couldn't stay professional anymore when it was about someone he had more personal connections to? Who knows?

Kaoru quietly tiptoed into his room and internally rejoiced when he discovered that Hikaru was asleep. He had fully expected him to be awake; why would he fall asleep when his brother was running away in anger? Hikaru must have been extremely tired and decided that Kaoru would come back as soon as he had calmed down and that nothing bad would happen… Hikaru would certainly lose more trust in other people after this. Neat, that was EXACTLY what Kaoru had wanted. He shouldn't have left his room in the first place...

"... None of these attacks were your fault", Kyoya's voice echoed in his head. "Try to stop blaming yourself".

Kaoru forced those thoughts out of his head. Kyoya only said those things because he thought that Kaoru was a good person. Kyoya's truth would come out when the truth came out. Kaoru had to stop the desperation inside of him who wanted to believe Kyoya's sweet words. Because the same words would eventually turn into poison, a poison that would damage both of them. He couldn't let that happen.

Kaoru lied down in his bed without pulling the blanket over him and closed his eyes. In a few hours, it would be morning, his brother would freak out, everyone would know about the attack but not care enough to see if Kaoru was okay. Perhaps one of his superiors would talk to him about the importance of letting go of what Rai did to him and he eventually had to face said man as well. Now he had to push all of that to the back burner so he could fall asleep. Just temporarily forget everything so he could get at least a few hours of the night. However, it's easier said than done.

* * *

It felt like Kaoru and Kyoya had been dancing around each other lately. Or maybe they played some game of cat and mouse. At times Kaoru suspected that Kyoya wanted more from him. Sometimes Kyoya looked at Kaoru in a certain way or sneaked in a few touches while they had conversations. Kaoru usually put some sort of distance between them when that happened and he got the impression that Kyoya was more annoyed by it rather than rejected since he knew for sure now about Kaoru's true feelings. Despite Kaoru dismissing Kyoya's more affectionate advances, he really didn't want Kyoya to stop. It wasn't like he could just change his feelings just because he couldn't have him. Kaoru would undeniably be a lot sadder when Kyoya decided to give up on (maybe, perhaps) pursuing him.

This was a mess. Everything would be more clear after Kyoya finally got to know the truth. Which would be pretty soon now. It would get so much harder before it got better, that's what Kaoru had to tell himself.

Kaoru was currently back in Rai's office, one week after he was attacked. The Boy was initially scared when he entered the room but seeing how the mess was cleaned up and how cheerful the general was put him at ease. At least slightly.

"It's pretty remarkable, little one", Rai beamed. "You can stop being worried that you won't be able to join the mission just because you haven't been able to keep up with the training as much as you wanted. You're still improving and your stats look promising. At least your stamina and body look good".

That was the worst attempt at trying to tell Kaoru that they shouldn't dwell on what had happened and not take it too seriously; by making fun of his face. Kaoru didn't even fake a laugh, even in fear that the general would get angry with him because of how sad that jab made him.

He knew that Rai probably didn't mean to hurt him but shouldn't Kaoru (the one who got beat up) be the one to take the first step to show that the incident was behind them? Was it always going to be this simple for Rai to never take responsibility for hurting someone? Had he been forgiven too many times that he didn't think that he had to feel bad? Was he making that joke partly because he wanted to lower Kaoru's self-confidence so Kaoru would remain passive? Maybe Kyoya's words had hit Kaoru harder than he had previously thought. Now he couldn't stop analyzing other people's behavior against him.

"I'm glad that I'm still in decently good shape, sir", Kaoru answered as professionally as he could.

Rai clearly looked a little disappointed that he hadn't joined in on the joke but decided not to mention it.

"I've heard that you have another mind diving session soon", Rai commented.

"Yes, sir. Tomorrow".

"You should probably rest for that. Maybe that will make sure that you don't pass out too early again".

Kaoru had a short chuckle.

"We can hope, sir. Am I dismissed?"

"Yes, boy. You are dismissed", Rai smiled at him before returning to his paperwork.

Kaoru turned around and walked to the door, but stopped when Rai addressed him again.

"You have done really good Kaoru. I want to thank you for not letting me do… you know what, with you", Rai said nonchalantly and Kaoru closed his eyes while trying to calm himself down. But he wasn't exactly sure why he was freaking out. "Because that would have been disgusting. Nothing against fags of course, because I know you are one of those, right? And I don't care… hope you're not a little sissy who can't handle that big boy word. Anyway, it would have been as horrible for me as being with a woman would have been for you… or maybe you're just a fag because you can't have a girl. I don't know how that works and I don't judge… the point is that you did a really good thing and took the consequences like a champ. I'm proud as well as I'm thankful".

"Of course, sir", Kaoru uttered only loud enough for the general to hear. "I wouldn't want you to make a horrible mistake".

Kaoru wanted to further clarify that the mistake Rai almost committed was a lot worse than almost drunkenly sleeping with a man. Rai had hinted that Kaoru didn't have a choice and that was crossing into dangerous territory. He didn't know if Rai legitimately didn't remember what he was about to do or if he was trying to convince himself that it wasn't that bad. Probably the second option because why else would Rai think that Kaoru had to push him off him?

"You are on the right track, son. You can go now", Rai said and Kaoru quickly exited the office before Rai could give him another reason to stay.

Before the meeting, Kaoru thought that this is what he had wanted. That it would be a good thing if they acted like nothing had happened and just talked like normal. However, Kaoru was still terrified of that man and felt more hurt than expected by the fact that his pain was so invalidated. Of course, he had been afraid of Rai previously but now he felt sick being in the same room. He wasn't sure if it was because this was the worst beating he had ever received from Rai, that Rai wanted to force himself on him or those two things combined with Rai not seeming to care about his feelings on the matter.

Kaoru had definitely been attacked and hurt psychically severely before, but this was by someone he knew. It didn't feel as big of a betrayal as when Jiro attacked him because Jiro was a closer friend that hadn't hit Kaoru previously, but this still left him feeling completely awful. Hopefully, he would be more comfortable with Rai soon. They were still friends after all.

Everyone knew what had happened now, but nobody gave it near as much attention as when Kaoru was attacked by Jiro. It wasn't surprising, even if he was definitely more injured by Rai than Jiro. Because one of the perpetrators was a highly important general that everyone wanted to protect and the other one was an "insane" zero.

Kyoya was definitely the only one who showed that he thought that Rai was completely in the wrong. Sure Hikaru was mad at that man for what he did to his brother, but he also angrily told Kaoru that he shouldn't have been there in the first place. Kaoru hadn't told anyone what Rai had actually tried to do and he planned on keeping it that way. How was he even supposed to bring it up and what would it change? It would be for the best if he just tried to let it go.

Kaoru entered his bedroom only to be met by his brother who immediately grabbed him to see if he had any new wounds.

"Are you going to be just as suspicious every time I talk to him?" Kaoru rolled his eyes.

"You never know what kind of mood he will be in", Hikaru muttered and tried to pull up Kaoru's shirt to see if he had any bruises there but Kaoru stopped him with a glare.

"You can just ask me if he did anything. No need to invade my privacy". Kaoru crossed his arms over his chest.

"You didn't wake me up when you came back!" Hikaru exclaimed. "You let me wait and be scared in the morning without an immediate explanation!"

"That was not my intention, I was exhausted afterward", Kaoru said and sighed in frustration before his mood changed from annoyed to insecure. "Do you think this was my fault?"

"What do you mean?"

"Do you think it was my fault I got hurt? That I should be the one to blame for being beaten up?"

"Why are you suddenly asking this?" Hikaru asked, which hinted to Kaoru that Hikaru did in fact believe the blame was his since he didn't answer the question immediately.

However, Kaoru used to be just as convinced so that didn't tell him much about Hikaru's stubbornness over this.

"Kyoya told me that it wasn't my fault and that Rai was actually breaking the law". Perhaps mentioning Kyoya wasn't the best approach, but Kaoru needed to talk about this. "He really tried to convince me to not blame myself and he doesn't seem to be very fond of Rai now, to say the least".

"You're sure he didn't just say that so he could more easily talk you into bed, you know despite your distress?" Hikaru asked, suspicious.

"I'm absolutely sure. He never made a move during that conversation and tried to tell me not to take the blame even as I was leaving".

They did have sex before that but that was because… he wasn't actually sure why and it was probably for the best if Hikaru didn't know about that. It wasn't relevant.

"Okay… ". Hikaru was deep in thoughts for a few minutes. "Is there something… else he could have gained from telling you that?" He finally asked.

"No. He just told me that he cared about me", Kaoru added. He wanted to desperately talk about his "friend-or-more"- situation with Kyoya as well but he had literally no one to discuss with. Hikaru would only throw a fit and wouldn't be able to set aside his own feelings.

"I don't know how I feel about that", Hikaru said and narrowed his eyes. "But I don't see why he would be lying about it being illegal". Kaoru's mouth dropped in shock. "If he cares about you, I can relate. I don't like seeing you hurt… but I haven't heard anything different. But I have questioned it… maybe I just agree with Kyoya because it validates my own thoughts? … I don't know".

"Sooooo... you don't think I should blame myself?"

"I'm a little split… I don't want you to blame yourself", Hikaru said hesitantly. "You didn't ask for him to hurt you and you didn't attack him… I hate to see when you take the blame for things you didn't do". Kaoru assumed that was a hint at the Jiro situation. "But I have been told, we both have been, by everyone that this is normal".

If Hikaru was willing to agree with Kyoya (at least a little), then something was definitely off. Hikaru was the kind of person who could disagree with someone out of spite, but maybe his judgment was clouded too? If Hikaru and Kyoya cared about Kaoru and didn't want to see him hurt, then wouldn't they be a little biased? Kaoru didn't know what to think anymore.

"I may not know exactly what I think about that", Hikaru said. "But at least I know that you shouldn't take what happened to you personally. It would have happened to anyone else... actually, it does happen to some poor bastard nearly every year".

That didn't make Kaoru feel better in the slightest. He already felt like Rai didn't give a shit about him and now thinking about what would have happened if another Boy had been in his place… would that Boy even have the inner strength to not let Rai have his way with him? Would that Boy even think about the help button in that situation? Maybe Kaoru should give the Boys more credit; they weren't all helpless little children who were afraid of saying no. However, some of them had definitely proved before that they couldn't say no to their superiors…

"Kaoru, are you really up for the mission later?" Hikaru snapped Kaoru out of his thoughts. "You can stay back if you want to. This isn't a big mission, I mean hardly any Boys are attending".

"I don't want to stay back if I can avoid it". "And I want to be as useful as possible while they still think I am worth something". "Besides, I really don't need to be physically healed for a memory dive".

"I guess you're right", Hikaru chuckled. "You have always been a stubborn person. Remember when we were little? When you desperately wanted to cross a stream in the forest, a few minutes from our house, but fell and hit your head?" Kaoru raised an eyebrow. "That was the only time you got a scar that wasn't self-inflicted and you still, several years later, don't think that it was a bad choice". Hikaru chuckled again.

"Hikaru… we didn't live near a forest before we came here", Kaoru explained. "We lived in a poor district in the middle of a town. No forest in sight".

Hikaru chuckled again. "Your memory is bad Kaoru. We didn't live in a poor area and we lived pretty close to a forest. You have a scar on your head because you tried to jump and land on a log in the middle of a stream but was swept under and were rammed into the bridge".

"No, I have a scar on my head because someone, probably a homeless man, hit me over the head with a pipe", Kaoru said and Hikaru stopped smiling. "But it would have been nice if we did live close to a forest. Would have been a nice memory".

"Yes, it is a nice memory. You would have known if you didn't try to forget everything that happened before we got here", Hikaru jabbed, now annoyed.

Kaoru glared at him.

"I haven't tried to forget that time period, not that I would have been able to control my own memories. You are clearly the one not remembering shit".

"I do remember!" Hikaru exclaimed angrily. To others, it would have looked like they were fighting over nothing, but that couldn't be further from the truth. "You are obviously the one who doesn't remember or you're messing with me".

"I'm not messing with you". Kaoru sighed. "I'm just telling you that you remembered something incorrectly. Don't you think I would remember how I got a head scar? It's not a weird thing to forget-".

"Because you think I'm affected by memory diving?" Hikaru finished in disbelief.

"I never said that. Anyone could remember things wrong and-".

"But you were implying it", Hikaru accused. "I'm not losing my mind Kaoru. I know my memory is the correct one!"

"How come your story doesn't align with mine?"

"Because you don't fucking remember how a fucking forest looks like!" Hikaru exclaimed. "All your self-worth and meaning remain within the base. You don't let yourself remember what happened before we got here! I bet you don't even remember what our mother looked like".

"I can't repress that much. You probably don't remember her either consider how bad your memory is!"

"Fuck off, Kaoru!"

They glared at each other before Hikaru stormed out of the room. Kaoru wasn't worried about their relationship, he knew that they would talk like nothing happened later. He also needed to go through his thoughts without being disturbed so going after Hikaru wasn't an appealing choice even if he could mend things immediately.

Kaoru did feel bad for how this escalated, but most of all he was concerned. How could Hikaru remember a false memory so clearly? What memory dive did that memory even come from? Hikaru's retelling was too clear and detailed to not belong to a real person. Is every single memory going to be replaced for Hikaru? Is this what had happened to the previous Boys?

Kaoru tugged his hair in frustration, but not hard enough to pull it all the way off. Hikaru's mind was going, and it was going fast. Kaoru didn't want to lose him, especially not him, not him too. Could Kaoru prevent this somehow? No, Hikaru wouldn't let him. Could Kaoru convince his superiors that Hikaru had to be discharged? Sure that would make Kaoru incredibly alone, even if Kyoya still wanted to be with him, and Hikaru would be mad at him, but if it could probably prolong Hikaru's insanity then why did it matter?

"You're just overreacting, Kaoru", he told himself. "The time before we arrived at the base was a long long time ago. Anyone would forget something… ".

Another thought hit him; speaking of false memories, what did their mom look like? Kaoru previously assumed that she looked like them, but how could he be so sure? Was that actually how she looked like or was it just an assumption on his part? Maybe the brothers mostly resembled their dad? … and the fact that Kaoru couldn't state that with certainty made him worried. What did his parents look like? What about their grandparents? Did they have another sibling? Aren't these questions he should have the answers to!?

Kaoru hadn't thought about his family in a very long time. Why would he have? It's not like they were going to see each other ever again. The twins must have been around ten or eleven years old when they joined the military. They left their parents a few years before that… or their parents most likely left them. Kaoru should probably visit his disclosed file and see for himself, even if the whole truth might not be there. It wasn't relevant to the military about who left who after all. It was kind of ironic that Kaoru was telling himself to read his file for once, but his state of mind prevented him from seeing what was funny about it.

Kaoru sat down on his bed with his hand on his head; something started to pulsate uncomfortably at his temples.

"When can everything just stop?"

* * *

There was a knock on general Rai's door. Rai looked up from his papers and told the person on the other side to come in but be quick. Kyoya entered shortly.

"Ah, I thought for a moment that you were Kaoru", Rai chuckled. "Not just because he is getting a bit of a habit of popping in without notice, I also don't get many visits".

Kyoya narrowed his eyes slightly at that but kept his polite smile on his face.

"Can I sit down? I'm not going to stay for too long, don't worry. I just want to discuss something quickly".

"Yeah sure, sure. You don't need to ask", Rai said and it didn't surprise Kyoya that he was already clearly treated better than Kaoru had been.

Kyoya sat down on the chair in front of Rai's desk.

"I think introducing myself is a good first step in this conversation", Kyoya said. "My name is Kyoya Ootori, I am Kaoru's personal doctor".

"Ah, his new one", Rai chuckled. "You're not here trying to be a knight for him, right? His last doctor was a little pussy who twisted in his seat while he stuttered through his sentences, and the doctor before that tried to report me".

"What would I be a knight about?" Kyoya raised an eyebrow. "You sound a little defensive, very uncommon for someone who believes he did nothing wrong". Rai wasn't smiling anymore. "Back to the subject. I'm not here to find out exactly what happened that night. I just want to make sure that my patient stops being injured so much". Kyoya had a professional smile on his face.

"Why do you care? I know Kaoru didn't send you. He is not one of those fags who are pussies", Rai said and didn't seem to notice the twitch in Kyoya's eye. "You new doctors never know how things work here".

"And you military people seem to forget how things work in the real world", Kyoya shot back, still smiling. "Or maybe you're not entirely oblivious. Your hands are twitching; you're holding yourself back from charging. Something you wouldn't have done if I was my patient. You know I could take legal action against you. Not to your superiors like previous doctors have threatened, but to the authorities outside … but did you know that I could take legal action against your superiors as well for endangering people, including minors? Wouldn't be the best case scenario if these things leaked considering how hard your superiors are trying to convince the authorities and the rest of the outside world that this place is humane".

"You will regret this later, you know", Rai said with clenched teeth.

"Is that a threat?" Kyoya asked, looking unbothered.

"No, of course not. I'm not like that. I don't appreciate how you speak like you know me. I'm not a bad person". Kyoya gave him a 'are you sure?' look. "That was a warning. Not a threat, a warning. You don't know him either or what he has done".

"I have read his file", Kyoya assured. "I was a little taken aback but I trust that he is another person now. I understand his choices".

"I'm not talking about that, even if it's weird that you are so calm about it", Rai laughed humorlessly. "I'm talking about things that will be revealed about him soon. Something that's not in any of his available files".

Kyoya raised an eyebrow. "And what could that be?"

Rai shook his head. "You have to wait and see. You'll know when everyone else does. And you'll most likely regret this conversation when you do. I'll look forward to your apology".

"You think Kaoru possibly being a horrible person erases the fact that you attack children and teenagers?" Kyoya asked and Rai stopped smiling again.

Kyoya could really tell that Rai did his best to prevent himself from screaming or attacking. Which proved Kyoya's theory; Rai wasn't as impulsive as everyone made him out to be. He clearly had trouble with controlling his anger, but he could hold back (at least for a while so Kyoya didn't intend on staying much longer). Which made the man sink even lower in Kyoya's eyes.

Rai didn't say anything so Kyoya continued: "To avoid making things harder for yourself and your superiors, I suggest you get help for those anger issues of yours".

Kyoya stood up, brushed away some dust from his lap and walked to the door. He turned to look at Rai one last time with a fake kind smile.

"Thank you for this lovely conversation. I hope you'll have a nice day".

As soon as Kyoya stepped out of the room and closed the door behind him, he heard a huge crash. Like something large just hit the door behind him, a chair. Probably the same one Kyoya had previously been sitting on because the one behind the desk was pretty big and not even Rai would have been able to throw that across the room. The general was quick in his movements and Kyoya hoped that Rai hadn't meant to hit him. Rai hopefully just needed to take out his frustration and wanted to scare the doctor at the same time.

It immediately felt better to be out of that office. Kyoya might have been acting calmly and not been too scared, but being around the general was still a little difficult. Partly because the dislike and anger Rai sent his way was mutual. Kyoya had intended in the beginning to not get into others' business but he couldn't cope for long with the fact that this could not only happen again but that Kaoru would blame himself once more. Two things Kyoya didn't want to see again.

However, he started to wonder what Rai was talking about before. What could Kaoru have done that would make him deserving of being abused? Kyoya couldn't come up with anything and he knew a lot of the horrible things Kaoru had done. But most of those things were either pre-military, at the beginning of the military or in self-defense. Kaoru had been a child during those times. Even if he had enjoyed hurting people back then, Kyoya didn't see that kind of sadist in Kaoru now. Kyoya didn't care if that made him a bad person... but...

Kyoya had to admit that it was a relief for him to learn that Kaoru was 17. He had assumed that Kaoru was at least 20 but later got worried when he heard a off hand comment and realized that Kaoru was younger probably than that… the fear of what Kaoru's age would be was one of the reasons why Kyoya didn't want to read Kaoru's files. Did this make Kyoya come off as a bit of a creep? Yes, because Kyoya should have either stopped their hookups or figured out his age earlier. Kyoya knew that. He didn't want to stop what they had going on and he relied on that Kaoru would tell him if he was far too young. Seventeen still felt a little weird to Kyoya, even if both of them originated from a country with a lower age of consent. Kyoya was still 26, so doing anything with a teenager felt bad. Didn't matter if it was legal in their current country and state or not. If this was the beginning of their friendship (or whatever they had) Kyoya would immediately have tapped out, but now he couldn't bring himself to do it. Maybe it would feel better when Kaoru was 18 in a few months, even if Kyoya would have preferred someone at least 20 years old. However, Kyoya didn't think he could stay away until then. If there was a hell, Kyoya knew there was a special place there for him. It didn't matter if a Kaoru was forced into early maturity, he was still very young in many ways.

Kyoya planned on not going all the way with Kaoru again at least before the announcement. Most of it had to do with the age revelation but it was also because it seemed like Rai was hinting that Kaoru's secret would be relieved there. Rai could have meant that Kyoya would get to know the truth the same way everyone got to know about the times Kaoru had been attacked; by rumors. However, Kyoya really doubted that now. In what situation would that secret be revealed by sudden rumors instead of an official statement? He wanted to give Kaoru the benefit of the doubt in this situation, but what could possibly be worse than what Kyoya already knew about him? Did Kaoru kill small children? Was he a cannibal? Did he force himself on people? All of those suggestions sounded extremely unlikely and even laughable. Even so, Kyoya didn't actually know Kaoru that well even if Kaoru knew a tiny bit about him.

Kaoru knew about Tamaki, Kaoru knew the names of Kyoya's family members, the school he went to, some from his (long) list of ex-lovers and some other small facts about him. Not much but still. Kyoya (before reading the files) knew that Kaoru had a twin, used to have a surname, had spent most of his life at the military base, was gay and had hooked up with maybe one or two guys, didn't have many friends, hurt himself because of the serum and Kyoya knew about his place in the military. It sounded like many things but when you actually thought about it, none of it was actually that personal (even the section of the file that documented him injuring people felt empty). Maybe Kaoru's sexuality or his previous partners could be considered personal, but everyone already assumed he was homosexual. The self-harm would have been a "personal matter" outside of the base but Kaoru never covered his scars and no one ever talked about it. Kyoya obviously knew more personal things now after doing a little research and talking to Kaoru after the latest attack, but that wasn't the whole story even if Kaoru didn't have that secret Rai mentioned. The files didn't tell Kyoya about Kaoru's thoughts or his fears. For example, Kaoru being convinced that he should blame himself for being hit was not a fact you could find in a piece of paper. Kyoya wanted to know more and that scared the living hell out of him.

Kyoya wasn't the only one at his workplace when he arrived at the office cubicles. Shinohara and a bushy bearded man Kyoya wasn't familiar with were talking quietly until they saw him.

"Good morning Ootori-San!" Shinohara called in Japanese and waved Kyoya over. The unfamiliar male looked at Shinohara with a confused look.

"They hire doctors who can't speak the language?" The man asked, and his voice was a lot deeper than Kyoya had expected from his lanky frame.

"No both of us just come from the same country", Kyoya answered and walked over to them. "And my college here doesn't seem to know how impolite it is to speak a language not everyone in the room understands", he teased. "My name is Kyoya Ootori".

"I'm Samuel Crone", the man said and they shook hands. "I assume you're one of the Boys' doctors. Sounds like a more dignified position than mine". Samuel chuckled.

"Yes, I'm Kaoru's personal doctor", Kyoya confirmed. "What's your line of work? It can't be as bad as you make it sound".

Shinohara laughed. "His work has helped our gossip life a lot".

"Yes. My job is to, unannounced, visit the boys and make sure that things are okay", Crone explained. "Which includes full body searches to, for example, see if they have harmed themselves or not. Funny you mentioned Kaoru because I am the one who has to make sure that his wounds aren't getting infected... or that the yelling between the twins isn't too serious".

"Good to hear someone is keeping an eye on that", Kyoya said to him. "Both of those things, I suppose".

"Samuel is also the first one to see if any of them have hooked up with each other", Shinohara explained. "Both when he accidentally walks on in them or sees the aftermath".

"And you like to gossip about that with the rest of the staff?" Kyoya asked in mild disgust; the Boys didn't have enough privacy as it already was.

"Don't be like that, Ootori", Shinohara teased. "We don't have much entertainment here. The Boys are used to people knowing everything about them regardless. If you had known about this earlier then you could have congratulated your patient on finally losing his virginity".

Kyoya raised an eyebrow at him. "I wouldn't have congratulated him either way. I'm his doctor, not his friend". Kyoya sounded calm but wasn't calm internally. Shinohara implied that Kaoru had lost his virginity while Kyoya knew him…. but that didn't add up with Kaoru's story. "Did you walk in on him, Crone?"

"So you're a little curious?" Shinohara teased.

"No, I didn't walk in on him, but I met him afterward and… well, you can probably guess how thorough the body searches are by my voice". Crone shivered. "I will forever despise the Boy who stole pills that one time. Has forced me into searching places that haunt my dreams and make me question my life. But back to Kaoru, he didn't lose his v-card that long ago".

"Maybe a month or two after you arrived, Ootori", Shinohara chimed in and it didn't take long for Kyoya to understand the situation. "And Rosengaard is convinced that he was with his own brother. Disgusting, but I guess it would make sense".

"And why is that?" Crone asked.

"Because they are close, don't have any other friends and they are mentally disturbed", Shinohara shrugged. "Who else would Kaoru go to? … Kyoya, are you alright?"

Kyoya initially thought that Shinohara was saying his name as a suggestion to who else Kaoru would sleep with. Luckily he didn't seem to have reacted in a manner that gave him away.

"Yes… this conversation just became a lot more uncomfortable", Kyoya hesitantly answered. He really just wanted to go and find Kaoru so he could explain himself.

Kyoya wasn't stupid; Kaoru had clearly lied to him.

"You're still new to all these messed up things that can happen here, I forgot", Shinohara said with an apologetic smile. "And hearing about your patient's sex life must have made things a little more awkward. I apologize for that".

"Not a subject I would idealistically talk about, no", Kyoya lied. "But anyway, I have some paperwork to go back to. It was a pleasure to meet you Crone", Kyoya said and they said their goodbyes before Kyoya hurried to his desk.

He looked through different phone numbers to see if there was anyone he could send to get Kaoru. Him just walking over to the Boy would be too suspicious so Kyoya had to make it seem like he wanted to talk about his health or something like that.

Kyoya knew there was a man who is used to fetch data after the Boys' missions and get them when someone wanted to talk to them, but he couldn't find his number. Then he remembered that there was a piece of paper on the wall over his computer with some instructions. Introductions about things like how the phone worked or where the help button was. Kyoya looked; there was apparently a certain button combo on the phone you had to click to go to the service that (he guessed) could send for the guy he wanted to see. Kyoya needed to click on 451, then the star and then the call button. Kyoya did that and waited only a few seconds before he heard a recorded voice.

"Welcome to the command center. If you want to get room service, click 1…". Kyoya wasn't aware that room service was an option. He wondered if that only applied to the rooms or if he could order to his office as well. "If you want an appointment with Jerry Troy, click 2… ". That was the man in charge of the doctors' department… Kyoya couldn't recall when he talked to the man last. "If you want to get in contact with a patient, click 3… ". Bingo. "And if you want to clean your office, click 4". A very useful thing that he wished he had known about before he spent hours cleaning up the mess he'd made the day before, but not what he was after right now. Kyoya clicked 3 and waited again. "You choose 3, wanting to come in contact with a patient. Please enter the number assigned to your station and then star". Kyoya obliged. "You have entered number 4. Is that correct? Please click 1". *Click* "Please be patient and wait".

Kyoya heard three rings on the other side before someone picked up. "This is Takashi Morinozuka. I'll be in your office within ten minutes. Please don't leave your location before I arrive". Then the call ended.

Kyoya couldn't tell if that was a pre-recorded message or not because the voice was very monotone. He would have preferred to just tell Morinozuka to get Kaoru right away but if the message was pre-recorded it probably meant that the man was very busy and couldn't have long conversations. Always up on his feet.

Kyoya was a little worried about how secretive he and Kaoru could be in this kind of office. Luckily most of his colleges weren't there and hopefully it could stay that way for a little longer. It didn't occur to him until now though that he really didn't have to rush this conversation as much as he was currently doing. This was no way near life or death, but still, Kyoya felt like he had to talk to Kaoru as soon as possible. What was happening to him?

A tall- very tall- and stoic man walked into Kyoya's office.

"I'm Takashi Morinozuka", he said with a voice that was almost as monotone as the, assumed, pre-recorded voice on the phone. Perhaps it wasn't pre-recorded after all. "Are you the doctor who sent for me?"

"Yes, I need to speak to my patient. His name is Kaoru… I take it that you know who I'm talking about". Kyoya saw that Morinozuka had a small reaction on his face when Kaoru's name was mentioned… which made Kyoya a little more suspicious, considering the conversation he had with Samuel and Shinohara. Maybe Kaoru didn't entirely lie…

"Yes, the one twin with scars all over his body. He is kind and doesn't suspect that everyone has impure intentions, unlike his brother", Morinozuka answered and Kyoya couldn't help but let out a small chuckle.

"Yes, that's the correct one...and a good description".

"Is he alright? Has something else happened?" Morinozuka sounded a little worried. Kyoya didn't know what to think about that tone, but that was overshadowed by the fact that he hadn't actually thought about an excuse as to why he needed to meet Kaoru.

"We just need to do more check ups than usual", Kyoya said as convincingly as possible. "I want to make sure that his wounds are healing well and that he hasn't damaged his head any further. I want to do my job properly".

"Ah, I see. That's good to hear", Morinozuka said quietly.

"Do you worry about him?" Kyoya asked, trying to not sound as suspicious as he was even if he didn't really have a reason to be suspicious (yet).

"I worry about all the Boys", Morinozuka said. "Even Hikaru, despite my unflattering description. But Kaoru is, like I said, really kind".

"Just make sure to befriend his brother first if you ever want to be friends with him", Kyoya turned to his papers.

"Our relationship is strictly professional. I don't think he even knows my name", Morinozuka murmured. "But why would I need to befriend his brother first?"

"Because his brother is insane", Kyoya said nonchalantly. "He doesn't trust anyone he doesn't approve of. He is possessive to an extent an overprotective brother shouldn't".

"You're talking like he is capable of murder".

"Maybe he is, have you read his file?" Kyoya asked and it was silent between them for a few seconds. Kyoya had indeed read about Hikaru as well. It was hard not to consider how intertwined the twins' lives were. So he now had some facts about the older twin as well.

"Should… should I go and get Kaoru now?" Morinozuka finally asked and Kyoya nodded. "Very well. I'll see you in a bit".

Morinozuka left the room and Kyoya tried to do some paperwork while he waited but he couldn't. He had been weirdly emotional all day. First, he pretty much threatened an aggressive old man (who could beat him up badly) and second, he postponed work to talk with Kaoru about something that didn't mean much in the scheme of things. Kyoya suspected that the nightmare he had (that he barely remembered) and some of the frustration he had about Kaoru was the culprit for his emotional state.

He was frustrated with Kaoru because Kaoru didn't think highly of himself at all. Not just because he thought that he deserved getting abused, but that he also didn't think that he could be selfish at all when they had sex. That made Kyoya feel shame since he was the one with experience and power. He wished that he could just use Kaoru and not care, but he just couldn't do that. Apparently, not even he was that heartless.

"Kyoya, did you miss me?"

Kyoya looked up and saw Kaoru step into the room. He had a small smirk on his still wounded face. The bruising around his neck was finally barely visible but the bruising on his face was as visible as it could be. Kyoya also noted that the young man was wearing shorts like he almost always did and a long-sleeved shirt. He noticed that there were a few new injuries on his thigh but decided not to mention them. It would only distract from what he actually wanted to talk about.

"I didn't miss your cockiness", Kyoya said and turned to Morinozuka who stood in the doorway. "Thank you, Morinozuka. Your services won't be needed anymore".

Morinozuka nodded back and left. Kaoru looked at the much taller man as he left before he turned back to Kyoya.

"So that's his name? Interesting", Kaoru commented and jumped up on the examination table. "So what did you want to talk about?"

"You don't seem to be worried. I'm a doctor after all".

"You are not a normal doctor", Kaoru almost purred. "And I don't see how I would be dying anytime soon… unless I'm attacked again".

"And hopefully that won't happen... again", Kyoya murmured in a tone that made Kaoru raise an eyebrow. "Anyway, you have every right not to be worried right now… about your health".

"Only about my health, aye?" Kaoru wiggled his eyebrows and chuckled. "Sounds kinky. But anyway, what did you want to talk about? Because this doesn't seem like a booty call".

"Kinky? I recently stumbled upon Samuel Crone-".

"Ah yeah, the guy here who have probably seen more dicks than anyone", Kaoru chimed in. "Against his wishes, of course. I still think he deserves to be known as the slut instead of me".

"Why do people think you're sleeping around?"

Kaoru shrugged. "I guess it's because I'm the only one openly attracted to men so people automatically assume I get more dick than the other Boys".

Here we go. "But it's the exact opposite, right?" Kyoya asked.

"Well, we don't hook up as often lately… which I assume is because I'm injured all the time".

"Not what I meant", Kyoya sighed. "Did you lie before when you said that you slept with people before we met?"

Kaoru looked at him silently. "What makes you think that I lied?"

"Crone. I assume his body searches are quite uncomfortable".

"I wouldn't mind the body searches if you were the one doing them", Kaoru winked at him. "Now I also know that you guys do In fact talk about us behind our backs. Not surprised". Kaoru acted pretty nonchalantly about hearing this new information.

"Kaoru, was I your first?" Kyoya bluntly asked. "Because that's what it sounds like to me".

"Because of Crone? I could have lost my virginity before I got here".

"First of all, that's not what you told me, so still a lie. Second of all, I highly doubt you had sex at ten years old or younger… unless it wasn't consensual".

If that was true, then Kyoya felt like a bigger asshole. He really hoped that this wasn't the case.

"So you read my file? Good boy", Kaoru chuckled and looked down at the floor. "But yeah, you guessed right", he said silently.

"Why did you lie about it?"

"Because you really didn't seem like you wanted to be with a virgin". Kaoru looked up at him. "Didn't you say that they get overly attached or something?"

"The irony".

"I might only have been able to stay away for a short amount of time", Kyoya admitted. "So you would have gotten it eventually".

"I didn't want to wait! I was horny and you were the first hot guy who wasn't creepy. I didn't want to risk scaring you away", Kaoru confessed with red cheeks. "How big of a difference is it really? I mean, you just admitted that you would have given in after a while".

"Yes, but… I would have had a different approach. I could have been more of a teacher and taken it easy at first and not just shoved your head into the pillow".

Kaoru chuckled. "It was fun though. But I refuse to take all the blame here. How couldn't you tell that I was a virgin? Isn't the fake confidence a huge giveaway?"

"I didn't think clearly enough apparently", Kyoya said.

"You still don't". Kaoru smirked. "I mean if this was the only thing you wanted to talk about, why did you send for me? It could have waited" Kyoya was silent. "I assume you didn't sleep well last night". Kaoru sounded a little more concerned.

"Do I get visibly emotional when I miss sleep?" Kyoya asked, a little amused.

"A little. You get a little more touchy when you're extra tired as well. Did you go to bed late or had bad dreams or something?"

"Bad dream, but I don't remember it".

"Are you just saying that so you don't have to talk about it?"

"No, but that would have been the excuse if that was the case", Kyoya grinned at the pout on Kaoru's face. "And what makes you think that I'm just touchy when I'm tired?" Kyoya stood up and walked over to Kaoru. He sat down next to him on the table so the space between their shoulders was nonexistent.

Kaoru chuckled. "You're still tired so I don't know how this is proving anything", he said.

"I didn't intend on proving anything by moving closer", Kyoya assured. "Just a precaution".

"A precaution for what?" Kaoru asked. "You expect me to run away or something?"

"Maybe", Kyoya answered, honestly. "I just… why aren't you being touchy?".

"I didn't think you liked 'em being needy", Kaoru teased and Kyoya chuckled.

"I don't like when people I just have sex with is needy, no", Kyoya said. "But this is different".

"Because we are friends?"

"Not really", Kyoya said and stared straight into Kaoru's eyes. "You like me too much, don't you?"

"Ye-".

"Before you say 'yes we're friends', you know that's not what I meant".

Kaoru looked down at the floor with wide eyes. His mouth opened and closed over and over again. Kyoya almost wanted to kiss him on the cheek just to make him even more flustered because it was so amusing to him.

After a few seconds, Kaoru started to laugh. "I understand what you meant by precaution", Kaoru said and his laugh sounded more nervous now. "I do feel like running away now". Kyoya smirked and wrapped his arm around him. "Bastard", Kaoru said, still without looking at the older male.

"You're really cute like this", Kyoya mused.

"I have two black eyes, I don't see how that's cute", Kaoru murmured.

"Of course you don't", Kyoya said. "But back to the subject. I know that you like me".

"Cocky much?"

"You don't think I would know by now when someone likes me?" Kyoya grinned at him. "And are you really trying to tell me that you don't like me back?" Kyoya put his other hand on Kaoru's chest over his heart. "With the way your heart is beating right now? The little fellow in there is trying to signal all the way to space".

Kaoru chuckled and removed Kyoya's hand from his chest. "Yes, you are cocky. Truly". Kaoru sighed. "But I don't see what difference it makes. I mean, why would you date someone like me in a place like this? We can't get married, adopt kids - not that I think I want them- and we can't live in a nice house somewhere. No American dream for you. I don't think it would ever be allowed for me. Maybe I'll get those rights when I'm 90 and useless".

"I don't think that's the reason why you're pushing me away", Kyoya said. "I think you want to push me away to make things easier. You don't think we would last. Is it because of that secret that isn't in the files?" Kyoya couldn't accidentally let Kaoru know about the talk he had with Rai. He didn't think Kaoru would appreciate him playing a knight for him like that.

Kaoru looked shocked for a second before he chuckled again and finally looked at Kyoya. "Maybe. I honestly thought the file could have been enough for you to realize that you shouldn't stick your dick in crazy".

"I'm glad the other doctors have taught you well when it comes to language", Kyoya said with a hint of sarcasm. "I have definitely, as they say, 'stuck my dick' in crazy and it wasn't you. Frankly, I have done it more than once. One was a needy little thing who stalked me for a while. He turned out pretty scary for a tiny guy".

"How tiny?" Kaoru couldn't help but ask.

"4'11 feet I think. But he looked his age".

"Wow, I knew you had a fetish for tinier guys but... Must have been fun seeing him angry".

"Not when he was carrying sharp objects. But it was a little funny otherwise", Kyoya admitted and Kaoru laughed, a little unsure. "But anyway, I have read about all the horrible things you have been through and done. Somehow… I'm not scared away so I don't see how this other secret of yours is going to change anything".

"That's way too early for you to tell", Kaoru said sadly. "I can't believe you until you know everything that there is to know about me". Kaoru shook his head. "I want you to promise me one more thing".

"Do you want me to read another file?" Kyoya joked.

"No, haha. I want you to promise me to not talk about starting a relationship or something like that until after the announcement. You know, don't make any empty promises". Kaoru looked away once more and Kyoya grabbed his jaw gently to make him look at him again.

"I'm not coming with any empty promises", he said sternly. "I know what I have to give up to be with you and I want to give it a shot. But if I can't convince you now, I will promise you to not talk about it until the announcement. If that's what you want".

Kyoya had a feeling that Kaoru didn't expect them to ever talk about this ever again.

Kaoru nodded. "Thank you… and I think it's best if we keep the psychical contact to a minimum as well… to make things easier when we aren't… well, a we".

"That makes sense. Would defeat the purpose of why we aren't going to talk about a relationship, I assume". Kyoya removed his arm from around Kaoru's shoulders and he could clearly see that Kaoru was a little disappointed by that gesture. "The announcement is soon, correct? I'll probably be able to not jump you until then".

"Probably? Who of us is supposed to be the horny teenager here again?" Kaoru teased.

"Don't remind me that you're 17", Kyoya groaned. "But that does make it easier to stay away. Keep it going".

"Why? Is my age the only thing close to a deal-breaker here?" Kaoru sounded amused. "Don't you like them young, Ky-yo-ya".

"Tiny, not young. I'll be more comfortable with our age gap when you're eighteen. And don't say my name like that".

"What really is the difference between 17 and 18?"

"Are you trying to make me end it now?"

"End what?" Kaoru asked. "We're not together".

Both were silent for a few minutes after that. Kaoru decided to jump off the table after a while and turned to face Kyoya.

"So you need to go to sleep. You can truly rest now when you know that you deflowered me", he said, half mockingly. "Is there anything else you wanted to talk about?"

"Not what I can think of", Kyoya said and did his best to not look ashamed at how big of a deal he made the virgin lie out to be. "Your bruises are healing well, I see".

"It's only been about a week for the face, but yeah". Kaoru gave him a sad smile. "I'll see you around, Kyoya?"

"Yes, of course. You can go now".

Kaoru walked over to the entrance.

"Well, I… bye for now", he said before he disappeared.

It felt a little bit like they had just broken up even if, as Kaoru had pointed out, they never dated in the first place. Kyoya still felt hopeful that they could get over whatever Kaoru was hiding. He didn't like that their encounters had to stay platonic, but he respected and understood Kaoru's request. Maybe Kyoya could use their time of non-physical contact as an excuse to really have fun with Kaoru later. That thought made him smirk to himself.

Kyoya's thoughts then went to their conversation. At first, it had horrified him that he had taken Kaoru's virginity but now, after they had talked, he felt some sort of pride. Kyoya was the first and the only person to ever have Kaoru like that and he intended on keeping it that way. Maybe Kyoya was a little too proud of being Kaoru's first.

To say that Kyoya's exes were the only "crazy ones" when it came to his relationships was a little unfair. Kyoya knew that he could become a bit too possessive with the people he dated. His possessiveness made it more ironic that he could toss away people he just slept with like they were nothing. Kyoya had gotten better, he wasn't the same toxic person anymore who needed to know where his boyfriend was all the time. To be fair, his paranoia could partly be because of the number of times he had been cheated on. Still, almost beating up his boyfriend's uncle because he thought that he was a rival couldn't be excused by anything.

Despite the changes Kyoya had been through, he still obviously had some traces of his old self left. He had just threatened a man to stay away from Kaoru and was willing to overlook Kaoru's age despite his better judgment. Kyoya started to fear sometimes that the rules that only applied to the military base were starting to get to him. The rules that things that weren't okay in the outside world were okay there because the same consequences didn't exist. Rai beating people wouldn't be punished and Kyoya hooking up with a teenager wouldn't be punished, so why care? Kyoya didn't want to be compared to that disgusting man and, honestly, saying that he was the same as him might be a little unfair. However, the similarities still existed.

Kyoya walked back to his desk and sat down. It wasn't like he hadn't thought of himself as a bad person before (he had always known that he wasn't the most stable lover, for example), but it felt wrong to relate at all to Rai. They were nothing like each other, Kyoya would never hurt someone like that. He didn't even hit his crazy ex in self-defense because he couldn't live with punching someone he cared about (yes, he almost hit that uncle but he was a bit younger and would have regretted it for the rest of his life). The thought of hitting Rai even felt too much, no matter how angry he was with that old man… maybe he could in self-defense? Rai was an old crazy bodybuilder after all.

Kyoya picked up his paperwork again so he could get back to his duties, but it was hard to do anything with the thoughts he had in his head. All this time his pride had let him feel like he was the bigger and stronger person in their "relationship". Kaoru was a younger, inexperienced, boy who had been through horrible things, did dirty and morally bad work for the military, and had a lot of other flaws… but Kyoya wasn't much better like he had told himself that he was. A sick part of him knew that he liked the fact that he was going to be with a guy who couldn't leave or didn't have many cheating options a little too much. Did a good person really like knowing that their partner couldn't disappear on them no matter what? Kyoya had his issues as well, he knew it, but he was slowly working on it. Tamaki had said that he was getting better and Kyoya believed him. However, better didn't necessarily mean good.

Kyoya wanted to change the subject but instead of thinking about what he was supposed to be doing his mind immediately switched to what he was going to do to Kaoru when they could be together. Apparently, he had no problem thinking about dirty stuff just like that, which made his guilt and justified shame worse.

"Choosing between guilt or sex", Kyoya mused to himself. "Not a combination I'm unfamiliar with".

*******

Despite feeling even more crushed when Kaoru's fears were soon coming to fruition, he couldn't help but feel a warm feeling inside. Yes, it was just confirmed that both him and Kyoya would get their hearts broken after the announcement, but a part of him was so happy that Kyoya admitted that he liked him and wanted a real relationship. Of course, Kaoru had been somewhat aware of the older man's feelings but him saying that he wanted to be with him out loud was different.

This happiness was short-lived, Kaoru knew that, and this temporary warmth within him would soon turn colder than ever before. Knowing for sure what could have been would sting worse than his unproven thoughts he previously had. The reality was starting to hit him now already, but he tried his best to keep the happier thoughts in his head for just a little longer.

Kaoru forced the smile off his face when he entered the Boys' common room. Hikaru looked at him from his position on the couch and flew up immediately when Kaoru was close enough.

"Well? What was that all about?" Hikaru asked briskly.

Kaoru could tell that he had a lot of questions but didn't know in what order or how to properly word them in a way that could get him the most satisfying answers.

"My health is fine", Kaoru assured. "Kyoya just wanted to talk".

"Talk?" Hikaru repeated like the word was foreign to him. "Talk about what exactly?"

"No need to look so suspicious. He just wanted to solve a little… miscommunication". Kaoru really didn't want to bring up the whole virginity thing. Speaking of, It was truly a weird thing for Kyoya to fret over but it did move Kaoru that the older man had worried about how he didn't do things properly. "It was just a talk".

"I doubt he sent for you for just a talk". Hikaru crossed his arms. "You know you two could get caught, right? Especially in his office".

Kaoru's face turned into a light shade of pink. "We didn't have sex, Hikaru!" He whispered harshly; he didn't want anyone to hear. "I swear we were just talking. Do you think I'm that stupid to want to do it in his office?"

"You have been emotional and a little impulsive lately", Hikaru stated matter of factly and Kaoru glared at him.

"Not in that way. I have always been careful when it comes to these kinds of things". Kaoru sat down on the couch and sighed. "And before you accuse me of more stupid shit, we had a special kind of conversation".

"What kind of special?" Hikaru sounded very suspicious.

"He likes me and not in a non friendly way", Kaoru answered and Hikaru looked taken aback.

"Kaoru… ". Hikaru sighed. "You know-".

"Yes, I know that he and I won't be together in the future and that the heartbreak will hurt much more now", Kaoru said sadly. "But can I at least, for now, just be happy that he wants to be with me? Even if he could have anyone else? I need some sort of consolation, Hikaru. I've been stressed out of my mind".

Hikaru sighed again. He knelt down in front of his twin and placed his hands on Kaoru's knees.

"No, you have to do your best to forget him now", he said sternly. "You need to protect that wonderful heart of yours while it still beats for us. You can't let a break up with an old man ruin you. He wouldn't be good for you either way. He wants things you can't give him; a life together. You're not someone who could father his children, someone he could introduce to his family or someone he could take out on casual dates. You want things he can't give you as well".

"Like what? What could I possibly want that I won't find in him?" Kaoru spat at him. "I know that I have nothing to give him, but I'm pretty damn sure that isn't the case with him".

"He can't give you unconditional love, Kaoru. Not like I can", Hikaru said and Kaoru looked away from him. "Remember. I'm the only one who could love you no matter what. He can't do that and you know it. I care about you and this man is going to hurt you. I don't want to see you hurt".

Kaoru laughed bitterly. "It's a little too late for that isn't it", he murmured and looked back at Hikaru again. Hikaru could see that he was holding back tears. "Do I? … nevermind".

"No, what were you going to say?"

"Nothing, I don't have the energy right now", Kaoru said and Hikaru realized that it wasn't the time to pry (and he decided to actually not do it this time).

"Okay. Just remembered that I'm always here for you, alright?"

Kaoru nodded, not trusting himself to be able to say anything without crying. Hikaru smiled at him and removed his hands from his knees in favor of wrapping his arms around his middle instead. Kaoru returned the hug, but with a faraway look on his face.

"I need you to give me strength, Hikaru", Kaoru whispered.

"Of course, Kaoru", Hikaru whispered back. "You can always lean on me".

"Don't let me be alone after the announcement".

Hikaru's eyes widened. He grabbed Kaoru's shoulders and forced him to look into Hikaru's eyes.

"What the fuck is that supposed to mean!?"

"Jesus, calm down!" Kaoru exclaimed and pried some of Hikaru's fingers off him before his hard grip could give him bruises. "I didn't mean that I was going to kill myself! I meant that I really need you afterward to ease my pain and keep me sane".

"Yeah… that makes more sense". Hikaru said and let go of Kaoru's shoulders entirely. "It's just that you have been so down… I mean, I knew you were going to be depressed eventually, but I never knew how to prepare or exactly how you were going to act".

"Is there a certain reason why you would assume that I would still feel like shit even if I didn't go through this with Kyoya?"

"You want more than what the world can give you", Hikaru explained. "For example, you want a relationship and you want to always be useful. I always assumed that the latter one would be your downfall because you're so fixated on it… I guess you're technically going through both of those things at the same time… ".

"This is not going to be my downfall", Kaoru said sternly.

"Okay… ", Hikaru answered, not really convinced. "You want to go and lay down?"

Kaoru sighed and nodded, deciding to let the subject drop as well. "Yes… the other Boys are staring at us".

"They always stare, we are weird".

"True".

They both stood up and Hikaru grabbed Kaoru's hand.

"I'll be there for you... I'll be the one there for you", Hikaru said.

Kaoru nodded with a small appreciative smile on his face. Together they left the room, leaving everyone else in the room confused.

* * *

It didn't feel real, now when the day had come. Today their superiors would explain the recent development in their research and battle strategy (plus the future for the Boys). Kaoru felt really fucking nervous but he didn't let it show.

Kyoya had wanted to comfort him before the announcement by, for example, squeezing his hand when the Boys stopped briefly beside him before entering the assembly hall. However, Kaoru had, unsurprisingly, rejected all of his advances. Kyoya didn't seem offended by that because he knew why Kaoru was pushing him away, rather he was a little bit frustrated that he couldn't be there for him. Of course, the older male was still under the impression that they would get together after the announcement.

The twins and the rest of the Boys sat on matching chairs on the stage. They all looked way better than they usually did because the room would soon be filled with, not only people from this military base, but also other nice people. The boys had been cleaned up significantly; new temporary blue uniforms, products in their hair and someone even used a little bit of makeup to cover up the last of the bruising on Kaoru's face. It was all for show. Kaoru didn't complain because the normal bland clothes and cheap shampoo always left a little to be desired and he looked so much more awake and more like himself with makeup on. His hair was softer and more lively than usual, which was something he had not felt since he used Kyoya's shampoo (before Hikaru gave him shit for it). Kaoru wondered if Kyoya thought that he looked better as well.

People started to arrive and the room filled up quickly. The people who were not part of the base were easy to distinguish because they were the only ones who either looked at the Boys with curiosity or with condescension, while the others either quickly glanced at how out of the ordinary they looked or didn't pay them any attention at all. Kaoru's eyes wandered around the room until they landed on Kyoya who was only paying attention to his colleagues. Looking back at Kaoru would look weird after all.

Everyone was seated and the man at the podium, Grimes, cleared his throat so everyone would understand that it was time to begin and quiet down.

"Ladies and gentlemen, I thank you all for coming here today...", Grimes said and Kaoru discreetly rolled his eyes in boredom. No matter how nervous he was, a boring speech was a boring speech.

Kaoru zoned out for a while after that until Kubiki tapped on his and Hikaru's shoulders. Apparently, Grimes had stopped buttering up the audience and was finally coming to the important part.

"-The Zero virus has been damaging our society for a few generations now, but thanks to modern science we have been able to find ways to utilize them for profit". Very flattering speech so far, especially considering that there was at least one more publicly known Zero in the Boys. Kaoru could tell by one quick look that the known zero in question that he seemed more bored rather than offended by the words. You get used to some things after a while. "For years now, we have used zero powers in our espionage and interrogations only, since we were ordered to put down our combat zeros because of health concerns-". Classy, talking about them like they were animals. Those health concerns were the concerns that the combat zeros would rebel, which was understandable behavior for children being treated like shit. Everyone at the base knew that combat zeros were treated very inhumanly when they were a part of the military years ago. Kaoru wasn't sure if all of them were actually put down or if the sane and nice ones were just moved. Plus the term 'interrogation' Grimes used sure was a fancy word for 'torture'. To be fair, Grimes wasn't in charge when the combat zeros existed and he probably only sounded so harsh because he had to so maybe Kaoru shouldn't be so angry at him.

Kaoru looked at Kyoya again, who still didn't look back, and could see some confusion on his face. The doctor probably couldn't fathom how and when the 'earth-shattering' truth about Kaoru would come up. Kaoru didn't blame him. There were a lot of things Kyoya didn't know.

"As you might already be aware of, we have predominantly used the power of a zero that let us explore other individuals' memories. We have perfected the methods for years-". "Not well enough for people to stop going insane after a while", Kaoru thought bitterly. His heart was starting to beat faster now. "That zero has been a real asset to us and have been nothing but willing to help. However". There was a dramatic pause and Kaoru silently hated him for dragging this out. "Our access to that power is limited because we need live DNA to be able to use zero powers and we can't use that zero's DNA longer than that zero's lifespan… until now". The audience looked shocked. "We have managed to find a way to no longer require zeros' DNA to be able to use their powers. With a lot of research, we have found a way to replicate the zero who can explore other people's memories' DNA with the help of animal DNA and some specially made serum we have been working on for a long time. We have been trying this newest development in our research on a certain chosen participant for some time now and the results are the same as if we would have chosen the real DNA. Kaoru, stand up".

Kaoru was a little taken aback since no one had prepared him, but hesitantly stood up with good posture and his eyes staring out in the crowd. He made sure that he looked professional and not at all like he was about to pee his pants. Kaoru also refused to look at Kyoya this time around, who probably thought that he knew where things were going.

The man turned to Kaoru. "Formally introduce yourself, boy". He turned back to the audience. Kaoru thought that he knew what the man wanted him to say and he felt like he was about to throw up.

"I'm Kaoru and… and I'm one of the soldiers in the memory exploration team… and I'm also the zero that utilizes this power and I can 100 percent confirm that their experiments have achieved the goal of mimicking my powers perfectly. So the n-need for me to contribute with my own abilities is no longer there. But I'll obviously still help my country any way I can".

People clapped and Kaoru bowed and sat down, still not looking at Kyoya. He wanted to run out of there and either cry, throw up or do both at the same time. But he had to stay. He didn't need to see the expression on Kyoya's face to know what he was feeling: disgust, disbelief, betrayed.


	5. Over

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I don't care to drag it out. I'm posting one day early because I'll be too busy tomorrow. Not that anyone cares but I am holding myself to a standard just for my sake.
> 
> Ugh, I keep mixing up "empathize" and "emphasize". If you see a random "empathize" then you now know why. I also constantly misspell "colleague". God help me.
> 
> Also, I might not update next Monday. Things to do but we will see.

**Chapter 5. Over.**

Shinohara led Kyoya into their shared office space. "Your patient will be here with you soon", he explained. "We usually only take blood and do normal checkups on them. The boys have to be in good condition". Like merchandise.

"We don't do much here", Kyoya commented and Shinohara chuckled.

"If that was a problem you should have chosen work ethics before money and exposure", Shinohara shrugged.

They heard someone laugh loudly from one of the "offices". Shinohara also laughed.

"Jackson! What are you doing to your patient over there? Tickling him?"

Jackson poked his head out of the door.

"No, Jiro is high on morphine. Apparently he fell down the stairs earlier today".

"He sure is making a lot of noise", Shinohara commented.

"We can switch if you want to", Jackson shot back and disappeared back inside again. His patient, Jiro, sounded rather offended that Jackson said that and Jackson had to assure the drugged boy that it was a joke and "please just give me the syringe back".

**" … Zero scum… ".**

Kyoya hoped that his patient wouldn't be like that. Yes, Kyoya knew that Jiro probably didn't act like this normally, so it was unfair to assume that this was the general behavior.

Working with "kids" wasn't really something Kyoya would have preferred but this job had good pay, gave good references to add to his resumé, gave him a free room and time to be on his own. Working in such a small and confined place let him just focus on business rather than life or just another warm body that forced himself into his life.

Shinohara showed Kyoya where he was going to work.

"If Jackson is busy then the other ones are on their way… I have to go and mentally prepare myself for Hikaru". It seemed like Shinohara said the last part to himself rather than to Kyoya.

The new doctor didn't know this "Hikaru" but it felt safe to rationalize that he was lucky to not have that patient.

"Then I guess I'll meet you later?" Kyoya asked and Shinohara nodded with a small forced smile. Kyoya wondered why Hikaru received such a negative reaction from his own doctor.

"Yes. Good luck with your first day on the job". Shinohara patted Kyoya's shoulder before disappearing.

It appeared that Shinohara didn't just wish him good luck because he was new… but that he was also meeting with someone who was a handful. Kyoya hoped that he was just misunderstanding the intent.

Kyoya trudged into his cubicle and placed himself down on his surprisingly comfortable office chair, waiting. The brief medical file he had read previously told him that the patient's name was Kaoru (no surname, but the first name suggested that the male might have been from Japan). The file also obviously told Kyoya about Kaoru's blood type and state of health from both a physical and a psychological perspective. Which both seemed to be completely fine. Kyoya skipped reading about age, height or other doctors' comments because he didn't find it relevant. He would find out the most important things during their first meetings. He wasn't the person who would take care of real injuries and such after all. Yes, this was lazy, especially from him, but his expertise was mostly not needed and that didn't exactly motivate him.

After a few minutes of twirling a new pencil between his fingers, a young male (maybe around 20 years of age) appeared with bright orange messy hair and amber eyes. He was dressed in a white t-shirt and shorts… that didn't properly cover numerous scars that were all over his arms and in patches on his legs. That made Kyoya raise an eyebrow in confusion. Those could either be scarification as a body modification or a less common form of self-harm. Kyoya suspected that the latter option was more likely so he didn't understand why the file said that Kaoru had no psychological issues. Well, that was not his problem. Overall, the young male was quite handsome but his appearance made him second guess the previous assumption about his nationality. Natural red hair wasn't common in Japan at all, perhaps the boy wasn't actually Japanese? Other physical traits suggested that he was indeed of east Asian descent so he might just have been allowed to dye his hair.

"Good morning, doctor". The young male had a huskier voice than what Kyoya had expected. "You're Ootori I assume?" Kaoru strolled further into the room and sat down on the examination table with an expectant look on his face.

"Yes I am, and you're Kaoru", Kyoya stated with an almost flat voice while adjusting his glasses. "Aren't you supposed to shake someone's hand when you first meet them? That's not very proper of you". There was just a little hint of teasing in his voice.

Kyoya didn't actually care about being proper with people like Kaoru because he had an inclination that it would make him be taken less seriously by the younger male. And just being a punching bag the entire time wasn't the ideal patient-doctor meeting.

Kaoru smirked and switched to Japanese. "You don't actually care. Nothing about you suggests that you want to be cordial with me, doctor. So I don't see why I need to be cordial back".

"Is that so?" Kyoya answered back, also in Japanese, smirking back in mild amusement. "Your Japanese is quite good. Half?"

"Yes, I'm 'half'. Did my hair give that away?" Kaoru said and twirled his red locks with his fingers before switching back to English. "Thanks, I talk Japanese sometimes when I'm alone with my brother, even if he prefers to speak English… we're not allowed to... speak anything that isn't English around other people".

Kyoya switched language as well.

"So you respect those rules but not common courtesy?"

"You and they are two different kinds of things", Kaoru pointed out. "I mean, what could 'you' possibly do to me if I'm not obeying you?" Kaoru sent him a playful wink to emphasize the obvious innuendo before he crackled at his own joke.

For some reason that didn't come off as obnoxious or annoying. Kyoya knew that he was enjoying the company a little too much but he didn't dwell too much on it.

**" … but I should have… ".**

"I'm going to take some blood today", Kyoya explained, cutting their banter short, and he assembled his equipment. "And a small check up to see that everything is alright. Then you can leave and do whatever you are supposed to do".

Kaoru pouted. "Oh? Straight to business now? You're no fun anymore".

"I'm not supposed to be 'fun'", Kyoya reminded him and walked over to him with the equipment. "I'm only here to work, not to entertain you or be your friend".

Kaoru didn't look as disappointed as Kyoya had expected.

"Good". Kaoru shrugged and his nonchalant nature was sincere. "Then I can finally have a doctor that stays out of my business", Kaoru mused while scratching a scab on his arm. Kyoya noted that it looked like a name had been carved in there. "Not that there is much to know about my business anyway".

**" … liar… ".**

"Just don't change your mind and become clingy", Kyoya remarked sarcastically with a hint of seriousness.

Kaoru rolled his eyes; still looking amused. "Oh please. Who do you think I am?-"

**" … a liar!... ".**

"-I don't throw myself at people. If anything, it sounds like you are the one who needs to be reminded not to get clingy. Because you were way too quick with accusing me".

"Are you really trying to use the 'smelt it dealt it' logic here?" Kyoya asked, rather amused. "Because that's not how it works".

"But the 'everyone is generally obsessed with me' logic was flawless when you told me not to be clingy?" Kaoru retorted with a small chuckle.

"Touché", Kyoya mumbled and no one added anything to the conversation while he took Kaoru's blood and checked him to see if everything was alright with his body. Kaoru still managed to tease him throughout by jokingly being flirtatious just to mess with him. Kyoya just reciprocated with annoyed looks, which only made Kaoru laugh. If Kyoya believed in God then he would have thought that he was being tested at that moment. Kyoya was not going to backtrack on his previous statement, he wasn't going to sleep with anyone for now (if Kaoru actually wanted that of course, it could just be a joke and nothing more).

**" …How naive I was… ".**

During the examination, Kyoya stumbled upon more and more scarring but it wasn't his "business" to ask about it. Even though it was interesting to see that all of the scars resembled words and numbers rather than straight lines. Kyoya was quite a young doctor, but through all of his years of practicing his profession, he hadn't seen self-harm like this before. Yes, he had seen people write names before (usually names of ex-lovers) but not like this.

Kyoya declared that he was done and started to put away his equipment. Kaoru yawned and jumped off the table. He smiled at Kyoya as he walked past him.

"See you next time, doctor!" Kaoru exclaimed with a small wave before exiting the office space. Kyoya would have been a liar if he said that he didn't enjoy looking at him when he walked away...

...

Kyoya was planted on the chair in his room; looking at his phone like it would burn him if he touched it. He needed to make the call, he needed help to sort out his conflicting and confusing thoughts. But calling would equate to admitting defeat; defeat for not being able to do this on his own.

...

At first, Kyoya had been confused. Then he was in denial and then absolutely furious. He felt dirty and wronged. How could he have been so blind? Of course Kaoru was a fucking zero! His scars didn't come from a side effect from the serum, it was his own zero sacrifices! The serum was made with Kaoru's blood! The blood that Kyoya helped provide. How dare Kaoru lie to him like that? How dare he make Kyoya fall for him just to drag him through the shit like this? It had been proven a significant amount of times that Kyoya wasn't made to be in a sane relationship, of course a dangerous zero would come his way…

Kyoya stood outside of the auditorium, fuming with rage. His colleges assumed he reacted in this manner because he was Kaoru's doctor, so he didn't fear that he would accidentally give his real thoughts away. Kyoya was kind of known as the doctor who really disliked zeros after all. Now he felt like he needed to go back to his room and scrub himself as clean as possible until even the sheer memory of the younger male's touch on his skin was gone.

Rosengard poked his right shoulder to get his attention. Kyoya looked at him who pointed at the entrance to the auditorium. Hikaru was walking towards them, not looking any happier than Kyoya was feeling. Kyoya was about to give him a piece of his mind when Hikaru cut him off.

"I'm not here to fight", Hikaru assured him. "I hope this is our last conversation", Hikaru raised his hands up in surrender for a few seconds before lowering them again. At first, Kyoya wanted to just walk away but the encouraging look from Shinohara made him stay.

Not wanting to risk his colleagues finding out what he and Kaoru had been up to, Kyoya turned to them and said: "I promise not to start a commotion. But I think it's better if we two talked in private". Some doctors walked away immediately while some lingered a little longer before leaving. Always curious Rosengard was the last one to go. Kyoya sighed. "You have five minutes".

"I know you want to scream at or beat my brother up", Hikaru said.

"I'm not an abusive asshole. I don't harm people", Kyoya corrected, coldly. Raising his voice at Kaoru was a possibility but he would never physically hurt him no matter how enraged he was.

"And you weren't going to leave Kaoru no matter what either. Which both he and I knew was bullshit anyway".

"I didn't intend to do that but I didn't intend on fucking a disgusting zero either", Kyoya hissed at him.

They glared at each other. Kyoya swore that he saw real murderous intent in Hikaru's eyes. However, Hikaru forced himself to calm down, or at least appear calm. It surprised Kyoya because Hikaru wasn't someone who would avoid any reason to tell Kyoya off.

"I'm not here to fight", Hikaru maintained with a heavy sigh. This time it sounded more like he was saying it to himself rather than repeating it to Kyoya. "I'm here with you now because I'm the only person in this world who loves and cares about my brother. Like I said before, I know you probably want to confront him about keeping this from you, even if both of you would have suffered from consequences if he had. You know, this being classified information and all. But instead of doing that, can't you instead pretend that you don't know him? Pretend like he was never anything to you? You both could just go on with your lives if you acted like you never had anything".

Kyoya raised an eyebrow at him.

"He isn't some sort of victim here, Hikaru. He should have stayed away from me from the start. This could have been prevented".

"I agree that he shouldn't have gotten closer to the likes of you to begin with", Hikaru said with a mean grin. "But he is a child. Like you probably prefer, you fucking pedo. Children, they make mistakes and it's not like he gave you a disease or something. He didn't fake his feelings for you but he'll definitely get over you. I promise you that. If you two act professionally towards each other, it would be better for the both of you. I don't know for how long you intend on working here now but wouldn't it make the time you have left here more bearable?" Kyoya looked thoughtful and unsure so Hikaru continued. "I swear that both he and I won't talk to you unless we have to and that we won't spread any negative things about you… no matter how much I hate you". It truly looked like Hikaru was in pain when he said that. "So we leave you alone if you leave us alone. Deal?"

"Alright, but-".

"Good. Then goodbye stranger". Hikaru turned around swiftly and walked back to the entrance. Kyoya just now realized that there's where Kaoru stood. The boy was facing a completely different direction, his eyes were glued to the ground and he looked awful. Not awful as in ugly. He looked terrified and like his spirit had been broken. The Pride and confidence he had worn on stage were now long gone. Either he finally realized the reality of the situation or it had just been a front. The angry part of Kyoya wanted, no needed, the first option to be the correct one so he could enjoy the pain, but he knew Kaoru better than that.

Hikaru gently took Kaoru's hand and led him away. Kaoru didn't look at Kyoya the entire time but Kyoya couldn't help but glare daggers at him until he disappeared from view.

...

Kyoya finally picked up the phone and dialed the number. He didn't have to wait long at all for the other person to pick up. Just like Kyoya had expected.

"Mon Ami!" A grating voice bellowed in Kyoya's ear.

"Alright, it was a pleasure talking to you-".

"No Kyoya don't hang up! You never call me!" Kyoya swore that he heard Tamaki sob at the end.

Kyoya pinched the bridge of his nose and groaned. So far this wasn't helping at all.

"You say that every week. I call you more than I call anyone else and this is even the second time this week… ".

"Oh, you're right!" Tamaki exclaimed and Kyoya groaned again and begged him not to yell. To Kyoya's surprise, Tamaki seemed to actually calm down a little. "Have something happened?"

"Yes, I guess".

"That rhymed".

"Not in the mood right now, Tamaki. I need to ask you something and I don't want too many questions back".

"Whaaa? But I'm curious now!"

"That's unfortunate. I'll explain some other time but now I need to sort my thoughts out. Can you help me?"

Tamaki made a confused strangled noise at the other end of the phone. It wasn't often that Kyoya asked for genuine help.

"Oh-of course!" Tamaki yelled out of nowhere, which startled Kyoya.

"Okay, don't make me regret asking you for help now… I don't quite know how to word this in a good way but here it goes… well, I have known someone for quite some time now. Someone who has been very nice but very secretive-".

"Just like you then?"

"Don't interrupt me".

"Sorry!" Tamaki cried.

"Anyway. Imagine that you're friends with someone you truly care about -don't make that sound, I can care about people- Anyway, you care about him and… ".

"And? Please just tell me!"

"And it turned out that he was a zero". Tamaki was completely silent. He didn't even gasp or make one of his strangled noises again. "And you don't quite know what to do…".

Tamaki managed to finally speak up after being silent for so long that Kyoya assumed that he had a short circuit.

"What are… what are you feeling right now?" Was the words he managed to push out.

"Betrayed, angry, disgusted… but it's also… hard for me to not continue to care. I should just be feeling all those negative feelings, right? I mean he lied about something so huge. I can't say I don't hate him right at this moment".

"I don't… I don't know I-". Tamaki stuttered while searching for the right words to say. He settled on finding out more. Maybe that would help him guide Kyoya through the mess inside Kyoya's head? "How did you find out? Did he break down and finally confess?"

"No, he wasn't allowed to tell me. It was announced by someone else, someone who had the right to tell. I haven't talked to him since before the announcement. I was furious but I have calmed down a little. I am still angry, of course, but I can use the ability to think and reason now".

"So he couldn't have told you even if he wanted to?"

Kyoya was just about to say that he highly doubted that Kaoru would ever tell him when he remembered that saying that would be incorrect and downright dishonest. Kaoru had been really stressed and disheveled and was fully convinced that Kyoya would leave him after the announcement. Of course Kaoru would have wanted it out faster… still, that did not matter.

"Yes, but he should have stayed away from me before I started to care about him. He knew how I felt about zeros".

Again Kyoya remembered that Kaoru did in fact try to put distance between them when Kaoru (supposedly) realized that it wouldn't work for them. But the fact remained that Kaoru shouldn't have tried to seduce him from the beginning (or responded to Kyoya's own flirtatious advances).

"Maybe he really likes you and couldn't think logically?" Tamaki suggested, always the hopeless romantic. "I agree that being friendly with you from the beginning wasn't the best idea… But are you sure that you would have let him go if he tried to leave you?"

"What do you mean by that?"

"Well, you do get attached to special people. You get attached rather intensely. Would you truly have accepted it if he just stopped wanting to be with you?"

Kyoya was silent. Partly because he didn't like that Tamaki could tell that this wasn't about just a friend and partly because he knew that he wouldn't in fact have accepted it if Kaoru had just told him that he didn't want to be with him anymore. Obviously, Kyoya wouldn't take on drastic measures like forcing himself on Kaoru or locking him up but he knew that he was a very persistent person when it came to his relationships. Another thing he needed to work on since he never knew when to give up on a sinking ship.

Tamaki seemed to realize that Kyoya wasn't going to answer any time soon so he continued: "Is this friend violent or evil or anything like what people say that zeros are?"

"Well, no… he… was the one who was beaten up and didn't defend himself… because he thought that he deserved it, at least the second time". Kaoru really wasn't any of those things. Sure, there were things in his files that showed that the boy was completely capable of doing horrible things… but he didn't do any of that anymore. But maybe Kaoru had faked his whole personality? Maybe he wasn't the sweet and sarcastic boy that always liked to flirt with him? Maybe he was actually violent and evil… no, he wasn't. Kyoya had seen so much human in that boy. Kaoru couldn't have faked his personality 24/7, no one could.

Kyoya continued before Tamaki got the chance to respond: "But his zero powers have nothing to do with combat. It's not like he could have attacked me with them… ".

"Most Zeros don't have powers for attacking", Tamaki reminded him quietly. "At least not from what I have heard. Did the Zero act smug or something like that when you got to know the truth?"

"No, he looked quite devastated. But him having a shred of a conscience doesn't matter".

"Do you really hate him?" Tamaki, quite bluntly, finally asked him. Kyoya was taken aback by the question. "Do you? It doesn't sound like you actually do. You wouldn't have called me nor would you have defended him before talking badly about him again".

Kyoya didn't know what to answer. Did he really hate Kaoru? He hated to admit it, but Tamaki was right that he wasn't exactly convincing himself. He still wanted to be around Kaoru and he still did care about him greatly. But he was also so damn mad at him. Even if he knew that Kaoru couldn't have told him sooner and Kyoya couldn't actually be mad at the guy for wanting to be with him as much as possible before the truth came out. At least not without Kyoya being a massive hypocrite. Kyoya knew damn well that he would have done the same thing, maybe even have sex as much as possible instead of refusing to touch the other person as Kaoru did.

"I… ", Kyoya started without knowing what he actually wanted to tell his oldest friend. Some things were significantly easier to say than others.

The confusing truth was leaving him with a bitter taste in his mouth, but if he continued to try to swallow it down he would eventually choke.

"Or do you just want to hate him?" Kyoya froze. "This is something I have been thinking about during this conversation. Don't kill me for suggesting this! Do you actually hate zeros or is it just something he does?" Kyoya's blood started to boil as a cold shiver went down his spine.

"What are you talking about now, Tamaki?" Kyoya asked, but it was clearly a warning.

He could hear his best friend gulp nervously on the other end.

"I-I mean… A lot of things you have claimed to hate turned out to just be things he hated. That could still be the case after all these years. You used to hate homosexual people and now you have had it with every-".

"Are you really calling me a whore right now?" Kyoya warned and Tamaki yelped and started to apologize profusely. "Why would I ever care about that man's opinion?"

"An old ha-habit?" Tamaki suggested. "Loo-look I am afraid of zeros as well but I wouldn't have been if I were you".

"And why the hell is that?"

"B-because you got to see one of them as a human".

Kyoya was once again speechless. He wanted to argue against Tamaki, he really did. However... Tamaki was unfortunately most likely correct with his assumption. Kyoya did really want to hate Kaoru even if nothing about him made him easy to hate. Kaoru was still caring, funny, (unfortunately) self-hating, ambitious, brave… and human. Did Kyoya want to hate him because of his own strong dislike of zeros? Or was his strong dislike just influenced by what he had been taught? It didn't matter how long time had passed… Kyoya was, still to some extent, that man's slave… was he really gonna let his issues ruin something that could be really good for him? Was walking away really the right choice to make? But could he really get over this massive obstacle? Kaoru having been a virgin wasn't a big thing, but this really was.

"Kyoya?" Tamaki called, although he already knew that the conversation was over. "At least think about it, okay? Does it really change things?" Kyoya still didn't answer. "I'll hear from you later! Good luck!" And with that Tamaki hung up.

Kyoya was typically the one who had to find ways to make the other male shut up so he could end the call; this thoroughly surprised him. But this was a special occasion after all.

Kyoya put down the phone and crossed his arms as he stared down at the ground. He really did need to think about this because he was even more confused now! He wasn't sure anymore which feelings were his own and which were actually that man's. Deep down Kyoya didn't want to stay away from Kaoru. Kaoru might have been lying to him, but it wasn't like Kaoru had a choice. If only Kaoru's secret could have been anything else! Kyoya had read about all the horrible things Kaoru had carried out but this was pushing it even if Kyoya didn't hate him or think he was disgusting. Kyoya still felt fear and didn't know if he could properly trust the boy ever again. Kaoru might not be aggressive, evil or prone to violence, but he still had a very powerful power that made Kyoya unbearably uncomfortable. Zeros needed to use their powers (which would be fine as long as Kaoru continued to use it during missions) but what if Kaoru used it on Kyoya? What if he already had used it on Kyoya without his knowledge?

The thought of anyone trying to dig into his memories made his blood boil, but Kaoru had never shown that he knew anything about Kyoya that Kyoya hadn't told him. Maybe Kaoru was just very sneaky about it? Even if Kyoya could get over the fact that Kaoru was a zero, being with someone who could easily get to know about your secrets like that didn't sit well with him.

"Isn't that hypocritical? I mean, I know all kinds of things about him… I mean, I don't think he deserves to know anything about me at the moment… but I never planned on telling him anything anyway".

Kyoya hadn't thought about how hypocritical his actions actually were. He wanted and made sure to know everything he could about Kaoru but he never shared too private things with Kaoru in return. Yes, Kaoru knew more about him and had seen a sweeter side of him that not many had, but Kaoru didn't know about the man, what a bad boyfriend Kyoya had been previously to people or about why he only had one friend...

A part of Kyoya felt relieved that he hadn't shared those things with a monster, but another part of him told him that he was just using that as an excuse. The only big lie Kaoru kept from him was not a secret by choice while Kyoya actively kept things from him out of fear. Kaoru really didn't owe Kyoya shit when it came to his personal life now when Kyoya actually thought about it. Kaoru had never demanded to know anything back… maybe he thought that he didn't deserve to know? Kyoya had always been distant in a way. He couldn't even handle someone touching him on certain parts of his body during sex because it felt too intimate!

"No, don't feel bad. Kaoru didn't deserve to know anything. It's good that you didn't open up because he messed everything up", He thought to himself.

Kyoya sighed and decided to walk down to his office and do some work instead of thinking about this nonsense.

"Stop feeling bad, stop caring".

* * *

Kaoru was laying down on his bed with his back facing Hikaru. He was a complete mess. He only stopped crying recently and the waterworks could switch on again with the slightest push. Hikaru had tried to comfort him to the best of his abilities but there wasn't much he could actually do. Some well chosen words couldn't delete feelings. He hated seeing his brother like this but it was unavoidable in the path Kaoru had taken.

If Kaoru hadn't been so devastated and in the heat of his emotional turmoil, Hikaru would have liked to ask him if it was worth it. Not in a mean way, Hikaru wanted to know if Kaoru would ever risk doing something like this again. Seeing his brother hurt, especially to this extent, was obviously not something Hikaru wanted to ever experience again so he hoped that this really wasn't worth it.

"I-is there a way to remove th-this?" Kaoru weakly asked.

It caught Hikaru's attention.

It took Hikaru a second to understand what he meant. He wouldn't have understood at all if it wasn't for the fact that they were so close.

"You can't remove this feeling, no. I'm sorry", Hikaru consoled (?) with a genuine apologetic smile. "That's not your power", he added.

Kaoru laughed while new and fresh tears slowly fell down his face.

"You mean like, allegedly, the power that Ji-Hu had? Boy I'm jealous of him now… but at the same time I'm not".

"What's that supposed to mean?"

"Well, I hate how this hurts but me feeling like this just shows that at least my feelings are r-real", Kaoru explained with a sniffle. "I'm not a monster like he thinks I am". Kaoru lied face down in his pillow to choke his sobs.

That last part did bewilder Hikaru. At first, when Kaoru mentioned that it meant that his feelings for Kyoya were real, Hikaru's blood boiled, but he was taken aback by the monster comment. But he quickly started to feel pride. Yes, Kaoru was extremely sad and broken-hearted but he still knew that he had some worth. Kaoru didn't believe that Kyoya was completely right about him or "his kind". That was a good sign. Hikaru loathed the fact that Kaoru was hurt and that he was hurt because he had feelings for somebody, but Kaoru would be able to get over this eventually and hopefully never try to do this ever again.

Hikaru sat down next to Kaoru on Kaoru's bed and started to gently comb through his twin's hair with his fingers. The red locks were lifeless and greasy, but he didn't mind. Hikaru wanted to give the comfort Kaoru needed but at the same time, he just wanted to talk shit about Kyoya and make sure that Kaoru stopped caring about that piece of shit and promised to never try to get into a relationship for the rest of his life. Which was something he thought was for Kaoru's best interests (and his own) but it was too early to make Kaoru think logically. Right now he just needed to let out all of his emotions.

"That bastard really doesn't deserve you, you know", Hikaru murmured. It was a point he had repeated several times during the past hour. He thought that Kaoru maybe would start to believe it if he heard it enough times. "You are so sweet and kind… he is obviously pretty stupid if he decides to work in an environment where he could potentially meet Zeros. I don't understand why he started to work here in the first place if he was so close-minded-".

"I think he wanted to escape". Kaoru lifted his face slightly from the pillow. "I don't know from". Kaoru buried his face in the pillow again.

"So he is a stupid coward", Hikaru decided. "Anyway, you know deep down that he just wanted someone to control. You can't really go anywhere and he can't handle someone who is possibly stronger than him. Your powers aren't combat or assassination, your powers are spy-type. The only reason for him to be afraid of you is that he is terrified of you knowing anything about him and he can't let you know anything about your owner".

"He didn't fucking own me and I did know shit about him".

"Know what? What do you actually know about him? How many actual secrets do you really know?" Kaoru was silent. "He wanted to just play with you until he was ready for an actual relationship".

"But he-".

"People lie, Kaoru. You should know that. I bet he has told really fucked up lies to get into little boys' pants before".

Kaoru wanted to defend Kyoya despite everything but he started to wonder. Kyoya had told him about having crazy exes… but what if Kyoya was a crazy ex himself? Maybe the guy who wanted to stab Kyoya was actually mentally abused and manipulated by him until he broke? Obviously, Kaoru wasn't going to label Kyoya as an abusive fuck just like that but he couldn't just ignore the possibility. No matter how sweet Kyoya's words had been. If everywhere you went smelt like shit, look under your shoe.

"Why, Why would I ev-ever think that I w-wouldn't be a-alone?" Kaoru sobbed. "I mean I know that he would l-leave ev-e-eventually but… at the start… I thought-".

"Like I've said before, you're never going to be alone", Hikaru assured. "You're not alone just because you don't have a boyfriend. You have me here, remember? I'm all you need and you're all I need. I understand you and you understand me. Fuck him and fuck boys".

Kaoru chuckled and used the back of his hand to wipe his wet cheek.

"You better never fucking leave me now".

Hikaru laughed.

"You bet your ass I won't".

Kaoru laughed before his smile disappeared again.

"Am I weak for being this affected?"

"No, I believe this is normal", Hikaru assured. "He broke your heart yesterday, you're allowed to be sad. You're even allowed to be sad for the next week".

"That's weird coming from you", Kaoru commented with a small chuckle.

Hikaru raised an eyebrow.

"And why is that? I care about you?"

"Not more than your need to have things your way… don't be mad at me for saying this, be honest. You would never have been able to handle Kyoya being with me even if he made me the happiest guy on earth… you probably would have hated him even more if that was that was the case".

Hikaru wanted to either argue or just laugh Kaoru's comment off but he did have enough self-awareness to know that Kaoru was completely right. He didn't like that Kaoru claimed that he cared about things going his own way more than he cared for Kaoru but… or was Kaoru actually correct about that? Hikaru wanted to disagree but he didn't like the fact that someone else could make Kaoru happy… someone that wasn't Hikaru. That's selfish, isn't it?

Kaoru interrupted his thoughts when he sat up.

"I'm sorry for blasting you when you're just trying to comfort me… I think I need to take a walk and calm down to collect my thoughts. Thank you for helping me". Hikaru told him that of course he would help him as the younger twin stood up and walked to the door.

"Don't forget to treat him like a stranger if you see him!" Hikaru reminded him.

"Yeah, I know. Don't worry about it!", Kaoru called back before leaving the room.

Kaoru really appreciated his twin's help, he really did, but he knew that Hikaru wasn't the best person when it came to boy troubles. If Kaoru and Kyoya would have been happily dating by now then Hikaru would have suggested (demanded) a break up every time they had an argument. Yes, the situation was different because they weren't an item but still, Kaoru really didn't want to shit talk Kyoya at the moment. Kaoru wanted someone to tell him that he did indeed fuck up this time, but at the same time that it was fine. He didn't want someone of the opinion that Kaoru was innocent. Kaoru wasn't innocent, he got together with someone under false pretenses. He already knew that Kyoya wasn't okay with zeros and he still decided to be with him. Kaoru felt absolutely disgusted with himself for basically tricking Kyoya to sleep with and fall for him. It wouldn't surprise him if Kyoya felt violated now. Kyoya probably felt like he fucked an animal or something and Kaoru couldn't blame him. For the older male, Kaoru was something filthy.

A thought quickly passed through his distressed mind; for a moment he considered going over to Rai and making him angry so he could get beat up again, but he immediately shot that scary thought down. Why the hell did he think like that!? Was he really going to start thinking about these things every time something bad occurred? No, he refused to be like that! He didn't deserve to be that hurt just because he fucked up.

Distracted by his own thoughts, Kaoru accidentally walked into someone. He apologized profusely and looked up; it was Duncan (he thought), one of the Boys. They hadn't really talked before but Kaoru knew who he was. He was one of the newest ones, so he hadn't started to descend into madness from the side effects of utilizing Kaoru's Zero powers yet. Kaoru hadn't really looked forward to meeting any of the Boys since the announcement (most of them hadn't known that he was a zero before), but he had to face them eventually. He decided to be as casual as possible.

"Walk of shame?" Kaoru asked as it was the most plausible explanation for Duncan being there, and the blond boy laughed in return while scratching his neck.

"Yeah, I guess. And you?"

"No… well, I am ashamed and walking but it's not the same thing", Kaoru explained and Duncan laughed harder.

"You're a funny guy, as well as cute… I almost think that I can get it up again".

Kaoru laughed harder than he had done in a long time.

"Thanks. I'm glad that I can make your dick hard", Kaoru remarked sarcastically before his mood dropped again. "But… isn't that a weird thing to say to me?"

"Yeah you're right. I guess it's not a socially acceptable thing to say out loud to someone you barely know and if you were someone else you would have slapped me". Duncan laughed nervously. "I have some problems when it comes to the social stuff. Thanks for taking it well. I'm sorry".

"You're welcome but that's not what I meant… I mean, I'm a zero after all… the zero who is responsible for the memory diving, I mean".

"I assume you already know that I, as one of the boys, can't possibly dislike you for being the second known Zero among us-".

"Third", Kaoru added. Duncan looked astounded at first before realization hit him.

"Ah Yeah, of course, that would make more sense", Duncan concluded. "Anyway, I assume you are actually concerned about our reactions because Boys have reacted badly before? To you being the zero with the memory diving powers, I mean". Kaoru nodded slowly. "I can kind of guess then why they kept it secret… I have wondered, what did they make you drink? We all drank your serum- that didn't sound right- to be able to do our missions but what did they give you to trick us? Milk and water?" It was hard to conclude if Duncan knew about the side effects or if he just rationalized that the Boys had attacked him because of personal prejudice against zeros.

"That's a really close guess". Kaoru gave him a small smile. "It's milk and a clear activator. If you know what that is"

"Yeah! It's a serum they use to be able to forcibly activate your powers, right? Kind of the opposite of a stopper? The serum they use to forcibly stop you from using your powers".

"You are correct. It tastes like piss and milk makes it worse for some reason? It's a bearable concoction with the correct dosage".

"Maybe you're lactose intolerant as well?" Duncan suggested. "Maybe you just also react badly to milk. Not that I'm 100 percent sure what it means to be lactose intolerant".

"Maybe… if my doctor didn't hate me then now I could have asked him to look that up", Kaoru thought out loud, with a somber look on his face.

"Please don't look so sad. If he hates you then it's his own damn fault", Duncan insisted angrily. "It's all semantics anyway. Technically I'm just as bad as you because I've used your powers for a while now. He can literally use your powers if he takes the same serum. It's not that big of a difference between us when you think about it".

Kaoru looked at him with wide eyes. The fact that it was hypocritical that normal people had used the exact same powers as zeros without being stigmatized had simply not occurred to him before. Duncan and the rest of the Boys had basically been acting like zeros for years. The only difference was that Kaoru was born with the powers and could control them a tiny bit more while the others took supplements. The others could just use the powers when it was convenient to them without the same outrage… but was that actually the only difference? No, there were more differences but that's the most significant one Kaoru could come up with.

"I wouldn't worry about the other Boys if I were you". Duncan cut his thoughts short. "We have talked about it and decided that you're still the same half of the weird twins as you have always been… or now I see now that you're fun to be around on your own. When your brother isn't looking at us like we're trying to steal what's his".

"I'm glad that I have your guys' support". Kaoru decided to not address what Duncan said about Hikaru.

"Yeah. Don't worry, you make my dick hard no matter if you're like us or a zero". Kaoru laughed again. He wouldn't be surprised if he was a little pink in the face as well. He wasn't exactly used to this kind of blatant flirting. His only real experiences with romance were with Kyoya and yes he was blunt, but not like this. "I might be a little too tired right now but if you ever want to see exactly how hard you make me some other time then I'm all for it".

"I'm really flattered… and completely sure that these kinds of words have earned you a slap or two from me in the past".

Duncan chuckled and scratched his neck again.

"Maaaybee. But the offer still stands".

It was a tempting offer, especially now when Kaoru wasn't a virgin anymore. However, it felt wrong. Having sex to cope with the turmoil could be considered a good thing for many, but he still had feelings for Kyoya and it felt wrong to do anything with anyone else… especially when he was trying to cope with this turmoil!

"Thanks but… I am in a weird headspace right now and I want to make sure that I make decisions that I would make even if I wasn't feeling like this… no offense".

"No offense taken". Duncan smiled. "I wouldn't want to risk taking advantage of your vulnerable state anyway. Hug to show no hard feelings?" Duncan added when he saw that Kaoru didn't quite seem to believe that he wasn't offended.

Duncan wrapped his arms around Kaoru's waist and positioned himself behind him before pulling him so close that he almost lifted him off the ground.

"Flexing tall fucker", Kaoru thought jokingly. "But I apparently have a thing for taller guys".

Kaoru giggled at the action and mentally noted that Duncan really didn't joke when he talked about how Kaoru made him hard. If Duncan had been much older and uglier, Kaoru would most likely have been abhorred... or maybe he just needed a clearer mind to be abhorred. It was sad how much he needed to feel wanted.

"You don't have to cry again", Duncan added silently with his face buried in Kaoru's neck and he froze and looked up at him. "Yes, I can tell that you've been crying. Maybe knowing that we are still on your side might help? You are still you after all. I hope whatever you're going through is going to get better". Kaoru turned around (to the best of his abilities) in his hold and wrapped his arms around Duncan back in a tight hug.

The sound of something snapping made both of them jump away from each other in surprise. They looked around until their eyes landed on a very familiar figure leaning against the wall to one of the corridors; Kyoya. Because of the darkness, Kaoru couldn't quite make out what the sound had come from but he could tell that Kyoya was furious.

Seeing the older male made Kaoru really emotional again. He felt guilt, sadness, longing, self-loathing and shame. He felt like his eyes were watering and he looked down at the ground to not let Kyoya see (even if he probably could guess) and blinked rapidly to prevent the tears from falling.

Duncan, being the socially awkward kid he was, didn't seem to be able to read the room. He smiled cheekily and slapped Kaoru, not too hard, on his ass. Kaoru jumped in surprise and looked at him. He was secretly relieved that Duncan managed to distract him enough to prevent him from bursting out crying (even if he was a little bit uncomfortable with the inappropriate touch).

"I'll go back to my room now. Shawn ran me ragged for a guy just laying there so I really need to rest". Duncan leaned in a little closer and whispered: "Do you feel safe with him looking at you like that or do you want me to walk you to your dorm? … don't worry my hands will remain above the waist".

"No, it's fine", Kaoru assured him and forced a smile. "Nothing to worry about. Goodnight".

Duncan wished him goodnight back and left, leaving the ex-lovers behind. It was awkward, to say the least. Kaoru didn't know if he should just walk away or address him shortly in a casual matter like he didn't know him to establish that he didn't want to start shit again. What he wanted was to apologize until he lost his voice but Kyoya told Hikaru that he wanted them to act like they didn't know each other and just forget the time they spent together… or at least that's what Hikaru had told him, Kaoru wouldn't be surprised if Hikaru was the one who suggested that to Kyoya or if there was no communication about this subject at all.

Kaoru decided to just leave and he walked away with slumped shoulders. He didn't dare to look at Kyoya as he left. It hurt that Kyoya didn't try to stop him but Kaoru wasn't surprised. He hoped that Kyoya hadn't assumed that Kaoru lied about his feelings for him as well when he saw Kaoru with Duncan. It didn't matter if Kyoya hated him for making him believe that Kaoru was normal, Kaoru didn't want him to think that everything else was fake too.

Hikaru smiled at him when he walked into their room again.

"I see that you didn't cry again".

"Yeah, I-". Kaoru really had to be careful with his words now. He wanted to tell Hikaru that he had the chance to become friends with Duncan and the other Boys, which could really help, but he knew that Hikaru didn't like Kaoru being friendly with others. Even if "others" were their own colleagues and the closest thing to a family they could have. "Yeah, I met one of the boys who assured me that none of them will attack me anytime soon. I suspect that my fellow zero helped them decide that I'm not a bad guy. It made me feel a lot better about the situation to know that I got their backs".

Kaoru hoped that adding the last part would work in his favor… and it apparently did.

"That's good to hear. I'm your brother so I can see how you would think that I'm biased when I say that no one hates you", Hikaru told him, with just a tiny hint of hurt at Kaoru for not just believing him.

So far so good, right now Hikaru luckily didn't take anything the wrong way. Kaoru decided to add a little more honesty to the conversation without saying too much.

"He also made me think that maybe I should just stick to hookups with other Boys without any strings attached in the future… you know, instead of getting a boyfriend". Hikaru seemed to agree with that sentiment even if it suggested that Kaoru would spend time with other people. "I think meeting people that I don't need to put a lot of emotional labor in could help me realize that I'm really not alone and that there is more to life than a relationship".

Kaoru wasn't exactly sure that it came out the way he wanted it to but it was difficult to find a way to make Hikaru let him have friends.

"I… I guess", Hikaru said hesitantly. "As long as I keep being your best friend and the Boys keep being casual friends and not boyfriends… then I can see what you mean".

Kaoru was internally celebrating. This was a good first step, but Kaoru did intend on finding a way to make Hikaru be okay with him having closer friends later. This was good for now.

Sometimes Kaoru forgot that Hikaru's behavior wasn't healthy. Kaoru should be able to get friends or boyfriends without Hikaru's permission. Hikaru didn't own him. However, Kaoru couldn't fault him. He was all Hikaru had; his only family. Maybe Kaoru let him get away with too much? It wasn't like he had a choice.

"I don't look forward to my next check-up", Kaoru commented after a moment of silence with a hollow chuckle.

"Hopefully, he'll stay professional or quit being your personal doctor", Hikaru said and he sounded pretty happy with that last option. Of course he was. "Things will get better soon".

"Yeah…", Kaoru mumbled. I guess.

* * *

Kyoya was fuming as he quickly trudged back to his room after Kaoru had left. The pen in his hand, that he was initially going to bring back to his office, that he had accidentally snapped in half, was discarded on his desk when he got back to his bedroom. He had mixed feelings about what he had seen. At first, he was angry when he saw Kaoru walk through the hallway, but at the same time he wanted to go over to the obviously sad boy and comfort him. Or something less nice. But Kyoya didn't do anything obviously; he didn't punch Kaoru nor did he hug him.

It all changed when one of the Boys arrived and started to talk and flirt with Kaoru. Despite not really having been together with Kaoru and being angry and (debatable) disgusted with him... Kyoya still felt betrayed, angry and possessive. Feelings he didn't think that he should have felt for someone who betrayed him like that (or his feelings went back and forth on the subject). The anger Kyoya felt, that got harder and harder to cling to, was the only thing that prevented him from walking over to the two, pull Kaoru away from the Boy and carry him back to his room and show him who truly was the person who was allowed to touch him like that. Tamaki would be proud to hear this, Kyoya would have added giving the flirty guy a piece of his mind in the old days. Improvements.

Kyoya groaned in frustration and sat down on his bed while rubbing his temples. These conflicting emotions were giving him a headache. He clearly still wanted Kaoru, and not only sexually. Kaoru clearly also felt bad for what he did, which made it even harder to be mad. Even in the darkness that was present when they saw each other, it was clear as day that Kaoru had been crying and his body language reminded Kyoya of a wounded animal.

"What would actually happen if I could bring myself to forgive him completely?"

Kyoya had started to slowly accept the fact that Tamaki was right, that most of his prejudice of zeros came from that man. Yes, it was horrible of Kaoru to decide to lie in order to be with someone who disliked his kind, but how big of a difference was it really? Kaoru was still the same person as before… he just could look at people's memories without their consent.

"But he is someone who has shown that he respects boundaries. He never touched me because I told him not to (I'm a hypocrite), he didn't push me to undress completely because he knew that I really wasn't comfortable with it (while Kaoru had no problem showing off all of his scars) and Kaoru never pushed me to tell him about the part of my past that I wasn't comfortable with sharing (while Kaoru gave me permission to know a lot about him)... and the things he would get to know if he decided to memory dive on me are things I should have told him eventually anyway if I did see a future with him… which I still do".

Kyoya knew that he wouldn't be able to forgive himself if he let Kaoru go, not for this. The more he thought about the situation, the more he couldn't shake the feeling that this wasn't enough for him to be completely done with the boy. He knew that he needed to see Kaoru and talk to him before he could know for sure if him being a zero really was too much. All this time, he had talked to Hikaru, and Tamaki and himself… but he hadn't talked to Kaoru; the only person who knew for sure what Kaoru felt and thought about all this. Hikaru was the one who preferred that they would pretend that they didn't know each other; Kaoru would have wanted Kyoya to know that he felt bad for what he did, at least. Tamaki gave good advice that helped Kyoya collect his thoughts but Kyoya knew that he wouldn't be able to make a decision without facing the one he had an issue with.

Kyoya wanted to go and see him right away but it was late. A good plan would be to do what he did last time and ask Morinozuka to bring Kaoru to his office under the guise of a normal check-up. During mandatory checkups, Morinozuka wasn't needed so it might look weird for him to get Kaoru again but the younger male got hurt so much so perhaps they had nothing to worry about. It was around the time for the Boys' regular checkups anyway so that would help. To Kyoya's knowledge, two of his colleagues were also going to summon their respective Boys tomorrow morning as well (that sentence sounded a bit cult-like). So hopefully both Kaoru and Hikaru wouldn't suspect anything weird, just that Kyoya was trying to act normal and do his job. Hopefully.

One problem still unfortunately remained... how in the world was Kyoya supposed to fall asleep now!?

* * *

Kyoya was exhausted but still determined. He did eventually manage to fall asleep but the little sleep he managed to squeeze out from the night was interrupted twice. The first time he woke up after a nightmare about Kaoru turning into a crying monster and the second time he woke up after dreaming about himself turning into a monster instead. Kyoya wasn't exactly sure what the symbolism was supposed to be. At least not at first. The first dream could have reflected his fear and the second one could have reflected his own flaws. However, the third time he fell asleep he dreamt that he and Kaoru, still as monsters, comforted each other before they embraced... before getting nasty… was that symbolizing something or was Kyoya just really lonely? Probably both, probably both.

The young doctor was stumbling tiredly towards the direction of his office, but someone stopped him before he could reach his destination. He felt his blood boil when he turned around and saw who it was; Rai. The general looked awfully smug (and a little tipsy).

"I knew that it was no idea to wait for you to get over your pride". Rai chuckled. "No hard feelings. I would have been the same and it hadn't been that long".

Kyoya raised an eyebrow.

"Just because my underaged patient was a zero doesn't it mean that I think it was good that you decided to beat him up and increase my workload".

Rai looked a tad bit taken aback.

"You don't think he deserved it? At all? Don't you hate zeros or something?"

"Why is that a universal fact about me?"

"People think it's stupid that someone like you is working at a place like this with zeros around".

"Ah", Kyoya answered abruptly. "But I don't think I hated them as badly as I thought. Am I really supposed to be afraid of Kaoru? Kaoru? He looks like he would cry at any wedding, even if he was just a stranger passing by".

It surprised Kyoya how easy it was for him to defend him now. It wasn't like Kyoya was making an effort to say a lot of bullshit just out of spite because he didn't want to admit to Rai that he was wrong. He genuinely believed his own words.

"Now I just have to meet Kaoru in person and see for sure if I'm okay with him or not. But I am more optimistic now", Kyoya thought.

"Yeah, he would probably cry because he wasn't the one in the wedding dress", Rai sneered with a chortle. Kyoya wasn't sure if that was another homophobic joke or if it was a dig at Kaoru's interest in drawing clothes... he supposed those two could very well go hand in hand. "But there are worse things about him that you don't know about".

"I really don't care", Kyoya confessed and it surprised himself a little. "I can probably say for sure now that he can do whatever and I won't care".

"Even if that thing could have caused your early death?"

That managed to grab Kyoya's attention.

"What's that supposed to mean? I don't see how his powers could cause death", Kyoya insisted.

He was pretty sure that Rai was referring to even more classified information but the question was if Rai was drunk enough to tell him anything or not. But did Kyoya want to know from him?

"Don't I know enough about Kaoru's past without Kaoru himself being the one to tell me? Of course I want to know about this but wouldn't it be better if I let Kaoru tell me for once? If he takes me back he probably will tell me after a while… because he can trust people, unlike me. I don't understand how, I mean his life hasn't really given him the most secure connections with others".

Rai smirked knowingly.

"Well, it's not that dangerous on its own but it's quite harmful when it accompanies dangerous minds with actual dangerous powers". Rai took a step closer, no doubt to try to intimidate Kyoya but instead he almost fell over. It told Kyoya that Rai was indeed drunk enough. "Have you ever heard of something called project takeover? I wouldn't be surprised if you hadn't. You aren't really the brightest person when it comes to anything related to zeros".

"Well my livelihood isn't depending so much on knowing much about zeros", Kyoya shot back with a fake sweet smile and he thought that he saw Rai's eye twitch. It felt good to get under his skin. Even if it was just a little bit. "And I honestly would rather have Kaoru tell me more about that than you… are you even allowed to tell me this information?" Rai just rolled his eyes and chuckled.

It surprised Kyoya how drunk the man actually seemed to be considering how normal he appeared. Rai would probably have tried to order Kyoya to keep quiet about this if he had been sober.

"So this is classified information? His reactions really aren't much to go by but this 'project takeover' has never come up when I researched either Kaoru or the facility. It sounds like it could be an old operation that probably used Kaoru's powers for espionage. But that must have happened before Kaoru and Hikaru joined the military. The name of the operation isn't very subtle at all, they obviously meant to 'take over' something, but what? Rai said that Kyoya's life could have been endangered during the operation so did they intend on invading Japan? Or some sort of facility there? It would make sense because Kaoru haven't been to Japan since he was a small child and science within medicine has been the bane of the existence for a lot of zeros because of biased scientists and public opinion… but in Kaoru's file, it says that Kaoru once worked against the American military… so it wasn't just a domestic matter? It's very confusing but I refuse to read or hear more shit about Kaoru that isn't told by Kaoru himself. It's time to let Kaoru have his voice".

"It's not like you're going to tell anyone anyway", Rai said dismissively. "You're probably like me. You don't have anything out there and whatever you do have left behind is the reason why you're here in the first place".

"What are you talking about?"

"You look like a guy who wants to know stuff but yet you came in here and you have been surprised several times since, in ways that could have been avoided with basic research. You didn't choose this place for an opportunity to learn or expand, you wanted to hide".

Kyoya clenched his fists around his paper folder but stubbornly kept the smile on his face.

"You know why else I'm here?" Kyoya asked. "Not because I have nowhere else to go. I can get work at any hospital thanks to my education, past experiences and contacts… I'm also fairly well liked. I can go back without any problems, but you? You're stuck here, aren't you?" Rai wasn't smiling anymore. "Stuck with people who only want you because you're still useful, but what do you have back there? I have work and a friend who really wants me to come back. I am young and have never even had a difficult time finding a partner. But what's your place out there? In a world that actually has consequences? Where you can't lash out? The worst kind of world for you, correct?" Kyoya decided to not humor the older male anymore and continued to walk before Rai could respond. Not that it seemed like Rai was going to. "I suggest that you focus on your own life instead of trying to ruin my relationship with my patient, general. What I said to you before still stands". And with that Kyoya left the old and miserable man to his own devices.

Kyoya managed to calm down from the conversation he had with Rai on the way to his office, but anger resurfaced every time he thought about it. That man was sick and needed serious help. Hopefully, he would stop being a nuisance now when he realized that Kyoya wouldn't let him "corrupt" him.

Sitting down at his desk again, Kyoya went through the same process he did last time to make a very hesitant Morinozuka go and bring Kaoru to his appointment. While waiting for the tall male to come back with his patient, he sat and listened while two of his colleagues were checking their own. He thought that he heard Hikaru's voice which soured his mood somewhat and made him fear that Hikaru would hear that he and Kaoru were talking.

Luckily, Hikaru seemed to leave shortly so Kyoya could calm down for now. The other Boy seemed to still be there so Kyoya had to wait a little bit with talking to Kaoru about anything serious for a while.

Hikaru surely would be even more annoying than before if Kaoru took Kyoya back. Previously Hikaru mostly complained a lot and sometimes tried to threaten Kyoya but he would most definitely become far worse from now one.

"I can't wait for that", Kyoya thought sarcastically.

It didn't take long before Morinozuka returned with a very passive looking Kaoru in tow; the younger male's eyes were glued to the floor. Like Kyoya had expected, Kaoru still seemed very sad and ashamed, if his body language was anything to go by. Apparently it was too early for him to act normal, unsurprisingly. Morinozuka left after a minute of awkward silence.

Still hearing that one doctor was still with his patient; Kyoya decided to stay professional until the coast was clear.

"It's time for your check-up". Kyoya was impressed that his voice remained stable and didn't crack when he addressed Kaoru. He was filled with a lot of emotions when he stared at the younger boy. But so far, he didn't feel afraid. So far so good. "I don't have to take as much blood from you because it's not needed for the serum anymore. I have also now been given more of the responsibilities to keep you healthy. Since there is no need to keep things secret from us. For example, you are coming to me before other doctors for any medical reason. Unless it's an emergency. Alright, I'll start with looking to see if your weight is normal".

Kaoru slowly nodded and walked over to the scale. Kyoya made an effort to not touch the boy too much, no matter how badly he wanted to know if he could without freaking out (and because he got the urge to hold him). The older male noted that Kaoru had lost weight since the last time he checked. At first, it confused Kyoya. He knew that something like their (sort of) break up is something that could have impacted Kaoru's eating habits, but the time between the announcement and the present time was too short for Kaoru to have been able to lose such a large amount of weight. The stress before the announcement was probably the real culprit to the weight loss.

"You need to eat more. You're not dangerously underweight but you could get there if you continue to lose pounds", Kyoya said as nonchalantly he could muster to not raise suspicion from his college.

Kaoru just shrugged in return. It made Kyoya feel horrible that Kaoru still thought that he wanted nothing to do with him. But in all fairness, Kyoya hadn't given Kaoru a reason to believe that this wasn't the case.

Kyoya continued the examination while nonchalantly commenting when he thought that there was a reason for Kaoru to better take care of himself. Kaoru didn't respond much to the things he was told.

There was an internal celebration in Kyoya's head when he heard the others leave. Kaoru finally looked at Kyoya. The boy looked really tired but at least it didn't look like he had cried all night.

"Do you know why I need you to take care of yourself, Kaoru?" Kyoya finally asked. "Why I tell you to eat and drink more water?"

Kaoru cleared his voice; no doubt to make sure that his voice didn't sound weak or crack.

"Because it's your job?" Kaoru quietly answered with a fake nonchalant shrug. "You don't need to remind me of that, don't worry".

"Not quite… I can't change how I-". Kaoru's head snapped up to look at him again. Different feelings played in his eyes but the most apparent one was confusion with a small hint of hopefulness. It made Kyoya optimistic; Kaoru wasn't done with him yet either. "I have been thinking and I… and I". Wow, Kyoya was bad at this. "I need to see if… can you just... come over here?" Kyoya finally asked. Kaoru looked wary and Kyoya couldn't blame him for not trusting him. "I promise that I'm not going to hurt you… I-I'm just bad with words. Please just come over here". It surprised both of them that Kyoya actually pleaded.

Kaoru took a few hesitant steps at a time towards the older male until they were almost touching. They stared into each other's eyes for a moment before Kyoya carefully extended his arms towards the smaller boy and wrapped them around him. At first, Kaoru was stiff as a board but then relaxed. Kyoya hugged him closer and tucked Kaoru's face in the crook of his neck. He knew at that moment that he wasn't scared of Kaoru, but it did scare him how much power Kaoru actually had over Kyoya.

"Wha-what does this m-m-mean?" Kaoru asked and Kyoya could tell that he was trying to not cry. "Don't you h-hate me-me?"

"I tried but… it seems like I can't. I was angry initially but I calmed down and got help with sorting out my feelings and… you're still the same person… a-and I'm sorry that started this mess. I really am… I don't hate you, I-I'm not afraid of you".

Kaoru's eyes widened, then he started to laugh... and then his laugh turned into full out sobbing. His feelings had been on a roller coaster and he got whiplash from it this time. Kyoya held him closer and started to stroke his hair. Kaoru wrapped his own arms around Kyoya back and buried his face in the taller male's neck.

"I sw-swear I'm usually not like th-this", Kaoru mumbled and Kyoya chuckled.

"There is no need to save face in front of me", Kyoya teased. "But I know. You have been very stressed and I didn't help… let's sit down and wait until you have calmed down a bit before talking", Kyoya suggested and Kaoru nodded. They let go of each other and sat down on the examination table. They intertwined their hands as they waited for Kaoru's sobs to quiet down. Kyoya normally wasn't super affectionate but it felt right.

"Am I weak if I want to take you back?" Kaoru asked after the tears had finally stopped.

"I think it depends on why you take me back", Kyoya answered back, being completely honest. Old Kyoya would have said anything to make him take him back immediately, but that wasn't the right thing to do. Don't be mistaken, Kyoya had to put in the effort to prevent himself from doing that but personal progress takes time. He never claimed to be a good person. "I mean, if I'm all you think you deserve or all you think you can have then I would assume that it's some kind of 'weakness'".

"Yeah, that makes sense", Kaoru sniffed hard because of the snot running out of his nose. "I must look so attractive right now".

"A real panty dropper", Kyoya answered sarcastically.

Kaoru smirked.

"Aw, are you wearing panties just for me?" Kyoya hit him playfully on the shoulder and Kaoru laughed.

"Only in your darkest imaginations, Kaoru", Kyoya assured him with a dark look in his eyes and Kaoru laughed harder. "Anyway, what do you want for us? I obviously want to try again and have questions I want to ask. But the decision is yours. I understand if you don't want to risk getting hurt again".

"I think we both fucked up and hurt each other", Kaoru stated to Kyoya's surprise. "This isn't one of those situations where the blame is only yours like it sounds like you're suggesting".

Kyoya raised an eyebrow. "I was disgusted with you because you are born a certain way. I guess that counts as prejudice".

"But I lied to you. I overstepped your boundaries", Kaoru pointed out. "You obviously don't trust people easily and I lied about my whole identity. Knowing that you could get hurt. I should have stayed away if I couldn't tell you the truth. For all I know, you could have been personally hurt by zeros in your past! I… I put myself in this situation. What did I expect?"

"But I was completely unfair to you. I hated zeros for stupid reasons… or thought that I hated zeros. You helped me realize that it was stupid and letting go of unnecessary hate is a good thing. Yeah, you lied but I immediately thought you were a monster because of your status while everything else pointed in another direction. And before I discovered that you were a zero, I still treated you like crap. Honestly, In the beginning we were just having sex, nothing more. I wouldn't have told you if I was the zero in your place either. Who could tell that we would actually get feelings for each other?"

Kaoru was silent for a moment, looking deep in thoughts.

"I think… I think we can both agree that this is complicated", he finally said. "I mean, we both messed up. Is this something we think we can get over?"

"Well, do you resent me for being angry with you and for treating you poorly?"

"No I don't. I would probably have been just as angry and you didn't realize that the way you acted before hurt me. I completely believe that things will get better". Kaoru smiled warmly at him. "Do you resent me for lying to you? I didn't make you trust me less, right?"

"I don't resent you at all, no. I honestly don't know if I would have made other choices in your place". That was a lie, Kyoya knew damn well that he would have made the exact same choices but for other reasons. "And I think that I could open up to you eventually. Don't take the slow pace personally, It took a long time for my best friend to make me open up as well".

"I'll be patient with you". Kaoru squeezed Kyoya's hand. "Tell me things when you feel comfortable enough. Some things are harder to say, even when you really want someone to know about them". Kaoru stared straight into Kyoya's eyes when he said that and Kyoya thought that he knew what Kaoru was hinting at. "So does this mean that we're finally official? At least as official as we can be without getting in trouble?"

"Yeah. That seems like what both of us really want". Kyoya smiled at him back.

"... you know Hikaru is going to be a lot worse now, right?"

"Yes, and I really don't look forward to it". Kyoya groaned loudly and Kaoru laughed nervously. "What's the worst thing you think that he'll try to do to me?"

"I will try my best to explain to him that I am not completely innocent in this but you know that he's super stubborn". Kaoru smiled apologetically. "And the worst thing I think that he'll do? … I don't know, he can be pretty unpredictable. But contrary to what people believe my brother isn't a psychopath so he won't kill you".

"No. I completely agree that Hikaru isn't a psychopath", Kyoya assured. "But your brother has issues that are getting worse. He will use whatever reason he can come up with to try to break us apart".

Kaoru sighed sadly and looked down at the floor.

"I know that it's bad, but I don't know what to do with him… do you… do you think he'll get better?"

There was a bigger chance that Hikaru would get worse, to be honest. Kyoya also suspected that Kaoru knew that too but just needed an optimistic answer so Kyoya decided to give him what he asked for.

"I don't think he is a lost cause", Kyoya responded and it wasn't a complete lie. Hikaru could get better but he did need a lot of help with his issues. Help that the military currently wasn't able to provide. "But he is going to act like I am".

Kaoru laughed. "Yeah I guess, but he'll come around eventually… at least to some degree…". Kaoru decided to switch the subject. This wasn't supposed to be a sad situation so he didn't want to think about his brother's worrying actions. "So… you mentioned previously that you had questions?"

"Ah, Yes. I have realized that I know next to nothing about zeros, so I need some help to understand you better. Firstly, I kind of want to ask for your personal opinion on certain things I have heard about people like you", was the best way Kyoya could find to formulate his question, even if "people like you" gave him flashbacks to several homophobic older men he had met.

"Sounds fun", Kaoru commented sarcastically, but not in an annoyed way. "But go ahead".

"Is the urge, or need, to use your powers very strong? I am obviously not asking you to repress yourself. I just want to make sure that's correct and not that you have an urge or need to be violent".

"Yeah, we do have a need to use our powers", Kaoru confirmed. "Not 'need' in the way that we will immediately die if we don't use them, but it can be deadly if we don't use our powers in a while. Quite sad when you think about what some zeros have to do to be able to use their powers in the first place". Kaoru lifted his scarred arm with a sheepish smile on his face before lowering it again.

"Deadly?" Kyoya repeated, a bit taken aback. "I didn't know that it was deadly for you to not use your powers. I can understand why so many then think that you're inherently violent. Human instinct is to stay alive and some of you do have pretty damaging powers".

"Yeah, but don't worry about me", Kaoru leaned his head on his shoulder. "I have always used my powers on missions and I'll continue to do so- albeit with the use of an activator instead of me doing it completely by myself. But still, I'll continue to use my own powers so I won't die from being inactive. No need to worry that I'll use my powers on you either", Kaoru teased.

"I trust you not to, you already respect my other boundaries". Kyoya let go of Kaoru's hand and wrapped his arm around Kaoru's shoulders instead. "Why are you using an activator? Are you having issues with controlling your powers?"

"It's more like they just really want to control me and make sure that I actually do the mission I'm set out to do", Kaoru explained with a sigh. "They don't trust my ability to control my powers… which to be fair, I couldn't really do in the beginning... I still am not that good at it, but I have practiced when I was a little younger and hadn't developed a proper consciousness yet". The last part was mostly a joke; an intern joke if you will. Kaoru left out how insecure it made him feel that he couldn't improve his powers because he knew that Kyoya would be uncomfortable. Kyoya needed time to be completely fine with Kaoru being a zero, which was understandable. Kyoya was just recently learning to be okay with this. "Since trying my powers on a couple of doctors a couple of years ago, I haven't used my powers at all outside of missions. I don't see why I would use them outside of missions anyway".

"Me neither". Kyoya wasn't really sure what he was supposed to answer. "You don't need to use your powers as much as you're doing currently, right? Or is it just your fate to be covered in scars? … I'm sorry if I come off as rude, that wasn't my intention".

"No, don't worry about it, I don't take offense". Kaoru chuckled. "But you're right, I really don't need to use my powers as frequently as I do. You think you need to in the beginning. Many books even claim that kids need to use them more often than adults but that's untrue. Kids just don't know that their need isn't as bad as they think it is. How often you have to use your powers varies slightly from person to person and I have never seen anyone who actually needs to use it as often as I currently do. After some testing, I discovered that I actually just need to use it a few times a year… which wouldn't result in so many scars in just barely 18 years".

Kyoya didn't appear very content with the answer. Not because he wasn't glad that Kaoru didn't have to cover himself in scars to stay alive, but because Kaoru would still be forced to suffer that fate for no good reason.

"How… how long have you known that you were a zero?" Was the question Kyoya decided to ask next. "I mean, is it something you always know, or do you get the urge at a certain age or how does it work?"

"Well, you always know that you're different but it's not until you're around three years old that the urge makes you use your powers. The urge is definitely worse the first time so you almost feel like you're going to die if you don't use the powers as fast as possible… or maybe you do actually die, I have no idea. It's pretty unclear and finding unbiased scientists are a little difficult these days".

"I think I have heard about something called 'the three-year cap' project but I was never really invested… I can guess now that they were probably trying to find a way to cure children before they became zeros because I heard it was a complete failure".

"It was". Kaoru shrugged with a smug laugh. "The scientist behind that project had refused to believe that trying to cure this was the equivalent of trying to cure freckles or brown hair. But what do you expect from the same guy who thinks that homosexuality stems from Satan ass fucking expecting mothers?"

Kyoya snorted in a surprised laugh.

"He didn't mean literally Satan. He meant that mothers generally enjoying anal sex is the equivalent of being taken by Satan. Still ludicrous but in a different way".

"Same shit". Kaoru rolled his eyes playfully. "So you know about that infamous statement but not much about his actual work?" Kaoru asked teasingly.

"Learning about supposed smart people saying moronic things is my guilty pleasure".

"This is… this is the most important thing I have ever learned about you", Kaoru commented and Kyoya rolled his eyes with a little amused smirk on his lips. "No, I'm serious. At least in a way. Not everything we have to know about each other is serious or dark shit. I want to know what you like and what your quirks are as well!"

Kyoya hadn't thought about that before but it made sense to know all those little things about a person as well. Like what was the other person's dreams? How easy was it to wake the other person up? What did the other person do when he was super excited? All of those things sounded mundane but didn't feel mundane when it came to someone he wanted to get to know. Kyoya started to wonder how it was to wake up next to Kaoru. Would Kaoru be just as horrible in the morning as him or was he one of those people who was super happy and full of energy? Kyoya didn't know which scenario was more terrifying.

"I guess you have a point there", Kyoya told Kaoru, who beamed at him.

"Do you want to share stupid things about each other right now?"

"... definitely".

* * *

There wasn't a good way to do this. There were definitely ways to make it even worse, but nothing that would result in anything good. Kaoru was mentally preparing himself to tell Hikaru that he and Kyoya were a couple now. He really didn't look forward to it at all, but hiding it for longer would make it worse. Way, way worse.

Kaoru and Kyoya had been official for almost a week now. They weren't the most touching and lovey-dovey couple in the world but neither male was a lovey-dovey person in general. Their sexual relationship hadn't resumed yet. Not entirely by design, they also just didn't have many opportunities. Especially when Hikaru would be suspicious about Kaoru's absence.

The twins were walking back to their room from training and Kaoru knew that he had to tell him now. He knew that there would be screaming but he wasn't afraid that his life and health would be in genuine danger. Still, Kaoru truly dreaded it.

"Man I'm tired", Hikaru groaned as he lowered himself down on his own bed. "Training is tough".

"Well, this is what we signed up for when we decided to do real missions".

"What do you mean by real missions?" Hikaru chuckled. "As opposed to playing pretend or fake missions?"

"No, you're right, I just didn't know what word to use".

Hikaru pokes his tongue out at him.

"Don't start to sound like the old farts who don't understand what we're doing".

Kaoru poked his tongue at him back.

"I do feel like an old fart at this point though".

"Is it because of the breakup? Because you have recovered pretty good from that in my opinion".

Kaoru probably looked very sheepish right now but Hikaru was too busy making his flat pillow a little more fluffy for when he would go to sleep.

"Not quite the reason… and I wouldn't say that I recovered from the breakup", Kaoru mumbled and looked down at the floor. "I… got over it in another way". Kaoru forced himself to look up again, just to see narrow and confused eyes turning wide in surprise.

"Have you already moved on to another guy!?" Hikaru exclaimed and Kaoru groaned in annoyance that he had to spell it out to his brother. He knew that he probably hadn't made it obvious enough to be allowed to be annoyed, but he just wanted to get it over with. "Kaoru that's too soon! It's bad enough that you still have one person to get over, having two won't be any better!" Kaoru felt insulted that Hikaru assumed that his new supposed relationship would end quickly as well. "Is it that guy you have been talking to recently!?" Of course Hikaru hadn't bothered to learn Duncan's name.

"No, I didn't move on to a new person". Kaoru really made sure to emphasize the word 'new' so Hikaru would get the hint.

The shocked expression on Hikaru's face turned into something you would see on a broken man, but that quickly changed into fury before Kaoru could dwell too much on that.

"You're back with him!?" Hikaru wasn't as slow as people assumed that he was. There was definitely a chance that Hikaru would have been unable to guess the correct answer out of denial, but not because he just couldn't pick up the hints. "Are you out of your mind!? He thinks you are disgusting!"

"No, he doesn't", Kaoru assured with a sigh. He knew that Hikaru wouldn't be on his side no matter what he said but it didn't feel right to just leave the conversation like this. He had to at least try to talk to Hikaru about this, right? "He and I have talked and he realized pretty quickly that he only thought that he was disgusted. I think he was more angry that I lied to him if I'm honest".

The last part wasn't really the truth. Yes, Kyoya didn't like that he lied but he had definitely been angrier with the fact that Kaoru was a zero. At least that's the impression that Kaoru got from the situation. Still, Kaoru had to make Hikaru understand that Kyoya had been kind of acting in an understandable way. Kaoru would even go as far as to say that Kyoya had acted much calmer than he had predicted. All Kyoya did was ignore him. Yes, Hikaru was probably the reason why Kyoya didn't yell at him but still. Kyoya left him alone, thought through things and came back. It's not like he beat Kaoru up or yelled at him. But Hikaru wouldn't see it that way.

"You lied because he was a narrow-minded dumbass! He would most likely have hurt you if I hadn't talked to him!"

"You know damn well that's not true! I had no choice but to lie, it was literally prohibited!" Kaoru snapped back. He thought that he was prepared for a long discussion (argument) about this but now when Hikaru decided to step into this territory… "Last time I checked you are the one who thinks that there are situations where I deserve to get hurt, not him! Maybe he would have yelled at me, yes, but he wouldn't have hit someone for something like that! Don't lose brain cells just because you're angry!"

"I have never said that you deserve to get hurt! What the fuck!?"

"You blame me somewhat for getting attacked by general Rai! Don't fucking deny it!"

"It's hard to relearn shit, fucking sue me!" Hikaru flew up from his bed. "And you believe Kyoya would never hit you because he said so? Haven't Rai promised that he is harmless too!?" Kaoru wasn't actually sure he had ever heard Rai say that but maybe Hikaru remembered something he didn't for once? "But you would rather believe a guy you don't really know more than you believe me!? I'm your twin brother for God's sake! I am your best friend who has been there from the beginning! Why do you always refuse to listen to me!?" What Kaoru knew that Hikaru was actually asking was: "Why do you always refuse to obey me". Because that's what this was actually about.

Hikaru had intended on making Kaoru feel bad for "choosing Kyoya over him" but he only managed to provoke Kaoru more.

"Oh, I'm so sorry", Kaoru remarked sarcastically. "Of course I should listen to you and not him! I mean he has put bruises on me before-wait, no that was you!"

This time Kaoru finally said something that penetrated Hikaru's shield of anger that had protected his ability to reason. Hikaru was still angry but Kaoru's comment had noticeably thrown him off guard.

"What the fuck are you talking about?" At least he wasn't shouting anymore… but Kaoru was sure as hell not lowering his voice anytime soon.

"Do you know how fucking hard you grab me when you're mad!? Kyoya doesn't even leave hickeys because I didn't want him to but you have left bruises on my arms and shoulders several times!" At first, Hikaru looked startled, then in denial, then furious again, then worried and ashamed.

Kaoru wasn't used to Hikaru looking this submissive and he wanted to stop and just comfort him, but he knew that he needed to make sure that he hit the nail on the head, to really make Hikaru understand.

"With your logic, I'm not supposed to be around you either!"

Hikaru looked like he wanted to yell something back at him, but even he knew that he really didn't have anything to defend himself with. Instead, he looked insecure and small; Hikaru hadn't realized this before.

"I-I'm, I-i-i'm… ". Hikaru stuttered. He was too shocked and desperate to be able to form any coherent sentence. "I-I'm sorry that I h-hurt you. I di-didn't mean to do that p-please believe me!"

Kaoru calmed down significantly but was still angry.

"I know you didn't. I know you're not a horrible person and I never wanted you to feel bad, but I'm not going to stand here and let you accuse someone of your own wrongdoings… don't look so afraid, I'm not going to leave you because of this. I just wanted to point out the hypocrisy". Hikaru visibly deflated. He slowly fell down on the bed again and looked down at the floor. Kaoru sighed. "Look, I know that you don't like him and that you don't like that I took him back. But the truth of the matter is that I lied to him, he got mad, he quickly forgave me, we talked it out like adults and we're back together. It doesn't matter what you think. I promise that I'll leave him if the relationship is bad for me but until then… please, leave. It. The fuck. Alone. Just let me have this one thing". Kaoru needed to be stern with him.

Finally deciding that he had lectured Hikaru enough, Kaoru leaned down and was about to hug Hikaru when Hikaru beat him to it; he snapped his head up and quickly wrapped his arms around Kaoru instead. To prevent himself from falling since Hikaru was pulling him down, Kaoru had to sit down on his lap. They were really close so it wasn't anything weird or nor worth complaining about. Kaoru wrapped his own arms around Hikaru too and they stayed like that for a while.

"I promise you that I won't leave you just because I have a boyfriend. You'll always be extremely important to me", Kaoru assured as he brushed Hikaru's hair with his fingers. "But you need to let me be- you need to trust me to make my own decisions and I'll trust you to make your own". Kaoru almost made the mistake of saying; "Be my own person". He wasn't quite sure why it felt like such a horrible thing to say, he just knew that it wouldn't be well received.

"I-I'll keep an eye on him!" Hikaru promised and looked up at Kaoru with determination in his eyes. "I won't stop trying to protect you from him, from anyone… but I'll try to let you two enjoy the time you have left together". Kaoru had to restrain himself from snapping at him for insinuating so confidently that they wouldn't last for long. It would just make things worse to argue. "And I'll… and I'll also try to be more careful with you… I d-didn't know that I did that to you, I really didn't mean to. You believe me, right?"

Kaoru gave him a small reassuring smile.

"Of course I do. I don't believe that you wanted to hurt me. I should also have told you earlier, but I didn't think that it was important… which was a selfish thought, because you clearly wanted to know so you could have prevented it". But Kaoru wasn't sad that he waited to tell him this, not at all, at least not at that moment. Sure, he did feel empathy for his brother's turmoil but who knew what his brother would have done if Kaoru hadn't brought it up during their conversation like this? It was an immediate diffuser and saved Kaoru from a possible huge headache. Hikaru finally sat down and listened to him when he talked about getting back with Kyoya… a better scenario could have never happened!

"But am I a bad person for thinking like this? Isn't this some kind of manipulation? That I'm using information that I've kept from him against him to make him do what I want him to do? But I just want everyone to be happy; Hikaru, Kyoya and me. I have spent so much time listening to Hikaru and making him happy but now I can make my own choices when Kyoya is here. Hikaru wants to hold me back, I don't think I can ever be fully happy if I don't play extremely dirty… still, I do feel like a shitty person… ".

Kaoru snapped out of his thoughts and continued: "I guess our communication have to get better".

Hikaru nodded and buried his face in Kaoru's chest. Kaoru knew that Hikaru would never stop seeing Kyoya as a threat, at least that's what it felt like. But maybe Hikaru would be a little more okay with the situation one day? Only time could tell.

**"... And time isn't always kind… ".**


	6. Chapter 6. Good life

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> The more I reread the story the more I hate the age gap. At the time I wrote it I created the age gap because I didn't want Kyoya to be fully morally good and explore what happens in these kinds of situations but I wish I hadn't. I feel dirty in a way. I also write weirdly many sex scenes for someone who doesn't even like to write them (I don't bother to make them super realistic though). I do a lot of things in this story that I don't like now when I think about it.
> 
> Also, I don't think I will be able to upload every single Monday thanks to school and other obligations. So if you care, you now know.

**Chapter 6. Good life**

"... So we decided to continue to be around each other-".

"Kyoya! You can just tell me that he is your boyfriend! Why are you so vaaaaaague!?" Kyoya flinched as Tamaki's brittle and high pitched voice assaulted his eardrums. He had to put a long distance between himself and the phone while Tamaki dragged out the word: 'vague' for an unpleasant amount of time.

"Because I don't want you to do a 'you thing' and make it into something big", Kyoya murmured through gritted teeth. "You are always so damn loud… ".

"But I'm your best frieeeend-".

"Stop dragging out the words".

"-And I should know about these things! Especially when you sound very serious about this one!"

Kyoya pinched the bridge of his nose and sighed.

"I guess, but you're still being very dramatic".

"When would you have told me that you two were a thing if I hadn't figured it out? When you start sending out wedding invitations? Like you did with your ex?"

"First of all, my ex sent them unbeknownst to me. I hadn't even proposed to him and he hadn't proposed to me-".

"No, but you did plan on buying a ring!"

"I thought that he was the best I could get at the time", Kyoya reminded him. Many people made that mistake and he was still ashamed that he almost became one of them.

"You still didn't tell me about that ex until the invitations! I should have known about Fuyuki earlier!"

Kyoya decided to ignore that because it wasn't relevant. He didn't even bother to correct Tamaki about the name… partly because he wasn't sure what the name was, he just knew that the guy was Russian, and not Japanese. Maybe that was cold hearted of Kyoya to not remember it but he had tried his best to forget most of the people he used to know.

"And no, I wouldn't have waited until proposing to tell you about Kaoru. Remember, he and I can't get married". At first Tamaki sounded moved that Kyoya wouldn't wait that long but quickly realized what Kyoya actually meant.

Kyoya wasn't sure how much he was actually allowed to tell Tamaki about Kaoru. He knew that it was common knowledge that zeros existed on his base so it shouldn't be a problem that Tamaki knew that Kyoya was "familiar" with one of them. The young doctor made sure to not tell Tamaki about anything that came from the classified files or things he hadn't asked Kaoru if it was okay for him to share. Kyoya was still paranoid every time he talked about Kaoru to his best friend. It felt like a swat team would come into his apartment any second. Tamaki asked something but Kyoya couldn't quite make it out because of the sputtering.

"Say that again. I couldn't hear you", Kyoya said and held the phone closer to his ear. Which would probably have been a mistake under normal circumstances.

"I asked if you loooove him? … Kyoya?"

Kyoya froze. "I… that's a bit too early to ask, isn't it?" Kyoya asked with a low voice and a small cough. "We have only known each other for a few months".

"For many months!" Tamaki corrected. "But maybe it is too early… I'll ask again at a later time!"

"... please don't… ", Kyoya almost begged.

He hated that question. Wherever he loved Kaoru or not should be something he would decide later on, right? Sure he really, really liked Kaoru but they were young and so was their relationship. This was also Kaoru's first real relationship and he would become an adult in a few days so he might not be ready for the same kind of relationship Kyoya thought that he himself was ready for.

Kyoya has had a lot of issues with settling down when he was Kaoru's age and he only recently started to consider being with someone he could grow old with.

"I want to know if Kaoru is more special than he already seems to be to yooooooou!"

Kyoya was almost so startled that he dropped the phone. He held it away from his ear again so Tamaki couldn't accidentally blow his eardrums out.

"I already care about him a significant amount and he is actually a decent person for once. Isn't that enough for you to know right now?"

"I… Yeah, maybe", Tamaki hesitantly agreed. "But you need to tell me when you do love him!"

"I need to go. Goodbye, Tamaki". Kyoya heard a loud "wha" before he hung up. He waited for a few seconds to see if a Tamaki would try to call him back and sighed in relief when it didn't seem like he would. Don't be mistaken, Kyoya appreciated his best friend but he could be a lot sometimes.

Now when Kyoya had hung up on Tamaki, he felt alone again. He had felt lonely in general lately. It wasn't uncommon to feel more alone when you were in a relationship and your partner wasn't available, but it was worse when it was difficult to hang out with your partner in the first place. The only place they could be together without interference was Kyoya's room, but Kyoya couldn't just go to Kaoru and invite him over and Kaoru couldn't just slip away whenever he wanted. Plus Hikaru seemed to always come up with excuses for Kaoru not to leave his side. The couple had officially been together for three weeks and Hikaru clearly wasn't ready for Kaoru and him to be together alone for too long and it made them displeased. Kyoya didn't even care if they couldn't sleep with each other, he wanted to be with his boyfriend, damnit! Kyoya shivered as he thought that he could almost hear Tamaki cooing at him in his head for being so "cute".

* * *

Kyoya left his room to have breakfast with his colleagues. He smiled at Kaoru when he saw him before sitting down at his usual table. Rosengard was complaining about how bratty his patient was. He had been more irritated lately and this hadn't helped.

"Well, he is finally truly going through puberty", Shinohara pointed out. "What did you expect?"

"He sure is a late bloomer", Colton commented, his voice was very adenoidal. "Unless that was a joke".

Rosengard chuckled.

"He isn't joking, no. Soon he'll be just as sex-crazed as all the other teenagers. I propositioned to Grimes that we should invite some girls for the Boys sometimes so they can get some of that out!"

"They are not dogs humping our legs", Shinohara reminded him sternly. "They are real human beings. They also have more self-control than you give them credit for". Kyoya agreed with the comment (even if it was a little hypocritical from someone with no qualms about gossiping about the Boys). Ever since he got closer to Kaoru he really didn't appreciate how his colleagues insinuated that the boys were something akin to animals. Maybe he was just overreacting now, Rosengard might just be under the impression that all teenagers were like that but still. It felt wrong. "And if Grimes agrees to your idea, Rosengard, do you suggest that the military use tax money to pay those hypothetical women for their sexual services? Like prostitution?"

Rosengard smiled sheepishly; realizing the error of his words.

"No, I guess I don't", he mumbled and scratched his neck. "I hadn't thought that far… but I guess there is no need anyway, the guys seem to be completely fine with satisfying each other".

"Then I guess you should prepare yourself to give him that kind of sex talk", Jackson mused. "I mean, that has, unfortunately, become our area of expertise in later years in order for our patients to avoid certain kinds of hospital visits". Most of the doctors sighed deeply.

"Well it's unfortunate for you because you don't get a good use out of it", Kyoya thought, amused as he quickly glanced at Kaoru who was eating and… talking to that boy from the other night. "Calm down, they are just friends". Hikaru looked just as annoyed as Kyoya was feeling. "At least we have some sort of solidarity, you and I".

"Jackson", Rosengard said to remove the attention off himself somewhat. "How does it feel to have no workload at all? I mean, they haven't given you a replacement for Botan, right?"

For a short moment, Jackson looked remorseful at the mention of his late patient's name, but it disappeared too quickly for anyone, that wasn't Kyoya, to take notice.

It took a little too long for Kyoya before he remembered that Botan was Jiro. A hint of resentment still resided for the boy who attempted to murder his boyfriend, but the same old sense of curiosity also woke up within him when he heard the name. He still didn't know the details about the name situation. Maybe enough time has passed for him to be able to ask Kaoru about it without upsetting the younger male too much? He didn't want to appear too interested right now so asking his colleagues was out of the question.

"I have actually taken a patient from Grayson", Jackson told him. "Some doctors here have had more than one patient because more and more doctors are quitting".

"Yeah, that happens. Not many doctors feel satisfied with the small amount of workload we get". Rosengard took a sip from his glass of water.

Kyoya didn't know why he thought that water was such an odd breakfast drink.

"And not everyone is satisfied with being around so many cute boys, unlike Kyoya", Shinohara teased and Kyoya almost choked on his coffee. Fortunately, Kyoya realized pretty quickly that Shinohara joked about his sexuality and didn't know that he was actually far too interested in one of the 'cute boys'.

Kyoya smirked. "No I only have eyes for one guy", Kyoya joked and looked at Rosengard.

Rosengard looked at him with furrowed brows as he drank his water before his eyes widened and he choked on his water. The colleagues laughed as he was desperately coughing up the liquid that had entered the wrong pipe.

"Don't joke like that!" Rosengard cried before coughing some more. "Not when there is a choking hazard!"

Kyoya chuckled before leaning back in his chair and drank some more of his coffee.

"Perhaps I shouldn't, maybe I shouldn't have done it to you. I should probably have done it to the man who suggested that I was into underage boys". Yes, Kyoya realized how dumb that was to say.

"My apologies", Shinohara said. "I forgot the underage part. It's easy to".

"Oh, you have no idea".

"Going back to the previous subject of the conversation". Kyoya turned to Rosengard. "You shouldn't complain about bratty behavior, Rosengard. Shinohara's patient is worse and puberty is not a contributing factor".

Shinohara exhaled loudly.

"Sounds like you have experiences with that one", Colton suggested, looking at Kyoya.

"His own patient is the much more pleasant twin brother of mine", Shinohara explained. "Something I thought I should make clear before you also suggested that Kyoya had something going on with much younger boys".

Kyoya held himself back from reminding them that Hikaru was soon 18 to justify his situation with Kaoru. It would probably only cause suspicion and in reality, it wouldn't actually justify much.

"I did not intend on suggesting that", Colton assured and shook his head. "I only wondered why he knew... but I guess you two are closer than the rest so it could make sense that you would just complain to Kyoya about your patient… ".

"Are you now suggesting that Shinohara and I are together?" Kyoya raised an eyebrow. "We are more professional than that".

"N-no! I was just-".

Rosengard burst out laughing and Colton turned to look at him.

"They are fucking with you".

Colton looked back at Shinohara and Kyoya who were smirking at the flustered older man.

"But speaking of your patient". Shinohara turned to Kyoya. "I was annoyed at first that he wasn't as… you know… and that he was actually nice by himself".

"I was lucky to have the good twin", Kyoya agreed and tried to not sound too pleased. "Hikaru dislikes me for getting along with his brother because he spites everyone who comes near Kaoru. So I'm wondering exactly how he is annoying as a patient. I mean, because why would he be annoying if it's not related to his brother?"

Shinohara scratched an itch on his nose.

"Well, he is definitely weird in a completely different way… or in several different ways. One of the things that irk me is that he seems to be the complete opposite of a hypochondriac. He never wants to believe that something is wrong with him under any circumstances. Or at least he doesn't think it's serious enough for him to receive appropriate help. It used to only be concerning his shallow physical health issues like scrapes and other nonlethal wounds. Back then it was completely fine because no one wants a crybaby, but when it comes to broken bones? He is clearly over his head".

"Broken bones?" Kyoya repeated.

"Yes, he used to get into fights a lot", Rosengard chimed in. "He established himself as a crazy guy before he became crazy".

"He is very defensive over his brother and I can guarantee you that he caused more damage than he took", Shinohara said without acknowledging Rosengard. "Other things that bother me are that he doesn't cooperate well if he doesn't see a reason to and he seems to think that everyone is against him. Can't be an easy life to live when you have such an unstable ground to stand on". It surprised Kyoya that he actually felt a teeny tiny hint of sympathy for Hikaru. Yes, Hikaru was the most annoying thorn he had ever had in his side, but the Boy was probably in constant fear. "You and Hikaru seem to be really curious about each other". And there the hint of sympathy disappeared into the dark hole from which it came.

"What do you mean? Has he asked about me?" Kyoya asked.

"Yes, he has done that for a while, but don't worry. I wouldn't tell him your deep dark secrets even if I knew about them".

"What have you told him?"

"General facts. That you're Japanese, smart, that you're openly gay in case that's why he is asking so much-". Kyoya snorted. "-And I have confirmed several times that you don't really like zeros since he asked much about that".

"Oh No, that doesn't bode well".

"When was the last time that you confirmed that last thing?" Kyoya asked, hoping that Shinohara, as the closest thing Kyoya had to a friend on the base, hadn't told Hikaru that recently.

"At our last check-up", Shinohara answered. "He seemed more interested in the answer this time… was it a bad thing for me to tell him?"

"Yes, extremely bad. The latest checkup was either the same day Kaoru and I made up or at a later date. Both options don't sound good to me, but I would prefer if it was the first option because at least then it could be chalked up to Shinohara just not knowing yet… the other option would just immediately suggest that I was lying to Kaoru about being okay with him".

"Well, it can risk making things harder for the relationship between me and my patient", Kyoya admitted while adjusting his glasses. "Hikaru was made aware that I decided to not judge his brother for his zero status, but now he might just believe that I lied… now things can become a bit uncomfortable".

"I apologize for the mess I might have caused", Shinohara said. "I'll definitely fix this the next time I see him… and I obviously won't tell him about this conversation or he might not believe that it's sincere instead of just you 'saving face'". Shinohara wasn't a stupid man.

"I would appreciate that, thank you", Kyoya said with a fake kind smile. Not because he wasn't thankful, but he just wasn't sure how much that would help now.

Kaoru hadn't started to act differently around him yet so either Hikaru hadn't told him about it or Kaoru just assumed that Kyoya still wanted to keep up the act. Kyoya could just explain the situation to him the next time they met, but Hikaru was still a problem. That boy had a confirmation bias. "I didn't mean for you to be dragged into this weird thing I have with those two".

"And I didn't mean to make that thing more unbearable". Shinohara smiled at him. "But no more about that. Rosengard, have you planned for how you are supposed to teach your patient about the bees and the bees?"

* * *

Kyoya left his room to have breakfast with his colleagues. He smiled at Kaoru when he saw him before sitting down at his usual table. Rosengard was complaining about how bratty his patient was. He had been more irritated lately and this hadn't helped.

"Well, he is finally truly going through puberty", Shinohara pointed out. "What did you expect?"

"He sure is a late bloomer", Colton commented, his voice was very adenoidal. "Unless that was a joke".

Rosengard chuckled.

"He isn't joking, no. Soon he'll be just as sex-crazed as all the other teenagers. I propositioned to Grimes that we should invite some girls for the Boys sometimes so they can get some of that out!"

"They are not dogs humping our legs", Shinohara reminded him sternly. "They are real human beings. They also have more self-control than you give them credit for". Kyoya agreed with the comment (even if it was a little hypocritical from someone with no qualms about gossiping about the Boys). Ever since he got closer to Kaoru he really didn't appreciate how his colleagues insinuated that the boys were something akin to animals. Maybe he was just overreacting now, Rosengard might just be under the impression that all teenagers were like that but still. It felt wrong. "And if Grimes agrees to your idea, Rosengard, do you suggest that the military use tax money to pay those hypothetical women for their sexual services? Like prostitution?"

Rosengard smiled sheepishly; realizing the error of his words.

"No, I guess I don't", he mumbled and scratched his neck. "I hadn't thought that far… but I guess there is no need anyway, the guys seem to be completely fine with satisfying each other".

"Then I guess you should prepare yourself to give him that kind of sex talk", Jackson mused. "I mean, that has, unfortunately, become our area of expertise in later years in order for our patients to avoid certain kinds of hospital visits". Most of the doctors sighed deeply.

"Well it's unfortunate for you because you don't get a good use out of it", Kyoya thought, amused as he quickly glanced at Kaoru who was eating and… talking to that boy from the other night. "Calm down, they are just friends". Hikaru looked just as annoyed as Kyoya was feeling. "At least we have some sort of solidarity, you and I".

"Jackson", Rosengard said to remove the attention off himself somewhat. "How does it feel to have no workload at all? I mean, they haven't given you a replacement for Botan, right?"

For a short moment, Jackson looked remorseful at the mention of his late patient's name, but it disappeared too quickly for anyone, that wasn't Kyoya, to take notice.

It took a little too long for Kyoya before he remembered that Botan was Jiro. A hint of resentment still resided for the boy who attempted to murder his boyfriend, but the same old sense of curiosity also woke up within him when he heard the name. He still didn't know the details about the name situation. Maybe enough time has passed for him to be able to ask Kaoru about it without upsetting the younger male too much? He didn't want to appear too interested right now so asking his colleagues was out of the question.

"I have actually taken a patient from Grayson", Jackson told him. "Some doctors here have had more than one patient because more and more doctors are quitting".

"Yeah, that happens. Not many doctors feel satisfied with the small amount of workload we get". Rosengard took a sip from his glass of water.

Kyoya didn't know why he thought that water was such an odd breakfast drink.

"And not everyone is satisfied with being around so many cute boys, unlike Kyoya", Shinohara teased and Kyoya almost choked on his coffee. Fortunately, Kyoya realized pretty quickly that Shinohara joked about his sexuality and didn't know that he was actually far too interested in one of the 'cute boys'.

Kyoya smirked. "No I only have eyes for one guy", Kyoya joked and looked at Rosengard.

Rosengard looked at him with furrowed brows as he drank his water before his eyes widened and he choked on his water. The colleagues laughed as he was desperately coughing up the liquid that had entered the wrong pipe.

"Don't joke like that!" Rosengard cried before coughing some more. "Not when there is a choking hazard!"

Kyoya chuckled before leaning back in his chair and drank some more of his coffee.

"Perhaps I shouldn't, maybe I shouldn't have done it to you. I should probably have done it to the man who suggested that I was into underage boys". Yes, Kyoya realized how dumb that was to say.

"My apologies", Shinohara said. "I forgot the underage part. It's easy to".

"Oh, you have no idea".

"Going back to the previous subject of the conversation". Kyoya turned to Rosengard. "You shouldn't complain about bratty behavior, Rosengard. Shinohara's patient is worse and puberty is not a contributing factor".

Shinohara exhaled loudly.

"Sounds like you have experiences with that one", Colton suggested, looking at Kyoya.

"His own patient is the much more pleasant twin brother of mine", Shinohara explained. "Something I thought I should make clear before you also suggested that Kyoya had something going on with much younger boys".

Kyoya held himself back from reminding them that Hikaru was soon 18 to justify his situation with Kaoru. It would probably only cause suspicion and in reality, it wouldn't actually justify much.

"I did not intend on suggesting that", Colton assured and shook his head. "I only wondered why he knew... but I guess you two are closer than the rest so it could make sense that you would just complain to Kyoya about your patient… ".

"Are you now suggesting that Shinohara and I are together?" Kyoya raised an eyebrow. "We are more professional than that".

"N-no! I was just-".

Rosengard burst out laughing and Colton turned to look at him.

"They are fucking with you".

Colton looked back at Shinohara and Kyoya who were smirking at the flustered older man.

"But speaking of your patient". Shinohara turned to Kyoya. "I was annoyed at first that he wasn't as… you know… and that he was actually nice by himself".

"I was lucky to have the good twin", Kyoya agreed and tried to not sound too pleased. "Hikaru dislikes me for getting along with his brother because he spites everyone who comes near Kaoru. So I'm wondering exactly how he is annoying as a patient. I mean, because why would he be annoying if it's not related to his brother?"

Shinohara scratched an itch on his nose.

"Well, he is definitely weird in a completely different way… or in several different ways. One of the things that irk me is that he seems to be the complete opposite of a hypochondriac. He never wants to believe that something is wrong with him under any circumstances. Or at least he doesn't think it's serious enough for him to receive appropriate help. It used to only be concerning his shallow physical health issues like scrapes and other nonlethal wounds. Back then it was completely fine because no one wants a crybaby, but when it comes to broken bones? He is clearly over his head".

"Broken bones?" Kyoya repeated.

"Yes, he used to get into fights a lot", Rosengard chimed in. "He established himself as a crazy guy before he became crazy".

"He is very defensive over his brother and I can guarantee you that he caused more damage than he took", Shinohara said without acknowledging Rosengard. "Other things that bother me are that he doesn't cooperate well if he doesn't see a reason to and he seems to think that everyone is against him. Can't be an easy life to live when you have such an unstable ground to stand on". It surprised Kyoya that he actually felt a teeny tiny hint of sympathy for Hikaru. Yes, Hikaru was the most annoying thorn he had ever had in his side, but the Boy was probably in constant fear. "You and Hikaru seem to be really curious about each other". And there the hint of sympathy disappeared into the dark hole from which it came.

"What do you mean? Has he asked about me?" Kyoya asked.

"Yes, he has done that for a while, but don't worry. I wouldn't tell him your deep dark secrets even if I knew about them".

"What have you told him?"

"General facts. That you're Japanese, smart, that you're openly gay in case that's why he is asking so much-". Kyoya snorted. "-And I have confirmed several times that you don't really like zeros since he asked much about that".

"Oh No, that doesn't bode well".

"When was the last time that you confirmed that last thing?" Kyoya asked, hoping that Shinohara, as the closest thing Kyoya had to a friend on the base, hadn't told Hikaru that recently.

"At our last check-up", Shinohara answered. "He seemed more interested in the answer this time… was it a bad thing for me to tell him?"

"Yes, extremely bad. The latest checkup was either the same day Kaoru and I made up or at a later date. Both options don't sound good to me, but I would prefer if it was the first option because at least then it could be chalked up to Shinohara just not knowing yet… the other option would just immediately suggest that I was lying to Kaoru about being okay with him".

"Well, it can risk making things harder for the relationship between me and my patient", Kyoya admitted while adjusting his glasses. "Hikaru was made aware that I decided to not judge his brother for his zero status, but now he might just believe that I lied… now things can become a bit uncomfortable".

"I apologize for the mess I might have caused", Shinohara said. "I'll definitely fix this the next time I see him… and I obviously won't tell him about this conversation or he might not believe that it's sincere instead of just you 'saving face'". Shinohara wasn't a stupid man.

"I would appreciate that, thank you", Kyoya said with a fake kind smile. Not because he wasn't thankful, but he just wasn't sure how much that would help now.

Kaoru hadn't started to act differently around him yet so either Hikaru hadn't told him about it or Kaoru just assumed that Kyoya still wanted to keep up the act. Kyoya could just explain the situation to him the next time they met, but Hikaru was still a problem. That boy had a confirmation bias. "I didn't mean for you to be dragged into this weird thing I have with those two".

"And I didn't mean to make that thing more unbearable". Shinohara smiled at him. "But no more about that. Rosengard, have you planned for how you are supposed to teach your patient about the bees and the bees?"

* * *

"Do you have to leave?" Hikaru whined.

"Yes, I haven't been alone with him in a while", Kaoru said sternly. "Stop acting like a needy pet. I thought you were going to at least try to let us be".

"First of all, I didn't promise shit", Hikaru pointed out. "And second of all, I am not actively trying to break you two up, am I?"

"You're still being annoying".

"I am supposed to when it comes to boys, I'm your older brother".

"But I'm not your little sister that needs protection, I'm your twin", Kaoru reminded him and he laughed.

"My cute little sister".

"Fuck off". Kaoru walked towards the door and Hikaru finally stopped laughing.

"Are you coming back tonight like you used to?"

Kaoru stopped; his first thought was to say yes but he didn't actually know how it would be now when they were together.

"Maybe? We will see. I guess it depends on the mood...".

"Please, spare me the details". Hikaru raised his hands in surrender. "Just be careful. I'm here if something happens".

"Well… where else would you be?" Kaoru teased and Hikaru scoffed at him as he left.

Kaoru knocked on Kyoya's door when he had reached his room and waited patiently. He wasn't invited so he didn't know how much time Kyoya actually had for him, but he decided that a little time was much better than no time at all. The door opened and Kyoya smiled at him before stepping to the side so Kaoru could walk in. The door closed and Kyoya leaned down and kissed him.

"I hope I'm not disturbing you", Kaoru said when they pulled away.

"Don't worry. I don't mind being disturbed for a moment. I have some work but it's not work I enjoy doing. But we two have things we need to go over. We should probably come up with a new schedule for meeting up".

"True. I can't just come over and hope that you have time". Kaoru scratches his neck. "Should we try to meet a few nights a week? Like we sort of did when we were just hooking up?"

"Sounds good but what if I get more workload or you have a mission? Maybe we should have a signal that shows that we're up for something that day", Kyoya suggested and led Kaoru into the small living room.

"That sounds like a better idea actually". Kaoru and Kyoya sat down on the couch. "Let's have different signals. One that means: not tonight, which can mean busy, just wanting to be alone or whatever reason. One sign can mean: fuck yeah, come over-". Kyoya failed to hold back a chuckle. "-and one sign can mean that we just don't know yet and will return with an answer".

"Sounds good", Kyoya agreed. "Feels like a better option than constantly rescheduling, something that could be the problem if we have designated days. We had to reschedule many times previously, which was fine when we only had sex, but now it's different".

"We both have more workload now when I have started attempting to work out and you have taken on more responsibilities", Kaoru added.

"I could tell that you have been working out", Kyoya smirked. "But what should we use as signals? It has to be discreet to others while it's obvious to us".

"Hmmm… maybe if we're asking if the other person wants to meet up-". Kaoru put his thumb around his shin and dragged his index finger along the jawline like he was scratching it. "-I think we'll notice if it's unintentional or not. And my response for fuck yeah can be this-". Kaoru tugged his collar lightly with his right hand. "-And you can adjust your glasses… because it's intimidating in a hot way".

"It is?" Asked Kyoya with an amused smirk.

"Yes, it's something you do in the bedroom before you take them off in time for business. At least those times you remember to take them off".

The expression on Kaoru's face looked to be somewhere in between embarrassment and cheekiness. Kyoya thought it was cute.

"Oh, so I turn you on when I adjust my glasses". Kyoya dragged his index finger along one of the bows of the glasses in a teasing way before lowering his hand again.

"Yes". Kaoru gulped and his posture became a little less relaxed. "You Pavloved me".

Kyoya laughed. "Are you talking about Pavlov's dogs? I'm impressed with your knowledge".

"I don't know if I'm supposed to be flattered that you complimented me or feel insulted that you are surprised".

"I teased you so the second option makes more sense". Kyoya ruffled Kaoru's hair and Kaoru removed his hand with a pout on his lips. "You're still so cute". Kaoru immediately stopped pouting and Kyoya chuckled again. "But yes, I 'Pavloved' you. Not quite the word ending with a d that I wanted to do to you… ".

"The thing is, I know what kind of action you're talking about but I don't know which word you're referring to".

"Obviously, the word is 'pound".

"Wow… you're not even trying to be clever", Kaoru chuckled. "That was so terrible".

"Yes, I am quite disappointed in myself". Kaoru laughed. "But the offer still stands", Kyoya joked and Kaoru laughed harder. "But back to the subject. Now we have a signal for asking, and for the yes answer. Now we need signals for the other two things".

"Yes, of course. A no for me will be me scratching the base of my throat and your no will be you resting your cheek on your fist and tap on your cheekbone. Like you do when somebody says something really stupid".

"I actually do that?" Kyoya raised an eyebrow. "I guess there are things you don't notice about yourself. Like, for example, you probably don't know exactly what your body does or how your face looks when you c-".

"Fuck off", Kaoru cut him off and he laughed. "And I have masturbated before, I do know".

"But you can't see your own face when you do it", Kyoya teased. "It's quite the experience".

"I have a bathroom mirror, obviously. And I don't see how that face is attra-".

Kaoru's eyes widened and his eyebrows rose. He was too slow, too slow, this time to realize that this wasn't something he should have said to Kyoya of all people. The smirk on Kyoya's face sent shivers down his back. People had described the twins as looking like the Cheshire Cat when they smirked… no, this was a Cheshire Cat smirk!

"Oh… you like to watch yourself when you do it? Is that something you're into?" Kyoya leaned in closer so Kaoru could feel his warm breath on his face. "What exactly do you like to watch? You want to see the humiliation in your eyes as you see how your body reacts?"

"I was just-just curious!" Kaoru cried and leaned back, trying to get away from him.

Kyoya put a hand on his thigh, he made sure to pull up the hem of the pant leg of his shorts as well so he was only touching skin.

"Your body tells a different story", Kyoya whispered and the redness finally covered Kaoru's cheeks, just like Kyoya liked it. "I'd imagine that it would be funnier with someone else there with you". Kaoru turned away his head and Kyoya leaned in more so his lips were almost touching Kaoru's cheek. "Is that something that you would like? You want to watch while we're busy?" Kaoru closed his eyes and gulped; he was speechless. Kyoya knew that it was easy to take things further but they still needed to discuss the last signal and Kyoya had to finish up some work. But he would obviously keep the mirror thing in mind for the future. Unfortunately, he didn't have a mirror in his bedroom, or at least not one that was in a position that could be seen from the bed. Kyoya leaned back again and Kaoru turned to look at him again with confusion in his eyes. "So what is the signal for not having a clear answer yet?" Kaoru blinked a couple of times and breathed in and out to calm down his beating heart. Kyoya decided to give Kaoru time to collect himself.

"The… the last signal is adjusting our hair".

"For both of us?" Kyoya asked; he was clearly amused.

"Yes, I think that's discreet enough". Kaoru was still too flustered to come up with two different signals. "So, repeat every signal so I know that you remember them".

"Scratch the jaw to ask if the other one is up for a meeting. You tug your collar to the right for yes and scratch over your sternum and below your neck for no. I adjust my glasses for yes and look like someone has said something stupid for no. And at last, we both mess with our hair to show that we don't have a clear answer".

"Good, you remember".

"Don't be surprised, I have a good memory… I can assure you that I will remember more than one interesting thing from this conversation". Kyoya winked and Kaoru murmured that he should fuck off again while a pink tint lingered on his cheeks. "So, now we have our signals, a system. Now I can finally stop dwelling over that".

"Yeah, me too", Kaoru agreed and looked over at Kyoya's open computer on his desk in the bedroom (there wasn't a door between the rooms, just an opening). "You should probably return to your work now. Maybe it's time for me to leave".

The thought made Kaoru disappointed but he respected that Kyoya had things to do.

Kyoya looked in the same direction Kaoru was looking and sighed deeply before turning back to the younger male again with a small and tired smile.

"You don't have to leave. I just have to finish up and then we can talk or watch something on my computer. Not the funniest things, I know, but I can't exactly take you out… but you might be bored, so if you don't want to play with yourself in front of the mirror-".

"Stop iiiiit… ".

"-I do know that you like to draw so I have some paper and pens you can use. I know it's not professional supplies, but I believe you can draw something nice with it".

Kyoya scratched his neck; he felt like he was silly for suggesting those things. He wanted to give Kaoru something funnier to use to kill time. Kaoru would definitely have loved to play video games, but the resources were quite limited.

Kaoru still smiled kindly at him.

"That sounds nice. I draw a lot so I don't mind doing that while waiting".

"Good, that's good… do you want to wait in the bedroom where I work? I can give you something with a hard surface to have under your paper if you wait on the bed".

"You just want me ready for you when you're done". Kaoru wiggled his eyebrows as he stood up and started to move to the bedroom with Kyoya following close behind.

"You saw right through me", Kyoya joked and looked around on his desk for any paper that didn't have any scrabble on it for a few minutes while Kaoru placed himself on top of the cozy, neatly tucked in, covers; Kyoya was a neat person who actually made his bed while Kaoru couldn't be bothered.

Kyoya finally found a slightly crumpled A4 paper and handed it to Kaoru with a sheepish smile along with a newly sharpened pencil and a book that was big enough for most of the paper to fit on. That was fine, Kaoru could just move the paper around. It wasn't like Kaoru was going to draw a whole landscape… not that he could have if he wanted because he didn't have a clear landscape in his head.

"Thank you", Kaoru said. "I'm gonna sit here and play while daddy is working".

"I didn't think that was a word you wanted to use in the bedroom and this isn't quite the type of playing 'daddy' wanted... ".

"I literally hate you".

"I think this joke was more clever than the last one", Kyoya stated with a smirk and sat down on his office chair.

"And I agree. I will at least give you that".

After that, they both fell into a comfortable silence while Kyoya was trying to finish up his work as quickly as possible without making mistakes and Kaoru was making outlines of a dress he had thought about for some time.

While Kaoru was drawing, Kyoya was being distracted by thoughts of inadequacy. He knew that he didn't have to try to impress Kaoru all the time and that Kaoru was an easy person to please because of the lack of fun he was allowed to have. However, Kyoya still thought that he should have been able to treat him in some way. Kaoru's joke about feeling like a kid being given this as a distraction while his dad was working did hit a sore spot. Kyoya cursed himself for thanking no to a small TV for his room, for not having another computer or something else that could entertain Kaoru. He couldn't even give Kaoru proper paper!? But maybe Kyoya could buy Kaoru something the next time he could visit the outside world? He wanted to buy something expensive but he recalled that the exes he had, who weren't rich or gold diggers, usually hated when he spent too much money on them since it made them feel cheap and inadequate. A feeling Kyoya also felt those times when he dated men with way more money than him so he could understand. Kaoru would most likely also feel super cheap if Kyoya bought a portable game system or something like that. Would Kaoru even be allowed to have those things? And wouldn't it raise suspicion if people found out? Kyoya had to be creative if he wanted to give Kaoru something. Kaoru's birthday was coming up so Kyoya could use the next opportunity to leave the base temporarily, even if he wouldn't be able to buy anything before the birthday. However, Kaoru might still feel inadequate if he isn't able to give Kyoya anything and suggesting that Kaoru could pay him back in bed just sounded like Kaoru was a prostitute. Which wasn't exactly the desired relationship dynamic, to say the least.

Kaoru started to mutter something while he was drawing. Kyoya couldn't quite hear what he was saying but doubted that Kaoru's incoherent mumbling was directed at him. The redhead was probably only discussing with himself what he was supposed to add to the dress. It didn't disturb or annoy Kyoya so he decided against mentioning it. Besides, it was pretty cute to see him so focused. Maybe Kyoya could buy him some fashion magazines? Those wouldn't make Kaoru feel cheap and he could look through them every time he waited for Kyoya (or sneak them back to Hikaru so his equally fascinated twin could read as well, even if that wasn't the reason why Kyoya wanted to give him them). But that present still didn't feel good enough… maybe he could buy better paper and pencils for Kaoru to use without Kaoru realizing that they were of better quality?

"Because Kaoru wouldn't actually be able to know, right? I mean, who would have exposed him to that?... Tamaki is sure going to be pleased that my gift shopping for Kaoru will force me to return to him… ".

While Kyoya was proofreading his report to check that the quality was of his standard, he started to remember again that he still wanted to know about Jiro and now was a good opportunity… sure, it could be a major "mood killer" if they both did plan on having sex later, but Kyoya couldn't carry this curiosity for much longer and they could wait for a little to have sex. It wasn't the end of the world.

Kyoya turned to look at his boyfriend.

"There is something I have been wondering for a while", Kyoya bluntly stated. No need to beat around the bush.

Kaoru lifted his head and looked into Kyoya's eyes; his boyish grin was still present on his face.

"Yes, my ass is real", Kaoru joked and laughed at his own joke before turning somewhat serious. "Wha-".

"I believe you", Kyoya couldn't help but say and Kaoru laughed a little more and needed more time to compose himself this time around.

"I'm so relieved that my boyfriend isn't as stoic as everyone assumes he is", Kaoru winked at Kyoya. "But back to 'business'. What have you been wondering about?"

"I don't know if I should bring it up. It will most likely remove that smile off your face".

Kaoru's brows furrowed and his happy expression remained but turned a bit uncertain, like a confused smile.

"Well, is this something you need to get off your chest?"

"Kind of? It's not of the utmost importance. It's a mere curiosity if you will and I have waited to ask because I didn't want to risk upsetting you, but waiting might not make the situation better".

"All those fancy words", Kaoru teased. "But if it's something you want to ask then ask. We can't skip subjects just because they can hurt someone's feelings".

"It's about your late friend".

Kaoru's smile immediately disappeared from his face, only uncertainty and confusion remained. After a few seconds, a smaller smile made its way back but it didn't quite reach his almost amber eyes, eyes that always looked old compared to the rest of his young face. Kyoya didn't look into people's eyes often because it felt too intimate. He usually only glanced at them quickly because that's the only way that he could find them as beautiful as people described them as, or at least pretty. Part of the reason as to why it felt too intimate was because it felt like the other person could look right through him. Another reason was this; Kaoru's pretty eyes having a hint of ugliness in them, the ugliness of how the world had treated him. Obviously, Kyoya was still very fond of those eyes, but he would always despise all the feelings they could convey.

Kaoru gave him a look that told him that it was alright.

"So, what's your question? You're not gonna ask if he is an ex, right?" Kaoru said half-jokingly and half-seriously.

"Even if that's not the question I was going to ask, he knows me too well… or he might just be used to being close to jealous bastards", Kyoya thought.

"It's about his name actually. I can't help but notice that he is referred to as Baisotei Botan, correct?" Kyoya asked and received a small nod from the redhead. "How come he has two names? And why are some acting like calling him Botan is a huge insult to him?"

"Well, it's a complicated story", Kaoru scratched his neck and put down his pencil. "As you probably have concluded, Baisotei Botan is his birth name. But he didn't like that name, mostly because of the connections to it. Someone suggested the name Jiro and he jumped at the chance at escaping the name he had been stuck with until then".

"Yes, I gathered so much", Kyoya said, despite not actually knowing that the connections to Jiro's name were a contributor to the name change. He just assumed that Jiro agreed with Kyoya that Botan was an ugly name. "But why did everyone respect his wishes on the matter? And why did everyone just turn to use his old name all of sudden? A bit unnecessary if you ask me".

"Well… that's the complicated part of the story. As you know, technically anyone can have a child that turns out to be a zero". Kyoya nodded; he didn't quite know where Kaoru was going but he trusted that he would get there eventually. "Everyone has a chance of having a little 'surprise'. Men, women, the young, the old, the poor and powerless… the rich and powerful". That last part caught Kyoya's attention.

"So… Jiro was the son of someone important? I assume it was kept under wraps because I can't recall any public controversy".

"That assumption doesn't say much, you don't keep up with anything that happens'', Kaoru smirked. "But you are correct. Jiro was the son of Baisotei Haruka, a genius businessman. The reason as to why everyone agreed on using Jiro's chosen name was because the military base got a huge sum of money from Baisotei-san to fund their expenses if they agreed to not tell anyone about the relationship between him and Jiro… and besides, Jiro is an easier name to remember and it's a name he actually answered to so it wasn't too much to ask for people to use it".

"Okay, I think I follow so far", Kyoya murmured. "But why did everyone switch back to his old name? People can't be that mad at him for attacking you that they are willing to disrespect his and his father's wishes".

"Well no, they didn't give a fuck that it was me, even if they didn't want to risk losing my powers yet", Kaoru pulled his knees to his chest and wrapped his arms around them. "Baisotei has been a pain in the ass in later years - for reasons I'm not really aware of but he is a piece of shit. He has also been through his fair share of controversies over the years. Lots of cheating and tax scandals, from what I have heard from the doc… no you know what? It was from Jiro. Jiro has told me more about the outside world than the doctors have".

Kyoya raised his eyebrow and his eyes widened slightly.

"Jiro spied on the outside world with his powers? I didn't know that was even possible. That range, through these walls… I thought this place was built to keep zeros and their powers either out or in".

Kaoru winked at him. "I guess, but he used his time well. Anyway, people here didn't see a reason to respect either of them anymore because both are just awful people in their eyes and Jiro's official name, Botan, will be on all of the documents and his own gravestone anyway… unfortunately... I also suppose that some started to switch back and others just followed without question".

Kyoya gave him a sympathetic look. "I'm sorry for bringing this up".

"No, it's okay. I understand why you would be curious", Kaoru said with a low but clear voice. "I hope you were satisfied with the answer. How much do you have left of your work?"

"Not much", Kyoya assured with an apologetic smile. "I'll be with you in a second".

"Alright", Kaoru nodded and returned to his drawing; he didn't look as enthusiastic this time around. Kyoya sighed and corrected his text as quickly as possible before he hurried to send it to his superior. He closed the computer and walked the short distance to his bed. Kaoru looked up at Kyoya as he lowered himself down on the covers next to him and wrapped his arms around him, burying his face in the crook of his neck. Kaoru sighed and leaned into Kyoya's touch with a small smile. "I am actually okay. He has been gone for a while".

"Not for a long while", Kyoya reminded him. "It's perfectly fine for you to still be upset about it".

"I guess… but it doesn't mean that I want to be".

"Wherever you want to or not is not relevant".

"Yeah, you're right. As usual".

"I'm not always right, I think we established that previously. I'm only right now".

"Oh, you're right again". Kyoya sighed.

"Kao-" It was then he noticed the small, but noticeable teasing, smirk on the younger one's face. "Ah, you're just being yourself".

"It's that your way of calling me annoying?"

"Yes".

Kaoru couldn't help himself but laugh and even Kyoya cracked up a little.

It relaxed the older male that Kaoru wasn't too affected by the conversation… or maybe he was just hiding it? Whatever reason, Kaoru obviously didn't want to dwell on it right now and clearly just wanted to move on.

"That's the best way of insulting someone", Kaoru put everything he previously used on the nightstand so he wouldn't accidentally push them down or crumble his drawing. "My spirit is now officially broken, good job".

"For your spirit to be broken you have to have a spirit to begin with", Kyoya chuckled.

Kaoru looked at him; his eyes were wide and his jaw dropped as he looked fake offended over Kyoya's response.

"So I'm annoying and soulless?" Kaoru blinked a couple of times in disbelief over his boyfriend's teasing. "Anything more you want to roast me about?"

"Yes, but I actually have to go to work tomorrow morning… ".

"Oh, fuck you. You killed me". This time Kyoya laughed the hardest and Kaoru tried his best but failed to prevent himself from laughing along. "I didn't come here to be treated like this".

"You didn't come to get treated roughly in my bed?" Kyoya asked with a cheeky grin.

"S-stop this!" Kaoru cried. "Now you're back to the sexual jokes again!"

"That I am", Kyoya smirked and pushed Kaoru down on the bed.

He straddled him and pinned his arms into the mattress. Kaoru gulped nervously but still managed to smirk back.

"Something you have been dying to do, aye?" Kaoru cheekily teased. "Couldn't hold back any longer?"

"You have no idea", Kyoya answered breathlessly. "Are you... able to stay for a while?"

"I sure am. So what are you going to do to me?"

"You know exactly what I'm going to do to you", Kyoya murmured and pressed his lips against Kaoru's in a needy kiss before he pulled away again.

"I don't think I know exactly what your sadistic mind has decided to put me through", Kaoru confessed honestly with a small and happy smile on his face.

"Only things I know that you'll enjoy, don't worry", Kyoya promised quietly. He put his arms on each side of Kaoru's body and lowered himself down until their chests were touching. Kyoya made sure that he didn't lay all of his body weight on the smaller boy as he started to place kisses all over his neck and collar bones while Kaoru whined and giggled.

"Is this the substitute for hickeys?" Kaoru chuckled.

Kyoya lifted his head slightly. "Maybe. You said you didn't want that".

"Yeah, I don't want to get everyone's attention for that".

"Soo… it's alright as long as they are in a place where no one can see them?" Kyoya looked up and grinned at him.

"I… I guess but I wear shorts and t-shirts most of the time".

"Not an issue", Kyoya promised and leaned down to kiss him again. This time it was rougher and it quickly turned into a make out session. Kaoru's arms were still laying above his head in the same position Kyoya had pinned them down previously. Kyoya knew that Kaoru most likely wanted to hold him in any way but he really didn't want to step over his boundaries. Kyoya was very thankful for that but decided to take a small risk. The older male pulled away from Kaoru who whined impatiently. "Someone is eager", Kyoya chuckled. "But I want to establish something before we move on". Kaoru nodded. "You are allowed to touch my shoulders and up only, understand?"

Kaoru's eyes widened. "Are you sure?"

"Yes, don't worry. It's not as bad there. I'll let you know if I don't like it. Trust me, I trust you".

Kaoru gave him one last worried glance and hesitantly put his hands on Kyoya's neck before he (not so hesitantly) pulled him down for another hard kiss. Kyoya kissed him back with just as much enthusiasm. One of Kyoya's hands started to unzip Kaoru's shorts. Kaoru grinned against his lips and they pulled away temporarily so Kyoya could sit up on his knees and pull off his shorts. Kaoru helped by kicking them the rest of the way before he flew up and started to unzip Kyoya's own pants and pulled them down to Kyoya's mid-thigh. Because Kyoya's position prevented them from going down lower. Even if Kyoya got some interesting images playing around in his head by seeing Kaoru that close to his crotch he decided that he had waited for too long to just play around.

"If this was at another time, I would make good use of that mouth of yours", Kyoya said warningly while putting his fingers under Kaoru's chin and lifted his head so they looked into each other's eyes.

"At another time?" Kaoru repeated with a raised eyebrow. "Why wait?"

Kyoya smirked darkly. "Because that's not the part of you I really want to have fun with today. I want to spare all my energy to really make sure that you feel me even tomorrow".

"That better be a promise", Kaoru smirked devilishly but Kyoya could see his more nervous side beneath the surface. Not nervous in a bad way because Kaoru clearly wanted this.

"It is. Now lie back down", Kyoya ordered and Kaoru chuckled before he did what he had been told.

While watching Kyoya take off his pants the rest of the way; Kaoru decided that he might as well just remove his shirt so he quickly did that before lying down again with his hands resting on top of his own naked chest. After Kyoya had finally kicked off his restricting jeans; he looked back down at Kaoru again with hungry eyes.

"Like what you see?" Kaoru teased and traced his fingers up his chest and Kyoya grabbed his hand before he could reach the most sensitive part.

"Am I stepping on your territory now?" Kaoru chuckled.

"I don't want you to go too far ahead without me", Kyoya huskily whispered in Kaoru's ear and it sent shivers down his spine. "Are you sure that you're not more eager than me?" Kaoru was indeed painfully hard at this point (thanks to teenage hormones) but a discreet quick glance at Kyoya's own crotch told him that Kyoya wasn't much better off. "You're already almost naked". Kyoya discarded his glasses in the same fashion as he usually did; this time being more conscious of the effect it had on Kaoru.

"I just want to get ready for you. You're too slow, I thought you were done waiting".

Kyoya grabbed Kaoru's hips and pulled him closer towards himself. It was so out of nowhere that Kaoru made a surprised yelp. Kyoya lifted the younger male's lower body upwards and grinded down against him, partly to cause friction between their clothed members and partly to show off his own strength.

"You're going to regret egging me up later".

"That better… ngh", Kaoru groaned quietly as Kyoya rubbed up against him. "That better be another promise".

"Believe me, it is", Kyoya told him. "Now be a good boy and wait here". Kyoya moved to the nightstand to retrieve the familiar bottle before moving back to Kaoru who had not moved. "Good boy". Kaoru wasn't sure if he liked being called that or not. It wasn't a turn off so he didn't say anything, he just smiled back.

Kyoya put the bottle next to Kaoru's right leg before he hooked his fingers under the younger male's waistband of his boxers and together they got rid of the last article of clothing left on his body, leaving him completely exposed. If Kaoru had been someone else he would have been shyer about this but he knew that Kyoya enjoyed everything he was seeing and he had never had any problem showing his body. Kyoya grabbed the bottle and out of habit Kaoru bent his leg so his feet were placed flat on the bed and spread them. Kyoya chuckled darkly and a tint of pink appeared in Kaoru's cheeks; he was acting so needy right now. Kyoya looked so smug when he grabbed Kaoru's thigh roughly with one hand and, much more carefully, his hard member with his other hand. He stroked him a couple of times so precum ran down the back of his hand with an annoying smirk on his face as Kaoru whined into the back of his own hand.

"No don't silence yourself", Kyoya said with a disappointed look on his face as he slowed down with the strokes. This time Kaoru whined mostly because he wanted him to go faster. "How am I supposed to hear you beg for me if you have your hand there".

Kaoru glared impatiently at him and removed his hand.

"Fuck you". His glare turned into a challenging grin. "You really think you'll make me beg for you? I thought you wanted to get in me as fast as possible".

"I know I'll make you beg", Kyoya assured him confidentially.

"We'll see who breaks first".

"Have you forgotten which one of us was a virgin just a couple of months ago?" Kyoya let go of Kaoru's length for a moment to open the cap of the bottle and squirted a generous amount of lube on his ring finger and pushed it into the redhead, who didn't react much because it wasn't too much of an intrusion. "And I am still the only one who has had you this way. You want this just as much". He slowly moved it in and out, taking longer than needed, and Kaoru groaned impatiently.

"Ngh come one, you know I can take more than that at this point", Kaoru crosses his arms. "Like you said, I'm clearly not a virgin anymore".

"You want more fingers? Sorry I can't hear you properly". Kaoru was about to answer when he realized what Kyoya was doing.

But he was not going to beg. No matter how badly he wanted him to speed things up. Despite how much Kyoya wanted things to escalate as well, he continued to torture Kaoru by slowly opening him up with the same finger while just as slowly stroking his leaking member. Kaoru glared at him while sometimes letting out shallow moans.

"Fucking asshole", Kaoru thought and internally cried of relief when Kyoya finally inserted another finger but to his chagrin, it was his pinky. He was just outright sadistic at this point.

"What was that sound?" Kyoya asked even if he already knew the answer.

Kaoru mentally cursed himself for making that needy sound. Kaoru turned his head to look at the headboard instead to try to hide how much redder his cheeks were now. He yelped in surprise as he felt Kyoya nibble and suck on his inner thighs; he didn't even know that was a sensitive spot in the first place! Unfair! It was obviously not as sensitive as for example his leaking length but Kyoya wasn't taking the most pleasurable measures right now.

"Don't you want me to hurry up? I know that you want me to stretch you more thoroughly so I can fuck you into the mattress. You only have to tell me what you want". Trying a new strategy, Kyoya pushed his fingers so deeply and slowly into him that the knuckles were touching the entrance (he would probably have preferred to do that with his long finger and middle finger instead but he had already made his choices). Kaoru's eyes widened and he inhaled in surprise. Kyoya let go of Kaoru's member and grabbed his thigh again instead to prevent Kaoru from moving in any direction. "What are the magic words, Kaoru?" Kyoya wiggled his fingers slightly so pressed against his g-spot that he could find easily but not nearly hard enough. This time Kaoru didn't care at all about the impatient and needy noise he made.

"You are the worst!"

"What are the words, Kaoru?"

"Ugh p-please!"

"Please what?"

"Please go faster so you can fuck me!" Kyoya was clearly taken aback by how blunt Kaoru was but quickly recovered. Kaoru felt ashamed but decided to just not care right now. "Please…ngh!" Kaoru moaned a little louder as Kyoya pulled out and pushed his fingers back in harder while adding another finger.

"Good boy. I'm going to give you what you want", Kyoya promised devilishly. He pulled out again and added another finger, now using four in total, before once again harshly pushing them into the squirming boy beneath him. To not cover his mouth again out of embarrassment Kaoru grabbed the headboard harshly out of old habit. Kyoya complimented him again for obeying and Kaoru started to suspect that he had some sort of kink for this kind of thing because he was still turned on despite the humiliation. Or was it despite? "Well you do like watching yourself in the mirror", Kyoya teased and Kaoru loudly cursed himself for accidentally saying that out loud. "Still so cute".

Kyoya pulled out his fingers completely when he thought that Kaoru had been prepped thoroughly enough. He hadn't taken as much time as he had previously because of how used (and impatient) Kaoru seemed to be at this point. He grabbed the bottle again and squirted some more lube into his hand and rubbed it on his own member before he positioned it at Kaoru's entrance. Slowly Kyoya pushed in; both of them had scrunched up faces but only Kaoru was in some degree of pain (even if it was just a little).

"One of the best parts", Kyoya groaned quietly with a sheepish grin on his face. He climbed up Kaoru's body, holding himself upwards with one arm on each side of him, so they were face to face. Kaoru slapped him playfully on the shoulder and told him that he was a prick. There was a brief second when he regretted that action in case Kyoya had issues with that but he relaxed when he saw that Kyoya's expression and body language hadn't changed. "Don't tense up, my movements are already restricted enough", Kyoya growled into his ear. Kaoru hadn't realized that he had done that. "Do you want me to prep you more? I don't want you to be uncomfortable".

"Fuck no", Kaoru answered and he, a little more confidently, placed his hands on Kyoya's shoulders. "Now keep your promises and move… agh!" Kaoru was cut off by a particularly forceful thrust that made louder moans erupt from him. Kyoya kept thrusting into him with the same unforgiving pace. Kaoru was being very loud right next to Kyoya's ear every time he pushed into him violently. "Kya… ah!" His voice died in his throat when Kyoya raised himself, grabbed Kaoru's legs and almost bent him in half before starting to pound him harder. Kaoru was going between chanting Kyoya's name, moaning incoherently or barely being able to make sounds at all at the times when Kyoya put more strength into his thrusts. Kaoru thought that Kyoya's own moans were louder than usual; he was not trying to hold them back this time around.

Kyoya noticed that Kaoru's head was moving too close to the headboard so he pulled him by his thighs closer to himself roughly which made his member go in deeper into the younger male. A particular long whine escaped the redhead's lips. Kyoya chuckled darkly and breathlessly. He leaned back and slowed down his movements but pounded Kaoru just as hard so his frantic chanting turned into drawn-out and needy moans. Kyoya was too far away from Kaoru now so his hands had fallen down to the bed from Kyoya's broad shoulders.

"Fucking tease", Kaoru thought and groaned in tandem with Kyoya when the angle was just right and hit straight on Kaoru's g-spot.

Kyoya looked straight into Kaoru's eyes with determination. He wrapped his fingers around Kaoru's leaking member.

"I'm the only one who has had you like this. The only one who has ever been inside you, right?" Kyoya growled to Kaoru while pushing in as deep as possible and stroking him. Kaoru cried out and nodded frantically. But that wasn't good enough. Kyoya stopped thrusting while being embedded in him and his strokes were slow and torturous again. "Say it Kaoru. I want to hear you say it".

"Yes!" Kaoru cried. "No-no one has… been inside me, o-only you!" Kaoru's face was burning at this point; he wasn't sure if it was only because of what Kyoya made him say or if it was also because he actually enjoyed Kyoya's dirty talk and possessiveness.

Kyoya was visibly pleased with the answer but wasn't quite done.

"You only know how it feels to have my cock inside you. Like you feel me now, stretching you. Do you feel me in you? Filling you up?" Kaoru had never had this experience before, Kyoya had never talked to him like this during sex. It was definitely not an unwanted development. By talking about it, Kaoru became much more aware of Kyoya's member inside of him and how much smaller he was. Kyoya was unlocking some things within his mind that he hadn't known about before.

"Yes!... ah!" Kaoru's voice got louder as Kyoya started to stroke him quicker so more precum covered his hand. "I-I feel y-you… so good, please give me more… ", Kaoru begged.

With the hand that wasn't jerking Kaoru off, Kyoya reached up to Kaoru's chest and pinched one of Kaoru's nipples; it made Kaoru moan and the stimulation from different angles made his eyes water.

"Soon, Kaoru. You'll get it harder soon, don't worry. You're doing so good", Kyoya assured and started to move slowly and hard again. Kaoru started to shamelessly beg for him to go faster and groan in pleasure. "Such a needy little thing… look how badly you want it".

Kaoru nodded and to both of their surprise he said: "Yes! Please, I need… ". Once again he was cut off by his own moan.

"... You're so good to me", Kyoya whispered and leaned down to press several kisses on his chest before leaning back again. "I am the only one who's ever going to see you like this, feel you like this. You feel so good around me, you have no idea. I'm the only one who'll ever know how it feels like".

"The o-only one", Kaoru agreed and yelped when Kyoya gave his nipple one last squeeze before grabbing Kaoru's thigh instead. "No one e-else will! I only want you inside me...".

"That's good. You're being very good… I'll give you what you want", Kyoya leaned down and started to speed up again to fuck Kaoru just the way he wanted. Just the way he had begged for. Kaoru started to moan loudly again while now also chanting about how good it felt and repeating that only Kyoya could have him.

Thanks to the way Kyoya had talked to Kaoru, plus the combination of being riled and stroked, Kaoru came pretty quickly thereafter with a large shout and tears running down his cheeks, but Kyoya wasn't done yet. He was still hard and determined to make sure that Kaoru would still be able to feel the aftermath of their encounter for some time afterward. Kyoya pulled out of Kaoru, grabbed his legs and swiftly turned him around so he was lying flat on his stomach.

Spent and exhausted, but still wanting Kyoya to come; Kaoru looked up at his boyfriends with a tired and confused expression. "Wha-".

Kyoya leaned down and kissed him and the lips before he hovered over Kaoru's ear. "Don't worry, I'm not done playing with you just yet", he huskily whispered and grabbed Kaoru's hips. Kaoru realized what was happening and tried to spread his legs for as far as Kyoya's hands would let them. "This might hurt a little more than before, but you wanted me to keep my promise, right?"

"Yeah", Kaoru breathed out and laid his head down on the mattress again. At first, he was a bit confused but he immediately understood as soon as Kyoya, quicker than before, pushed into him again. Kaoru's whined as it felt like Kyoya's length had become bigger; this position plus Kyoya not spreading him out was definitely making the entrance tighter around him. It didn't hurt that much luckily and the groan Kyoya emitted told Kaoru that he was thoroughly enjoying this new position.

"Are you alright?" Kyoya asked; he sounded a little worried. Kaoru could tell that he really wanted to continue but not if Kaoru didn't want him to.

Kaoru turned his head as far as possible to be able to look at him. Despite not having the same energy anymore, Kaoru mustered up: "Are you fucking me or not?"

Kyoya smirked.

"Strong words from someone who looks like he is about to fall asleep…. Maybe I should have waited a little longer to make you cum. Will you still be able to be loud I wonder? I really want to hear more of those sweet noises".

With a bruising grip on Kaoru's hips, Kyoya resumed his brutal treatment and pushed in and out of the younger boy just as hard and quick as before while grunting every time his member was fully engulfed in the tight little body beneath him. Kaoru started to moan loudly again as Kyoya was stretching his walls and assaulting the ball of nerves inside of him; he almost screamed into the mattress.

Not being completely satisfied with the restriction of the position; Kyoya lifted Kaoru's hips to increase his range of movements. The new angle made Kaoru choke on his moans and Kyoya finally pushed in deeply one last time and came inside with a loud groan. Kaoru made a small noise as he felt his boyfriend release in him. The redhead was put down on the bed again and, without pulling out, Kyoya laid down and turned Kaoru so he was spooning him. The taller male wrapped his arms around the redhead and placed a few kisses on his sweaty shoulders. Kaoru felt his uneven breaths on his skin; he was clearly still a bit winded from the 'work out'.

"I hope I left you sore in a good way", Kyoya said in between breaths and Kaoru turned his head again to look back at him so his neck hurt.

"Is that your way of asking if I'm sore and if I'm thankful that you decided to keep your promise to leave me sore for a long time? Kaoru asked with an amused look on his face. "Because yes, I am sore and it's in a good way".

"Good, because I started to feel bad". Kaoru laughed.

"You are so possessive and a fun asshole in bed", Kaoru teased but Kyoya's hold on him became stiffer. "What?"

"I… I should have asked beforehand if you were okay with that kind of degrading talk. I should have checked if you liked being talked to like that in bed or if you would feel bad", Kyoya explained and Kaoru could imagine him looking ashamed of himself; he had to strain his neck if he actually wanted to check. "I'm sorry. I hope you didn't feel like you had to say all that I asked for".

"It did come a little out of nowhere, I won't deny that". Kyoya tensed up more but Kaoru grabbed his hand and squeezed it. "But I also can't deny that I liked it more than I expected and it probably helped me come quicker even if it did feel a little humiliating… I guess that was part of the reason, I seem to have a kink for that. Damn".

This time it was Kyoya's turn to laugh and Kaoru felt how his hold relaxed around him again.

"You looked completely ravishing while you talked about how I was the only one allowed to put my-".

"Shut up!" Kaoru exclaimed and Kyoya snickered at his 'cute boyfriend's' embarrassment.

"Even if I really like cuddling with you we should probably clean up, change the sheets and come back to bed cleaner… or maybe you're still not allowed to use my shampoo".

"No, it's alright because I'll still smell like you if- I mean, Hikaru is becoming less weird about it". Kaoru almost said that Hikaru knew that a Kaoru might stay the night and might smell like him anyway but he didn't want to bring it up in case Kyoya didn't really want him to sleep over. Maybe it was stupid to think that Kyoya would just make him leave when he had become way more affectionate after he confessed his feelings to Kaoru (or even for some time before that). But you never know.

"Okay, that's good", Kyoya said and slowly pulled out of Kaoru who flinched. It seems like Kyoya had noticed.

"I hope this won't become too bothersome for you".

Kaoru chuckled.

"No, you want to watch me struggle after being impaled". Kaoru rolled his eyes with an amused look on his face. Kyoya commented about his choice of words as Kaoru turned his head and looked up and down Kyoya's body before turning back while saying: "Yess", In a short celebration.

"What?" Kyoya said and turned Kaoru's whole body towards him so Kaoru could see his confused but amused expression. "What are you so glad about?"

"That you came out clean… I had a big meal earlier today".

Kyoya blinked a couple of times before bursting out laughing.

"You didn't prepare for the possibility that we would have sex if we were finally alone again?" He asked when he had calmed down.

Kaoru smiled sheepishly.

"When I realized, it was too late. I usually plan my meals better if this has a possibility to occur".

"You don't have to stress too much about it. I choose this life". Kaoru laughed before Kyoya silenced him with a deep kiss. "Do you need help to clean up?" He asked when they pulled away. "Or at least help with getting into the shower?"

"Yes, please", Kaoru said after trying to move. Even sitting up felt like an unattainable goal right now. Kyoya sure hadn't pulled any punches.

Kyota grinned at him, shuffled to the edge of the bed and stood up. He leaned over Kaoru and pulled his grunting form towards the edge as well and walked over to the bathroom. "I'm just going to prepare the shower so the water is warm when you get in", Kyoya turned around and explained. "I wish I had a bathtub because then I could have let you use that instead".

"Don't worry about it", Kaoru dismissed. "I prefer getting clean as soon as possible so I can go to bed anyway… but you might have to help me… don't look at me like that, there is no way I'll let you fuck me in the shower after making me unable to sit".

"Don't worry, I'm very tired as well", Kyoya chuckled and disappeared into the bathroom.

Kaoru tried to sit up once more but it burned too much so he lied down again. It still hurt to lie on his ass and he knew that the best decision was to lay on his stomach, but he refused to give Kyoya the satisfaction of seeing him like that. Part of the reason why was that he knew that there was a chance that it would make Kyoya want to go for another round and Kaoru would most likely let him despite knowing that he probably should give his poor body a break.

Kyoya returned from the bathroom and Kaoru noticed that he had changed his shirt from his loose button-down to a black t-shirt. Kaoru assumed that he didn't want to step into the shower while helping Kaoru with a button-down even if it already needed to be washed. It saddened Kaoru that Kyoya was so insecure that he couldn't risk Kaoru seeing him without a shirt in any way. He hoped that Kyoya would be truly comfortable with him one day.

"Now let's get the princess cleaned up", Kyoya stated and chuckled when he was once again told to shut up.

He walked to the bed, leaned down and lifted Kaoru up bridal style.

"You don't have to carry me like this!" Kaoru exclaimed. "You just had to support me while I walked!"

"But I like it this way", Kyoya smirked and "escorted" his complaining boyfriend to the bathroom. He carefully put Kaoru down on his weak legs that would have given out if Kyoya wasn't holding him up. "I sure did a number on you".

"Yes and stop looking so smug about it".

After letting Kaoru test the temperature of the water, Kyoya helped him into the shower under the stream. Kaoru put his hands on the wall for support and Kyoya let go of him when he was sure that Kaoru was able to stand up without him.

"You don't need help with being cleaned up, right? I will definitely help if needed".

"I'm just going to get dirtier if you help me".

"That's true".

"I'll be alright on my own", Kaoru assured.

"Good, then I'll clean up in the bedroom… and in here", Kyoya added when he glanced at the floor. Kaoru was too exhausted to ask what it was when he saw Kyoya clean something up from the floor and leave the bathroom. Kaoru sighed and rolled his sore back muscles. Deciding that the hair was the best starting point; Kaoru grabbed Kyoya's shampoo bottle and carefully massaged it into his scalp and through his thick red hair. It always felt much better every time he used Kyoya's stuff; he always felt way more clean and appealing. Running through his own really soft hair after drying was the best feeling. Hikaru didn't understand and he would never use Kyoya's shampoo either to find out.

When Kaoru was about to move on to cleaning the rest of his body, he finally realized that Kyoya had been cleaning up previously. His cheeks turned red as he saw the trail of cum run down his legs. Because of the fact that condoms weren't available, this wasn't a new occurrence but he hadn't made a mess on the floor before. It also surprised him that Kyoya hadn't made a bigger deal of it considering how neat of a person he was.

Kaoru hurried to wash his body and used his fingers to thoroughly make sure that he was completely "cleaned out" and was just about clean the mess at the front when Kyoya returned. Kaoru was relieved that Kyoya hadn't been quick enough to witness "Kaoru digging".

"I'm just checking in shortly to ask if you're staying the night and if you want to borrow some clothes to sleep in", Kyoya asked and his eyebrow rose when he saw the surprise on Kaoru's face. "I mean, I promised that we would cuddle afterward and I didn't think that you would appreciate going back like this with me helping you the whole way. Hikaru surely wouldn't appreciate it".

Kaoru smiled. "I would like to stay, Yes. Hikaru wouldn't be worried… do you really want me to stay or is this just for my sake?" Kaoru asked shyly.

"I came up with more than one argument for you to stay here, right?" Kyoya gave him a kind smile back. "You have to leave pretty early but I would appreciate it if you stayed until then".

"That… that's good then. And yes, I would like to borrow a shirt or something for sleeping. I'm almost done here as well so you can jump in".

"Then I'll be back in a sec with your PJs. You might have to use your own shorts if I don't have a smaller pair somewhere".

Before Kyoya left he hung up a new towel on the rack next to the shower that he told Kaoru that he could use. As Kaoru turned off the water and slowly and carefully stepped out of the shower, Kyoya came back and put Kaoru's underwear and shorts, and one of Kyoya's own long-sleeved loose shirts, on the toilet lid. He had his own PJs still in his arms that he would change into after he had cleaned himself up.

Kaoru started to dry himself with the somewhat thin towel while Kyoya leaned against the wall, lazily looking at him. His eyebrow shot up.

"How did you get them there?"

"Huh?" Was Kaoru's response as he wrapped his wet hair into the towel and walked towards the toilet. Kyoya's eyes were following his movements.

"Sorry, I meant how did you get those scars on your back?" Kyoya explained. "Seems like a weird position".

Kaoru assumed that he meant the marks on his lower back on the left side. "Not that weird. I guess I once slept on my stomach on a mission when I made them". Kaoru had pulled up his briefs during the conversation and was now putting on the shirt. "Did you just notice them now? I believe they are at least a couple of months old. Maybe even years. ".

"Well you do have a lot of them so I don't always focus on just some of them at a time. I just now noticed those".

"Better that you noticed them now rather than while we have sex", Kaoru cheekily remarked and pulled the shirt over his damp head. "That would have been a mood killer if you had started to wonder how the hell they got there in the first place during that".

Kyoya did not seem to be as amused as he was. Kaoru was about to walk out of the room now when he was fully dressed when he felt hands gently grab his waist. His eyebrows scrunched up as he felt the shirt being lifted up slightly and fingers started to massage the scarred skin. Kaoru couldn't move for a few seconds because he was so shocked.

Kaoru finally found his voice. "What are you… is this really bothering you this much?" Kaoru asked softly in disbelief. "I mean, I guess I understand that you obviously don't like to see the aftermath of me being hurt, but I assumed you had already accepted my 'fate'".

"Doesn't mean that I like it", Kyoya mumbled against his neck. "Does it… does it hurt a lot when you do it?"

Kaoru sighed; it was probably for the best if he was as honest as possible even if Kyoya wouldn't like the answer.

"How much it hurts depends on where I make them and how deep. The ones on my stomach and inner thighs hurt the most, I think. You really don't have to worry so much. It only hurts for a short while and then it disappears".

"But you shouldn't be hurt at all… and you still have scars even if it doesn't hurt anymore".

"The pain isn't too bad", Kaoru dismissed. "And about the scars, it's still just skin. The way my skin looks doesn't change anything else about me. I mean, I still managed to get a man, right?" This time Kyoya did let out a small and short chuckle and kissed Kaoru's cheek before letting him go.

"That you did", Kyoya agreed.

He was clearly not fully over this but knew that he was being very emotional over something that couldn't be changed.

"I have extra toothbrushes in the cabinet over here. You can brush your teeth in the kitchen while I shower".

"Sounds good to me". Kaoru smiled at him as he grabbed one of the unpacked toothbrushes, squirted some toothpaste on it and left for the kitchen.

Kyoya closed the door after him and locked it. Kaoru's shorts were still in there but Kaoru had decided to only sleep in his underwear and the shirt… and it's not like the shorts were much longer than the briefs so they wouldn't cover much.

Kaoru was finished before Kyoya so he placed the toothbrush on a piece of paper on the counter and went to lie down on the bed. Moving was still not super easy for him but the warm water had helped his muscles relax. When he laid down on the new and clean covers he finally saw another surprise when his briefs rode up a little. A couple of hickeys covered his inner thighs close to his groin.

"You're probably very proud of that, you bastard", Kaoru thought out loud and pulled the covers over his body.

It felt rather exciting to sleep in Kyoya's bed. It felt more intimate than what they had done a little earlier, maybe it was because this could be more romantic and affectionate while they have had sex long before they developed feelings for each other.

Kyoya's bed was warmer, more comfortable, and overall nicer than his own. It wasn't a surprising discovery because Kaoru had been on that bed several times previously, but for some reason, now when he was going to sleep in it, it really drove home once again how much better everyone was treated in comparison to the Boys. He had never really questioned why that was. The Boys were seen as useful, even crucial, to the operations but they weren't treated like they were.

The door to the bathroom opened and Kyoya stepped out dressed in black sweatpants and a grey t-shirt. Kaoru assumed that he had already brushed his teeth as well because he had been gone for longer than what was expected of a "quick shower". Kyoya smiled when his eyes landed on him.

"I see that you have made yourself comfortable", he commented and walked towards him.

"Yes. You didn't expect me to sleep on the covers, right?" Kaoru teased as Kyoya crawled into the bed beside him and draped an arm around him.

"Of course not. I've already made you uncomfortable enough", Kyoya pointed out and Kaoru scoffed. "You also forgot your shorts".

"'Forgetting them' was a conscious choice on my part. I'm warm enough", Kaoru assures and scoffed again when he said: "Can I actually know for sure that you have made me uncomfortable enough?"

Kyoya chuckled. "I can assure you that I'll be way too exhausted in the morning for a quickie before work… I should probably warn you that I'm not very pleasant in the morning and that you shouldn't take my horrible mood personally".

Kaoru snorted. "I think I'll manage. I am used to assholes".

"I believe you, I just wanted to warn you beforehand".

"I have heard before from others that you're really not a 'morning person'. Now I'll finally see what they meant".

"People sure enjoy talking about me", Kyoya sighed. "But I'm glad that this is a universal fact if it means that people continue to leave me alone in the morning".

Kaoru laughed. "That's an exceptional way of looking at this", Kaoru told him and leaned in closer into his touch.

"I'm glad that we agree on that", Kyoya responded and both of them laughed.

Kaoru woke up again, hours later, when Kyoya was moving and making noises. At first, he was annoyed because his precious, precious sleep had been interrupted but the realization that Kyoya was talking in his sleep quickly brought a wide and mischievous grin to his face. This could be some fun leverage to use to tease his boyfriend with later. Kaoru moved closer to be able to hear exactly what Kyoya was saying, hoping for some really weird shit, but his smile quickly dropped. Finally being awake enough, Kaoru noticed how distressed Kyoya looked; how much he was sweating, how much he was whining and how scared he seemed to be. His words were inaudible so Kaoru couldn't make out what he was saying but his heart broke at just the sight. The best course of action wasn't clear to the young redhead. Did the same rules for what not to do with people who were sleepwalking apply to people who were merely talking in their sleep? Should Kaoru wake him up even if it wasn't just as dangerous? Maybe he should try to calm him down first?

Kaoru had noticed that Kyoya had, during his nightmares, rolled away from Kaoru so Kaoru scooted over closer to him so Kyoya's back was against his chest. Kaoru wrapped his arm around Kyoya's middle and, when he was sure that Kyoya wasn't going to accidentally become violent in his sleep, placed a few kisses on his shoulder blades. Not unlike what Kyoya had done previously. The older male seemed to calm down somewhat when Kaoru held him.

"It's alright, it's alright", Kaoru whispered. "I'm here. You're okay, you are alright. We are both alright… You're not alone. There is nothing to be afraid of".

Kaoru wasn't sure exactly what he was supposed to say because he didn't actually know what Kyoya was dreaming about. He just said different things and hoped that either some of the things would help or that just the sound of his voice would transcend into the dream and be some sort of comfort.

After a few minutes of chanting over and over again that everything was alright, Kyoya seemed to finally calm down and go back to a more calm sleep. Still exhausted, Kaoru wasn't able to stay awake for much longer and fell asleep soon after as well; not thinking much of what had just occurred.

* * *

Kaoru tried his best to not give away the activities he had been up to the night before, but unfortunately Kyoya had been able to hold up to his promise so it wasn't easy. So far Hikaru hadn't mentioned it so Kaoru might have been the only person who actually noticed (because he knew what to look for). Or maybe Hikaru _had_ noticed, as someone who actually knew what his brother would most likely have been up to, but decided not to mention it because it was awkward… or because he would much rather nag Kaoru about him using Kyoya's shampoo again. The priorities of that boy, but Kaoru preferred this and not him mentioning Kaoru's obvious soreness. However, it really was a (for once unpleasant) pain in the ass that Hikaru still tried to force him into showering when he got back. Not as enthusiastically as before, mind you, but still an annoyance.

After some fighting about Kaoru needing to shower (too early) in the morning, the boys eventually went back to sleep for a few hours until it was really time to get up. Both were tired, but Kaoru was without a doubt more so.

"We have two meetings today and training", Hikaru reminded Kaoru with a yawn as he tried to rub the sleep from his eyes. "One meeting about the next dream mission and one meeting about the specifics of our first mission in the outside world. It's going to be interesting to see exactly what we're supposed to do. Like, I obviously don't think we're going to do something really important, but they have to let us do something useful. Otherwise, why would they even let us come with?"

"Yeah, I wonder too", Kaoru nodded. He was completely fine with Hikaru pretending that he hadn't yelled at him for using his boyfriend's shampoo a few hours earlier. "They could probably do the mission without us but we have to be necessary in some way. This is the military, 'not take your kids to work day"'. Hikaru chuckled at that comment and Kaoru was proud. Ever since he had heard a doctor make a similar comment he had wanted to use it.

Hikaru suddenly looked serious again.

"Does… does Kyoya even know that you agreed to a _psychical_ mission?" He hesitantly asked. Kaoru knew the cause of this question was more because of curiosity rather than actual worry or concern in any degree. "He seems like a possessive bastard that doesn't want you to do anything kind of painful, that's all". Or maybe Hikaru just wanted to find more flaws in their relationship. Joy.

"You talk like you haven't expressed that you hate this as well", Kaoru said and gestures towards one of his scarred thighs (and had a heart attack that lasted a second when he realized that Kyoya had left some gifts there, but luckily they weren't that visible). Kaoru had told Hikaru previously that Kyoya didn't like his zero sacrifices either in hope that Hikaru would see that Kyoya's feelings were genuine, but it had the opposite effect. Now Hikaru was convinced that Kyoya thought of Kaoru as something helpless. Oh, joy. "And I have actually forgotten to tell him. I swear that's the only reason. Yeah, he would obviously not be too happy about it but, again, that's not why I haven't told him".

"Don't you think you should?"

"I probably should, yeah. I have had other things on my mind, I didn't get to this yet… he won't be as crazy about it as you think", Kaoru said when Hikaru looked at him with a smug smirk that suggested that he didn't believe him. Hikaru raised his hands in surrender but his expression remained the same.

"Whatever you say, Kaoru-Chan", Hikaru responded teasingly.

The older twin stretched his arms and back before jumping up from his bed. He hesitated for a moment as he became wobbly. He closed his eyes a few seconds before blinking a couple of times to get rid of the darkness and different colored spots that covered his vision.

He straightened his back and walked into the bathroom without closing or locking the door. The twins rarely did lock it because there was only one shower, one sink, one toilet and one bin (and they were all in that room). It was just more sufficient to have it unlocked so one didn't have to wait to use the toilet just because the other one was showering. When they were younger they even showered together because it was quicker, but they were both older, bigger and generally wanted a little more privacy now… they might have been extremely close but even they didn't want to be in the same shower when they "took care of business".

Kaoru closed his eyes and sighed before opening them again. Way slower than his twin, Kaoru stood up and carefully stretched his limbs until he heard enough satisfying pops to be assured that his body felt mobile enough. He didn't believe that he had ever stumbled upon any evidence for this being a sufficient part of his morning routine, but he digressed. Kaoru walked into the bathroom and prepared his toothbrush, his brother was already brushing his teeth while sitting on the toilet lid. The first twin in always got the only seat in the bathroom. If Kaoru got it, Hikaru usually left to sit on his bed after giving up on trying to find a comfortable position on the edge of the tub. Risking dripping toothpaste on the bed felt so undesirable that Kaoru didn't do the same thing. Instead, if Hikaru was the first one in the bathroom, Kaoru just stood in front of the sink (like a normal person). For some reason, he also couldn't keep his eyes away from his own reflection every time that happened. Not unlike what he was doing currently while brushing his teeth. It forced him to notice things about himself and think about whatever was bothersome at the moment. He noticed that the bruises had pretty much finally vanished, which was good, but now he had to think about his next obstacle; telling Kyoya about the mission.

Kaoru still believed his own words, he still believed that Kyoya wouldn't react anywhere near as bad as Hikaru had predicted (hoped). But exactly _how_ Kyoya would react couldn't be pinpointed. He would be worried, sure, but _how much?_ Would Kyoya try to talk him out of it? That was a big possibility. Kaoru wouldn't mind that too much as long as it wasn't too excessive.

Hikaru finished up and left the room to change clothes; leaving Kaoru alone to look into his own worried amber eyes.

" _Can I ever have a break?"_

* * *

Kyoya couldn't help but look smug every time he got a glimpse of his little boyfriend in the dining hall. Maybe Kaoru had been able to fool everyone else that he was completely normal but Kyoya could see that little wince in Kaoru's expression every time he sat down or moved too much. Watching the aftermath of what he had done to his partners had always been a (not so) guilty pleasure of his. Unfortunately, it was an image he liked a little too well so, for the sake of his reputation and credibility as a professional doctor, he couldn't look at Kaoru for too long. He was very tempted to use the signal to ask if they could continue later but he knew that he had work to do and Kaoru probably wanted to recover more before they had more fun. Too bad but Kyoya completely understood.

"What do you intend to do with the girl at home?" Jackson asked and Kyoya turned back to his colleagues' conversation. It took him a second to remember what they were talking about. "Because you know exactly what we think about this".

Rosengard rolled his eyes.

"Do I have to remind you that this isn't your guys' relationship?" he asked.

"Are we wrong?" Shinohara groaned in annoyance. "Have we wasted our precious time on giving you our best arguments for nothing?" Rosengard opened and closed his mouth before looking down at the table. "Such a waste", Shinohara mumbled and went back to his oatmeal.

Rosengard had been in an on and off relationship with a woman that wasn't good for him (while he was simultaneously not good for her either). That was the reason for his sour mood lately. Most of them were tired of trying to make him break it off just for him to later on go into "Well all relationships have ups and downs", "you can't just give up without trying to work things out", "You have a very naive look on relationships… despite some of you being married for years" and so on. However, they had started to try to convince him to break up again since he accidentally dropped the bombshell that he had planned on buying a ring. It wasn't uncommon to believe that marriage would save a dysfunctional relationship, but everyone still thought that he was being an idiot. Normally, Kyoya would just have let him make his own damn mistakes but this was too close to home for him so for once he actually had to hold himself back from intervening (as opposed to forcing himself to talk like what was usually the case).

"Why are you all so convinced that this is a bad idea?" Rosengard mumbled and finally looked up again.

"Why do you think putting a ring on her will stop you two from trying to make each other jealous and ignoring each other for months instead of actually communicating?" Jackson asked and looked at Shinohara for help but Shinohara had clearly given up on his younger colleague and kept all of his focus on the oatmeal and the newspaper in front of him.

It was extremely important for the doctors to keep an eye on the newspapers and dispose of them correctly immediately after reading them so the Boys couldn't get their hands on them. It was not an official rule per se, but the doctors knew that trouble would still come their way if they didn't do what was asked of them. It disturbed Kyoya how isolated the young ones were… young ones, why were the Boys always young.

"It will make the relationship more serious for us and I'll show her that I really want us to be together and-".

"I'm sorry but you sound as out of your mind as I did a few years ago". Kyoya finally couldn't hold himself back anymore. He really didn't want this to drag out more and he knew that Rosengard would just wine more in the future when the relationship still sucked, or when they got a child in a loveless marriage or got a divorce where he lost everything. Rosengard looked at him with wide eyes and furrowed brows; he must have previously been under the impression that Kyoya's silence had meant that he was on his side. Shinohara finally looked up again at Kyoya.

"You have done the same?" Shinohara turned to Rosengard. "You realize that this is the man who now claims to never want to be in a relationship".

"Never right now", Kyoya corrected before his eyes went back to Rosengard, and Shinohara shrugged. He obviously went back on his words but he didn't want people to think that he was so dramatic to resign from romance forever. "I am extremely thankful every day that I didn't end up marrying him. If you marry that girl then you are a naive fool and deserve everything bad that comes with it. A ring doesn't fix things, it only makes the breakup harder so you'll force each other to be together more. But it doesn't matter what I say. Shinohara is right, it's a waste". Kyoya looked away from them and continued to discreetly glance at his boyfriend's attempts at trying to hide his soreness. Jackson mumbled how Kyoya was too hard on the man before they fell into an uncomfortable silence while eating. He didn't care that he was harsh. He knew that he was right because he had almost entered a dysfunctional marriage himself. Now Rosengard could do the same and Kyoya wouldn't be seen as an enabler.

Kyoya grinned when Kaoru stood up much slower than his brother from the table. They locked eyes and, to Kyoya's surprise, Kaoru discreetly gave him the signal that asked if he was free later. Oh boy did he want to signal back yes, but he had paperwork and he also just remembered that he wanted to ask Shinohara, who was a surprisingly artistic man, about good art supply stores where he could buy some paper and pens for Kaoru. He mustered up the last of his will power to signal back a no but made sure to really show that he would much rather be with him. Kaoru chuckled and left with Hikaru who raised an eyebrow at his brother.

Rosengard abruptly stood up and left as well with quick steps but Kyoya still didn't pay him any attention. He felt too content with himself and his life. Because life did feel pretty good right now. He had his privacy, a well paying job and a boyfriend that seemed to be stable enough. He just wanted to enjoy the moment until things became bad again, as they would.


End file.
